- I just got dumped recently.
I did get dumped
and what's crazy is my friend was like, that's so weird.
You don't look sad on your Instagram,
and I was like, yeah that's not what social media is for.
Nobody posts their lowest moments on the gram, right?
That's not what that's for.
I'm not gonna post a picture of me
deep throating mozzarella sticks
at an all you can eat buffet,
which is what I was doing yesterday.
That's reckless.
Gonna post a picture of me looking fly at the club
from seven years ago, living my best life, right?
(people cheering) (upbeat music)
- I actually, I just got out of a very long relationship.
It was over a year ago, but I haven't matured, and
we were in a long distance relationship,
emotional distance.
We actually lived together, but
(audience laughing)
when you go through a breakup, like,
you have all these intrusive thoughts
that you can't control.
Your brain is just doing its own thing.
Has anyone here ever experienced intimacy?
So I would just wake up every day
and have all these unwanted thoughts
just like I have to get a wrist tattoo
(audience laughing)
that says "Breathe".
(audience laughing)
I don't think so.
- I just got out of a three year long distance relationship.
Thanks for being here for me.
(audience laughing)
This is a light chuckle.
He lived in Ohio and I lived in California
and we would see each other when we dated
about once a month, you know?
So we'd have sex like once a month a ton of times, you know,
it was like a reverse period, and
(audience laughing)
I feel like nobody can really get upset by the word period.
I think every single person in this room
has prayed for a period at some point in their lives.
(audience laughing)
But I did love him so much that I went out
and I got his name tattooed on my back.
Whoopsy Daisy, and (audience laughing)
my best friend was like, "Wow, Beth
worst mistake of your life.
What if you sleep with somebody else?"
Like point taken you know,
if I am sleeping with somebody else from behind
and they see this tattoo
I can just look back at 'em and be like, "Hey
this is the kind of commitment you can expect from me."
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
Thank you.
That'll do it, you know?
It's not like bubble letters and hearts
and things like that, it's actually just his signature,
so it's really more of like a lease,
that's how that worked out. (audience laughing)
When we broke up, I was single for about a day, you know?
And that is when I realized
I'm a little bit of a Tarzan dater.
Like before I let go of this dick,
I'm just like swingin' to the next dick.
(audience laughing)
So there's really only a brief period of time
where you can catch me (audience laughing)
without a dick in my hand.
- I'm nervous about dating too
'cause I'm going through a breakup.
That's a tough one.
I know, so sorry.
I was, I deserved it though, you know?
I was a bad boyfriend.
Here's how you know you were a bad boyfriend.
While you're getting broken up with,
yeah, in the moment you're sad,
but in the back of your head, you're thinking,
"Hey, good for her."
(audience laughing)
She's gonna turn her life around now.
This is what she needed.
That joke's just been true for four girlfriends in a row,
so you never have to write a new joke
if you don't grow as a person, guys.
(audience laughing)
- My ex-girlfriend and I, we're no longer together.
We didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things.
Like I wasn't sure if I wanted to get a dog
and then she's like positive she wanted to break up.
It was like. (audience laughing)
It was long distance,
and when people would find out it was long distance,
they'd always say, "Oh those never go
the way you want them to."
And I would get really paranoid and think,
"Oh my God, she might move here."
(audience laughing)
She'd been divorced twice, which to me, I admit yes,
at first that seemed like a lot, right?
Then I got to know her, it was about right.
(audience laughing)
- I just broke up with somebody.
Well, it wasn't really a breakup.
It was a booty call I might have took too serious.
(audience laughing)
That shit happens sometimes.
You can't fuck me more than one time and not be my man.
(audience laughing)
We on a schedule. (audience laughing)
I don't care if you don't love me.
I love you. (audience laughing)
It's gon' work out.
So now the booty call then turn into a police call
(audience laughing)
'cause I can't stop texting them.
I can't stop texting.
Texting has ruined my life.
I can't stop texting.
It's hard, it's hard not to text "You is a bitch!"
(audience laughing)
Send.
"Okay, I'm sorry for calling you a bitch.
Did you get my last text?
Are you getting any of these texts?
Is you getting any of these texts bitch?"
I'm 10 texts in now.
How I'm gonna stop textin'?
How I'm gonna stop texting?
Don't say don't text
'cause you can't tell somebody who keep texting
to don't text!
Oh, delete the number. What am I going to do?
Delete my brain?
(audience laughing)
- I had another breakup and she broke up with me
and then asked me to take her back,
and then curve ball, broke up with me again.
(audience laughing)
That kind of feels like you're in a plane going down
and then somehow you land safely
and then you die in the cab ride home.
(audience laughing)
And then she texts every day "I miss you"
and I'm like "Well that is part of the breakup.
We're not gonna hang out as often."
I didn't know I had to explain that part.
I thought that was self explanatory but
thank God jobs don't work that away.
Can you imagine getting fired then two weeks later
your boss is like, I'm sad.
(audience laughing)
I'm glad you're sad.
I hope your whole company collapses.
(audience laughing)
- That's vodka by the way.
(audience laughing) Can you imagine if this were vodka
and I just chugged that much of it?
This set would end in a completely different manner then.
(audience laughing) I would suddenly be like, "Okay.
Okay, you want a funny joke?
Okay, I got a funny joke for you.
Love isn't real. (audience laughing)
You know what she said to me?
You know what she said?
She said, "I can't be with anyone right now."
Oh, I didn't know I was just anyone.
I thought we were soulmates.
(audience laughing)
It's my fault. It's my fault.
I opened myself up to her.
I said, "That's me. That's how I work.
That's my heart. You wanna touch it?
Wanna touch my heart?
She goes, "Uh huh."
Took it, took it away from me,
kept it, used it as a paperweight, used it as a door stop,
used it to knead pizza dough.
(audience laughing)
Met another guy, right, and he was like,
"You wanna have sex?"
And she was like, "Of course I do, I'm a whore."
(audience laughing)
And he goes, "Well, I don't have a condom."
And she goes, "Well here just use Sean's heart as a condom.
It works great around the house."
And he did, that's what he did.
He put my heart on his (beep)
like a jacket and he had sex with her.
(audience laughing)
And he (beep) and of course he did.
He (beep) my heart.
Did my heart bust on him like a dirty old condom?
No, it did not, 'cause it's a strong heart.
It's reliable.
(audience laughing)
It got pregnant.
It got pregnant and wanted to keep the baby
'cause it's a loving heart full of nurturingness.
But she was like, "No,"
and she punched my heart in its stomach
'til it had a miscarriage.
So now my heart's psychologically damaged,
wandering around truck stops given aorta job for $5 a pop.
(audience laughing)
(Sean fake crying)
Fortunately this is just water.
(audience laughing)
Unfortunately, all of that was true.
(audience laughing) (upbeat music)