♪ ♪
We're here at a beautiful golf course
where I am golfing with an incredible Chinese diplomat.
And we're gonna make such a big deal today.
Hi, how are you? Donald Trump.
Nice to meet you. There you go.
Hi, how are you?
-We shake close -Okay.
-in the United States. -Yeah, let me pull you back, there.
-Hello, I'm the vice president, Mike Pence. -Hello.
-I can't shake your hand. I'm not... -No.
Mike can't touch women. That's one of his weird
-Jesus rules. -Yeah.
-Okay. -What's this guy's name, anyway, huh?
Lee Tianming.
I'll call you Timmy. Perfect, Timmy.
So, are you Timmy's caddy?
I'm his translator.
Oh. Well, great. All right, Mike,
you're taking both the bags. Timmy, you're with me.
Get in there. Get in... Sit down.
♪ ♪
You speak any English?
We're gonna nuke you guys.
Okay, good.
Good, sir.
Yeah, nice, nice job.
-Nice job. -He says good job.
If he plays golf like that,
imagine how he's gonna negotiate.
♪ ♪
Look at that, right on the green.
That's a shot. So, anyway,
so incredible. One night a year,
they get to kill anybody they want.
-(speaking Chinese) -I don't know.
There's other movies I like. I love Jackie Chan.
I don't know if you've been watching
Great story about two elderly women
arguing with each other,
and they get to put to death at the end,
which is my favorite part.
-(speaking Chinese) -He wants... he wants to discuss,
uh, Ch-Chinese-American trade, and not movies.
We're gonna get to that, we're gonna get to that,
but
♪ ♪
I cry at night all the time.
And I c... It's uncontrollable.
Are you sure you're negotiating properly?
We'll get to the negotiation.
-Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! -There we go, that's right.
-There we go. This guy right here. -What's up? There you go.
-This guy right here. -How you doing
-Hey, the best president ever. -This guy...
Now, what are we gonna do? Who are we gonna bomb first?
-I think we should bomb... -Everybody. -(man shouting)
-...the Middle East. -The whole thing?
-The whole (bleep) thing. -Whole thing?
And use their asses as lighting for-for the... for the airplane.
We could use their lit-up asses,
and they'd guide all the planes in.
Don't you think that? Then we drop
the mother of all bombs on North Korea.
-MAN: Oh, yeah. -TRUMP: It's so fantastic.
-Thank you, thank you. -We're gonna destroy everybody.
We're gonna kill everybody.
Don't worry, we're gonna kill everyone.
We'll kill everyone's families.
♪ ♪
Wow, I got it on.
Yeah, stiffen, stiffen, stiffen. Tell him to stiffen.
-Don't-don't shake him like that. -Stiffen.
Do you want some juice?
No, sir...
That's never how you do it.
That's never the right way to do it.
You always... No, you always have to put your mouth on it,
and then you suck in.
You shoot yours. You shoot yours.
You smell nice.
Oh, my God. That was awful.
Mike, get the ball.
(diplomat speaks Chinese)
He said he would love to talk about deals with you.
Yeah, we're gonna... We're totally gonna talk about deals.
It's gonna be great.
Look at the geese.
TRUMP:
the Chinese diplomat and I
have spent a rigorous 18 holes
negotiating Chinese-American trade relations,
and we've made an incredible bet.
If I sink this putt, then I get everything I want.
And if we don't,
the Chinese go home,
and I'm left empty-handed.
But I think I've got this one in the bag.
Ready?
Get ready to pay up.
♪ ♪
Missed it.
Nice doing business with you.
Missed it.
Don't do it, Mike.
Don't talk to me.
Excuse me!
Excuse me.
We finished the deal.
Totally and completely in the favor of the United States.
Please, you can't leave.
Tell him he can't leave. I need a deal.
The Chinese diplomat melted like butter in the sun.
I mean, this guy was on his knees.
Please, God! Please, please!
I'll do whatever you want.
Every Chinese dissident you lock up, I don't care.
Have another Tiananmen Square!
You could have another Tiananmen Square!
I drove him so hard, by the end,
we got everything we wanted and more.
I got money. I got money on me.
I think I have money on... I don't have any money on me.
I do, I think. I'll (bleep) your (bleep).
I'll (bleep) your (bleep). (bleep)
I've got a tongue like a little turtle that's stuck in a pond,
and it won't come all the way out.
And women say they love that.
(crying): I just wanted to make a deal.
You did great. America's great again.
America is totally great again.