WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, IT IS AN HISTORIC EVENING BECAUSE, AS WE SPEAK,
PRESIDENT TRUMP IS MEETING WITH NORTH KOREAN DICTATOR KIM JONG
UN, A SCENARIO THAT, JUST A FEW YEARS AGO, WOULD HAVE BEEN
UNTHINKABLE BECAUSE IT INCLUDES THE PHRASE "PRESIDENT TRUMP."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE SUMMIT ACTUALLY STARTED
AT 9:00 A.M. TUESDAY MORNING, SINGAPORE TIME, WHICH IS
9:00 P.M. NEW YORK TIME.
SO THEY'RE ACTUALLY MEETING IN THE FUTURE, WHICH FINALLY
EXPLAINS BOTH THEIR HAIRCUTS.
( LAUGHTER ) SO -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT
TECHNOLOGY IS INVOLVED THERE, BUT IT'S NOT HUMAN.
SO TENSIONS ARE HIGH.
THE UNITED STATES IS ON THE PRECIPICE OF UNTHINKABLE
INTERNATIONAL CONFLICT, AND THAT'S WITH CANADA.
( LAUGHTER ) OUR RELATIONS HAVE NOT BEEN THIS
BAD WITH CANADA SINCE THEY STOLE THE WORD "BACON."
CANADIAN BACON IS JUST ROUND HAM, YOU MONSTERS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, YOU --
IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE NERDS WHO VALUES THE WESTERN ALLIANCE THAT
HAS SAFEGUARDED DEMOCRACY FOR 70 YEARS, IT WAS A TOUGH WEEKEND
FOR YOU.
BECAUSE CANADA HOSTED THE G-7, AND IT DID NOT GO "THE GOOD."
KEEP IN MIND, THE G-7 ARE OUR TRADING PARTNERS, AND RIGHT
BEFORE HE ATTENDED, DONALD TRUMP DECLARED PROTECTIONIST TRADE
TARIFFS AGAINST ALL OF THEM.
IT'S LIKE SHOWING UP TO AN A.A.
MEETING WITH CAPTAIN MORGAN.
THE SPIRIT OF THE ENTIRE SUMMIT , THE TENSION OF THE ENTIRE
WEEKEND CAN BE SUMMED UP BY THIS
PICTURE.
I BELIEVE IT'S ENTITLED: "STILL LIFE WITH DOUCHEBAG."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S LIKE A TODDLER WHO PUT A
LEGO IN HIS MOUTH AND THEY'RE, LIKE, SPIT IT UP!
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THIS THINGS ALWAYS END WITH
A JOINT COMMUNIQUE, AN AGREEMENT BETWEEN THE NATIONS.
TRUMP AGREED TO SIGN IT, BUT AFTER HE LEFT, JUSTIN TRUDEAU
SAID THIS ABOUT IMPOSING TARIFFS ON THE U.S.:
>> I HAVE MADE IT VERY CLEAR TO THE PRESIDENT THAT IT IS NOT
SOMETHING WE RELISH DOING, BUT IT IS SOMETHING WE ABSOLUTELY
WILL DO.
BECAUSE, CANADIANS, WE'RE POLITE, WE'RE REASONABLE, BUT WE
ALSO WILL NOT BE PUSHED AROUND."
>> STEPHEN: I BELIEVE HIM.
THESE ARE PEOPLE WHOSE IDEA OF FUN IS STRAPPING ON FOOT BLADES
AND PUNCHING EACH OTHER IN THE FACE ON A FROZEN LAKE.
( LAUGHTER ) STILL, PRETTY MILD.
BUT TRUMP WASN'T AMUSED.
HE UNSIGNED THE COMMUNIQUE, BASICALLY BREAKING UP WITH NATO
VIA TWEET.
ANGELA MERKEL CALLED HIS ACTION "SOBERING AND SOMEWHAT
DEPRESSING."
WELL, I'LL JOIN YOU WITH DEPRESSING, BUT WHILE TRUMP IS
PRESIDENT, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN WITH SOBER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH, IT'S REAL.
DON'T GO FAR WITH THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN TRUMP TWEETED,
"P.M. JUSTIN TRUDEAU OF CANADA ACTED SO MEEK AND MILD DURING
OUR AT-G-7 MEETINGS ONLY TO GIVE A NEWS CONFERENCE AFTER I LEFT
SAYING THAT, 'US TARIFFS WERE KIND OF INSULTING' AND HE 'WILL
NOT BE PUSHED AROUND.' VERY DISHONEST AND WEAK."
WOW.
HE'S MAD.
IT'S LIKE TRUDEAU STOLE HIS GIRLFRIEND.
OH, WAIT, HE KINDA DID.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, DEMOLISHING OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR CLOSEST
ALLY MIGHT SEEM LIKE A BAD IDEA, BUT TRUMP'S TOP ADVISERS THINK
OTHERWISE.
LIKE TRUMP TRADE ADVISER AND DEHYDRATED TOMMY LEE JONES,
PETER NAVARRO: >> THERE'S A SPECIAL PLACE IN
HELL FOR ANY FOREIGN LEADER THAT ENGAGES IN BAD-FAITH DIPLOMACY
WITH PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP.
>> STEPHEN: YES, CANADIAN HELL.
WHERE BUD LIGHT IS ON TAP, THEY NEVER PLAY GORDON LIGHTFOOT, AND
YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN RYAN REYNOLDS AND RYAN GOSLING.
TORTURE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHO WOULD I CHOOSE?
HUH?
OH!
THEY KNOW WHICH ONE I'D CHOOSE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, CANADA'S OUR ENEMY NOW.
IN FACT, ACCORDING TO "THE WASHINGTON POST," NO U.S.
OFFICIALS HAVE EVER SPOKEN THIS WAY ABOUT ANY U.S. ALLY, EVER.
THESE ARE THE KIND OF WORDS THAT NORMALLY PRECEDE MILITARY
ACTION.
WE'RE GOING TO WAR WITH CANADA?
OH, MY GOD, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PUT ALEX TREBEK IN A
DETENTION CENTER.
BET YOU DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER FOR THAT ONE, DO YOU, YOU SMUG
BASTARD!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND WHAT MAKES THIS EVEN CRAZIER IS THAT WHILE HE'S SLAPPING
AROUND OUR ALLIES, HE'S STROKING OUR ENEMIES:
>> THIS USED TO BE THE G-8, NOT THE G-7, AND SOMETHING HAPPENED
AWHILE AGO, WHERE RUSSIA IS NO LONGER IN.
I THINK IT WOULD BE AN ASSET TO HAVE RUSSIA BACK IN.
>> STEPHEN: SOMETHING HAPPENED?
YOU MEAN THE INVASION OF CRIMEA, EASTERN UKRAINE, AND THE
SHOOTING DOWN OF A PASSENGER JET?
DID YOU JUST YADA YADA OVER WAR CRIMES?
CAN YOU DO THAT WITH ANY ATROCITY?
"WHO KNOWS HOW WORLD WAR I HAPPENED?
A WEB OF ENTANGLING EUROPEAN ALLIANCES ENGINEERED BY OTTO VON
BISMARCK YADA, YADA, YADA-- 'WAR HORSE' WINS THE TONY."
"IT'S A HAPPY ENDING."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT WASN'T THE ONLY TIME HE
SHILLED FOR HIS KREMLIN CREW: >> THEY THREW RUSSIA OUT, THEY
SHOULD LET RUSSIA COME BACK IN BECAUSE WE SHOULD HAVE RUSSIA AT
THE NEGOTIATING TABLE.
>> STEPHEN: I UNDERSTAND YOU WANT RUSSIA AT THE NEGOTIATING
TABLE, BUT DON, JR. ALREADY TRIED THAT AND GOT CAUGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) MR. PRESIDENT, THIS REALLY LOOKS
LIKE RUSSIA HAS SOMETHING ON YOU.
WHAT IS IT?
PLEASE TELL ME IT'S SOMETHING MORE THAN THE PEE-PEE TAPE.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THIS IS WESTERN
DEMOCRACY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.
THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD ENDS: NOT WITH A BANG, BUT WITH A
TRICKLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )