LOOK AT YOU THERE WATCHING THE TV AND ME DOING A SHOW!
THIS IS WORKING OUT!
WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
TO ALL MY JEWISH VIEWERS OUT THERE, HAPPY FIRST NIGHT OF
CHANUKAH!
AND TO MY NON-JEWISH VIEWERS, CH-APPY THCHURSDAY.
HANUKKAH IS A BEAUTIFUL HOLIDAY WHERE FAMILIES AROUND THE WORLD
LIGHT THE MENORAH, TELL THE STORY OF THE MACCABEES, AND
INSTILL CHILDREN WITH A LIFELONG GAMBLING ADDICTION.
"COME ON, GIMEL!
SHIN?
I CAN'T PUT THREE PIECES OF GELT IN.
RABBI HERSCHEL'S GOING TO BUST MY KNEECAPS!"
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT 5781 HAS BEEN ONE LOOONG LUNAR YEAR.
IS IT DECEMBER 10?
FEELS LIKE THE 289TH OF ADAR.
BUT I'M GLAD HANUKKAH'S HERE.
WE NEED TO SHINE A LITTLE LIGHT INTO THIS WORLD.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE UNITED STATES SURPASSED 3,000 COVID
DEATHS IN A DAY FOR THE FIRST TIME.
LUCKILY, THE VACCINE IS ALREADY BEING ADMINISTERED, AND SHOULD
BE APPROVED ANY MINUTE IN AMERICA.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT I IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CATCH A
THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."
>> HEY!
I'M AN ANTI-VAXXER!
THEY'RE TRYING TO MICROCHIP US, PEOPLE!
AHHHH!
(AIR HORN) >> Stephen: ENDLESS BUMMER.
TODAY, THE F.D.A. ADVISORY PANEL CONSIDERED WHETHER TO GRANT THE
PFIZER VACCINE "EMERGENCY USE AUTHORIZATION."
THE FIRST DOSES WILL BE ROLLING OUT TO HEALTH WORKERS AND
LONG-TERM CARE FACILITY RESIDENTS WITHIN DAYS.
THAT'S WHY I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE WE ARE NOW CALLING THIS SHOW "A
LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY."
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY PUDDING!
DISTRIBUTION IS GOING TO BE A CHALLENGE, IN PART, BECAUSE
PFIZER'S VACCINE MUST BE STORED AT MINUS 94 DEGREES.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A PHOTO OF THE FIRST PERSON TO GET
THIS VACCINE.
LOOKING GOOD.
NOW, BECAUSE THE VACCINE HAS TO BE SHIPPED THAT COLD, DRY ICE
SALES ARE BOOMING.
BUT THAT MUCH DRY ICE IS GOING TO REQUIRE SPECIAL PRECAUTIONS,
WHICH IS WHY THE C.D.C.
RECOMMENDS THAT THE SHOT SHOULD BE ADMINISTERED ONLY BY '80S
HAIR BANDS.
OF COURSE, WITH ALL THE VACCINE CONSPIRACIES OUT THERE, MANY
AMERICANS ARE SAYING: ♪ WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ♪
♪ NO, WE AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT! ♪ >> STEPHEN: ONE UNFORESEEN
PROBLEM?
THE CHEESE INDUSTRY IS THREATENED BY THE COVID DRY ICE
DEMAND, BECAUSE DRY ICE IS ESSENTIAL IN MAKING DAIRY
CULTURES, USED TO MAKE CHEESE, AND A SHORTAGE WOULD BE
DEVASTATING.
NO!
SNOW, SCIENCE!
YOU CAN'T MAKE AMERICANS CHOOSE BETWEEN THE THING WE NEED TO
LIVE AND A VACCINE.
TELL YOU WHAT, HERE'S A COMPROMISE: JUST INJECT US WITH
THE CHEESE.
TIME FOR MY BOOSTER SHOT.
OH!
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
THIS WAS MY IDEA, YOU WILL REMEMBER.
IN REWRITE I SAID GIVE IT IN MY MOUTH.
SHUT UP NEXT TIME, ME.
MEANWHILE, THE ADMINISTRATION, TO TAKE THEIR MINDS OFF OF THE
GLOBAL CRISIS THEY'VE TRIED TO IGNORE, LAST NIGHT THREW TWO
WHITE HOUSE HANUKKAH PARTIES.
REPORTEDLY, THE PRESIDENT SKIPPED THE FIRST PARTY BUT
STOPPED BY THE SECOND.
I'M GUESSING BETWEEN THE TWO PARTIES, SOMEONE MUST HAVE TOLD
HIM WHAT LATKES ARE.
(AS AIDE) "SIR, THEY'RE POTATOES, BUT
THEY'RE DEEP-FRIED AND--" THE PRESIDENT GREETED HIS GUESTS
AND SPOKE ABOUT THE TRUE MEANING OF THIS RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY:
>> WE GOT 75-- ALMOST 75 MILLION VOTES.
THINK OF THIS.
THE FIRST TIME, WE GOT 63 MILLION.
SECOND TIME, WE GOT 75 MILLION.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, THAT MIGHT SEEM LIKE A PATHETIC OLD MAN CLINGING
TO PAST GLORIES, BUT HIS CLAIMS OF ELECTION FRAUD ACTUALLY HAVE
A LOT IN COMMON WITH HANUKKAH.
THEY BOTH INVOLVE A MYSTERIOUS, ENDLESS SUPPLY OF OIL.
OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT'S TIME IN OFFICE IS DWINDLING.
YESTERDAY, WE REACHED AN IMPORTANT MILESTONE:
ALL 50 STATES AND THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA HAVE NOW CERTIFIED
THEIR PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION RESULTS.
AND THE "LATE SHOW" IS READY TO PROJECT THAT JOE BIDEN HAS WON
THE 2020 ELECTION.
FIVE WEEKS AGO.
THAT IS THE TENTH TIME WE'VE PROJECTED THAT, SO NOT ONLY WILL
JOE BIDEN BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, HE ALSO
WON A FREE SUB.
BUT, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, THE CURRENT PRESIDENT STILL REFUSES
TO ADMIT HE LOST.
I'LL SHARE HIS LAST GASPS IN TONIGHT'S THRILLING:
I GET KNOCKED DOWN.
I GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN.
I KEEP GETTING KNOCKED DOWN.
I GET KNOCKED DOWN.
GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN.
MY PANTS ARE GETTING BROWN!
I GET KNOCKED DOWN.
GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN.
I KEEP GETTING KNOCKED DOWN.
I GET KNOCKED DOWN.
AND KNOCKED TOWN AND KNOCKED DOWN!
>> THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE!
>> Stephen: THAT WAS LONGER THAN I EXPECTED IT TO BE.
THIS IS SALTIER THAN I EXPECTED, THAT WAS LONGER THAN I EXPECTED.
THE PRESIDENT HAS NOW PLACED ALL OF HIS HOPES TO OVERTURN
DEMOCRACY ON THE SUPREME COURT.
SPECIFICALLY, HE'S JOINING A LAWSUIT FILED BY TEXAS ATTORNEY
GENERAL AND MAN HOLDING IN A BURP AND A FART AT THE SAME
TIME, KEN PAXTON.
IN HIS LAWSUIT, PAXTON CLAIMS THAT TEXAS' RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED
WHEN MICHIGAN, GEORGIA, PENNSYLVANIA AND WISCONSIN
CHANGED THEIR ELECTION LAWS TO ALLOW MORE MAIL-IN VOTING.
BUT TEXAS DOESN'T GET TO DECIDE THE ELECTION RULES IN OTHER
STATES.
HE'S NOT JUST CHANGING THE RULES OF THE GAME, HE'S CHANGING THE
GAME.
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT THRILLING MOMENT IN "THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT:"
>> YAHTZEE!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: STILL PRETTY GOOD.
AND IT'S NOT JUST TEXAS.
YESTERDAY, PAXTON WAS JOINED BY REPUBLICAN ATTORNEYS GENERAL IN
17 STATES.
HMM.
I FORGET...
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN A BUNCH OF STATES BAND TOGETHER TO SAY
THE OTHER STATES ELECTED THE WRONG PRESIDENT?
SOME SORT OF GROUPING OR "CONFEDERATION" OF STATES.
I SEE WHY THEY KEPT ALL THOSE FLAGS.
BUT THE SWING STATES GETTING SUED ARE NOT WORRIED.
EVEN TEXAS SENATOR AND GALLON OF FROZEN MILK, JOHN CORNYN, TOLD
CNN'S MANU RAJU, "I READ JUST THE SUMMARY OF IT, AND I FRANKLY
STRUGGLE TO UNDERSTAND THE LEGAL THEORY OF IT."
LET ME EXPLAIN: THE TEXAS ATTORNEY GENERAL IS JUST
CARRYING WATER FOR THE PRESIDENT, CITING THE LANDMARK
CASE OF BROWN V. NOSE.
CORNYN ADDED, "WHY WOULD A STATE, EVEN SUCH A GREAT STATE
AS TEXAS, HAVE A SAY SO ON HOW OTHER STATES ADMINISTER THEIR
ELECTIONS?" YEAH!
YOU "DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS," BUT TEXAS CAN MESS WITH OTHER
STATES?
I SAY IT'S TIME FOR WISCONSIN TO CHANGE ITS MOTTO TO "WELCOME TO
WISCONSIN-- WHAT ALAMO?" BIG FACEBOOK NEWS!
NO, YOUR OLD FRIENDS FROM CAMP HAVEN'T STOPPED BEING MAD THAT
YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP TO THE ZOOM REUNION.
YESTERDAY, THE U.S. GOVERNMENT AND 48 ATTORNEYS GENERAL FILED
ANTITRUST LAWSUITS AGAINST FACEBOOK, CALLING IT AN ILLEGAL
MONOPOLY.
YES, IT'S JUST LIKE MONOPOLY.
EXCEPT EVERY TIME YOU PASS GO, INSTEAD OF GETTING $200,
ZUCKERBERG SELLS YOUR DATA TO A MOLDOVAN SPAM FARM.
THE SUITS SPECIFICALLY POINT TO FACEBOOK'S PURCHASE OF INSTAGRAM
AND WHATSAPP, WHICH GAVE CONSUMERS FEWER SOCIAL
NETWORKING OPTIONS.
SO THE F.T.C. IS SAYING THAT FACEBOOK MUST BE BROKEN UP.
TO BE CLEAR, FACEBOOK HAS NOT BEEN BROKEN UP YET, BUT IT HAS
CHANGED ITS STATUS TO "IT'S COMPLICATED."
OF COURSE, IF FACEBOOK DOES BREAK UP, IT FACES THE DAUNTING
TASK OF GOING THROUGH AND MANUALLY UN-TAGGING ALL THE
PHOTOS OF IT TOGETHER.
NOW, MY WRITERS ASSURE ME THOSE JKES THAT I JUST TOLD MAKE
SENSE.
I WOULDN'T KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN ON THE Facebook MYSELF.
I DO ALL MY SOCIAL NETWORKING ON STEVE-SPACE.
IT'S A GREAT PLACE TO HANG OUT, SHARE PHOTOS, AND CATCH UP WITH
OTHER STEVES.
SEND ME A DIRECT-STEVE, AND I'LL ALLOW YOU TO ACCESS MY
STEVE-STREAM.
SO FACEBOOK COULD BE IN REAL TROUBLE.
WHICH SEEMS CRAZY, BECAUSE THEY LOOK SO HAPPY IN ALL THE PICS
THEY POST.
THEIR LIFE IS DEFINITELY WAY BETTER THAN MINE.
HEY, SPEAKING OF THINGS BILLIONAIRES OWN BREAKING UP,
YESTERDAY WE GOT SOME EXCITING FOOTAGE FROM SPACEX, THE COMPANY
FOUNDED BY TECH ENTREPRENEUR AND MAN WHO COMES PRE-MADAME
TUSSAUD-ED, ELON MUSK.
SPACEX HAS BEEN WORKING ON A ROCKET TO MARS, AND WEDNESDAY
THE COMPANY TESTED THEIR NEWEST STARSHIP MODEL "SN-8."
CHECK IT OUT!
THAT'S STRAIGHT OUT OF THE SCI-FI OF MY CHILDHOOD.
JUST LOOKING AT THAT MAKES ME WANT TO EAT SPACE FOOD STICKS
AND CAMPAIGN FOR GEORGE MCGOVERN!
WE EVEN HAVE EARLY FOOTAGE OF THE FEARLESS ASTRONAUTS WHO
CONDUCTED TESTING ON THE FIRST PROTOTYPE.
♪ ♪
>> STEPHEN: SO HOW'D THEY DO THIS TIME?
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE UNMANNED TEST LAUNCH.
THERE IT IS, BLASTING OFF INTO THE FUTURE!
LOOKING GOOD, ASCENDING CLEANLY, SLIPPING THE SURLY BONDS OF
EARTH TO TOUCH THE FACE OF-- OKAY, NOW IT'S TAKING A NAP!
DON'T-- NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, JUST
COMING DOWN.
THAT'S ACTUALLY -- OKAY, REIGNITION!
THE BIG MOMENT: THEY'RE BACKING HER IN SLOWLY.
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP...
(EXPLOSION) OH!
I HOPE THEY SPRANG FOR THE COLLISION DAMAGE WAIVER.
I'M SURE IT'LL BUFF RIGHT OUT.
BUT MUSK INSISTS THAT THE EXPLOSION WASN'T A SURPRISE
BECAUSE THAT ROCKET ONLY "HAD A ONE-IN-THREE CHANCE OF LANDING
SAFELY," AND "WE GOT ALL THE DATA WE NEEDED!"
AND THIS "BELLY FLOP" TECHNIQUE IS INTENDED TO BE THE STARSHIP'S
METHOD TO SAFELY PASS THROUGH THE EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE.
TOTALLY HEAR YOU, ELON.
JUST LIKE ALL MY BELLY FLOPS WERE ALWAYS ON PURPOSE, AND NICK
MCGOOKIN WAS LAUGHING ONLY BECAUSE HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE
DATA MY BRIGHT PINK STOMACH WAS COLLECTING.
ANYWAY, I'M SURE THEY'LL FIGURE THIS OUT.
I MEAN IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE-- WHAT?
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A HUGE FAN OF COLORS.
A BIT OF A SUBJECT CHANGE.
I'LL WARN YOU, WE'RE ON TO A NEW SUBJECT RIGHT NOW.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A HUGE FAN OF COLORS --
BLUE, GREEN, THE OTHERS.
THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD TO THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE COLOR
OF THE YEAR FROM THE PANTONE COLOR INSTITUTE.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THEIR DISTINGUISHED FACULTY.
BUT 2021 IS GOING TO BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT, BECAUSE FOR THE
UPCOMING YEAR, PANTONE REVEALED NOT ONE, BUT TWO HUES:
ULTIMATE GRAY AND ILLUMINATING.
COOL.
LET ME "ILLUMINATE" YOU ON SOMETHING, PANTONE: THAT'S GRAY
AND YELLOW.
CAN I SEE THOSE COLORS AGAIN?
IT LOOKS LIKE THE TWO COLORS OF SNOW YOU SHOULDN'T EAT.
ALSO, AND I DON'T WANT TO GET TECH HERE, GRAY ISN'T EVEN A
COLOR!
IT'S AN ACHROMATIC SHADE.
THAT LITERALLY MEANS "WITHOUT COLOR."
YOU CAN'T HAVE A COLOR OF THE YEAR THAT ISN'T A COLOR.
THIS IS 2014 ALL OVER AGAIN, WHEN "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE ANNOUNCED
THEIR NEW "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE:" A SUNBEAM FOUR-SLOT TOASTER.
WITH THESE COLORS, PANTONE SAYS THEY'RE TRYING TO CAPTURE OUR
FEELINGS GOING INTO THE NEW YEAR, BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU,
THEY WERE MUCH MORE ACCURATE LAST YEAR, WHEN THEY SELECTED
2020'S COLOR: CLASSIC BLUE, WHICH THEY DESCRIBED AS A COLOR
THAT ANTICIPATES WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.
AND THEY WERE RIGHT.
BECAUSE 2020 CERTAINLY BLEW.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JAMES CORDEN IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE JOINED BY MY LOVELY WIFE EVIE TO
SHOW YOU SOME NOT-SO-LOVELY FIRST DRAFTS OF HOLIDAY CARDS.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪