These kiss tropes are illogical!
Hellooo, everybody!
Today we're talking about terrible kiss scenes, and the writers who write them. If you're a
romance lover like myself, I am sure you have read some foul kiss scenes that haunt you in
the night. I'm not entirely sure why they're so prevalent. I don't know if it's because
these writers have never been kissed before, and thus don't know what they're talking about. Or if
they've just never been kissed well. It could be that they're just trying too hard to be creative,
or they're regurgitating shit that they've read themselves. It's probably all of the above. I
don't care either way, just so long as it stops. You're hurting me. I'm listing the ten worst kiss
tropes that are popular in fiction today. You know these tropes, you've read these tropes,
you might have even written these tropes. In which case, I don't like you. A few disclaimers. You're
gonna notice that most of the examples on this list are heterosexual kisses, and usually the
shitty kisser is the male party. That's only because nearly all of these terrible tropes are
prevalent in heterosexual romances, and usually the man’s the one who's doin’ the shitty kissing.
I didn't make the rules, blame shitty writers out there. They're the ones stinkin’ this up.
Additionally, like all my trope lists, I reserve the right to change my mind,
but I highly doubt I will be changing my mind about any of these tropes because they're
fucking disgusting. Which of these tropes make you swallow your own puke? Comment below.
Now clench your butt cheeks and buckle in. This is gonna be a bumpy ride. You've been warned.
(The sound of a pen scratching. LOGO.)
Before we get started, thank you so much to everyone for supporting the cover reveal of
Shut Up and Write the Book. It means the world to me that you guys are here for me, and showing love
for me and my newest project. I am super excited about it. Please stay tuned for updates regarding
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keep an eye out. Speaking of which, don't forget to subscribe to my channel. I post new videos on
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you want alerts about Shut Up and Write the Book, which is coming very soon. Yeah! And the fiction
is more your speed, The Savior's Champion and The Savior’s Sister are available in ebook, paperback,
hardback and audiobook. If you like yourself some award winning dark fantasy romance, please,
please, please check out the first two books in The Savior Series. Especially since The Savior's
Army is coming out right around the corner. And now I am breaking down the ten worst kiss tropes
in fiction. If you read any kind of romance, I promise you have seen these tropes, and if you
have any sense I'm sure you hate them as much as I do. Number One (1): Let's talk super close to one
another’s faces, without kissing. Bonus points if you include a whole lotta heavy breathing.
(Deep heavy breathing sounds) It's so sexy having our mouths this close.
The intention of this plot device is clear:
you're trying to build tension and make readers crave this kiss. Only to be like sike,
it ain’t coming. Neither are the characters. The thing is people don't actually do this. To my
knowledge. No one just stands really close together talking into each other's mouths.
You're so hot. No, you're so hot. No, you're so hot. No, you’re so—we’re both so hot. (Breathy groan)
I mean if this is a thing that actually happens, then I'm happy to have avoided it,
because it sounds awkward as hell. We're just pressed together, whispering and breathing.
(Breathy groan)
It's not romantic. All I can think about when I read this scene is “Did anyone eat
onions? That's gotta suck.” The characters are usually gazing into each other's eyes,
fighting the urge to kiss. But bitch you got this far! Your lips are millimeters apart,
just do it. But no, they dart away, because that's normal and comfortable for everyone.
It's like putting in just the tip. You're already in there, might as well go all the
way. Number Two (2): I wanna hear you beg. Beg for what? It's just a fucking kiss. “Oh,
please kiss me. I beg you!” Have some goddamn self respect. I understand some people find the
whole begging thing a turn on when it comes to sex, but kissing? I can get kissed by anyone.
Why do I gotta get on my knees and grovel for you? If someone asked me to beg for a kiss I’d leave.
Don't insult me. What makes your mouth so special? Am I even going to enjoy this experience?
Because a lot of kiss scenes are pretty awful. So if anything, you should be begging me.
I'm the one taking the risk here. I also just find the whole “please” thing kind of embarrassing.
It's one thing if you're being playful, but if you're genuinely like “Please, oh please,
just kiss me.” Jesus Christ, have some standards. You're better than debasing yourself for minimal
affection. Number Three (3): Tongue flicking. I haven't kissed a ton of men in my life, but I can
guarantee no one flicked their tongue inside of my mouth. If somebody did that I'd be like,
"Woah buddy! Whatcha doing? It's not a clitoris.” But I see the word ‘flicked’ in so many kiss scenes,
so someone out there must think it's sexy. All it does for me is make me think of lizards.
(Babbling noises) This is how you're kissing people?
(Babbling noises) This is what turns you on?
I swear this is evidence that lizard people exist, otherwise why would this be a thing? No one flicks
when they kiss, right? And I'm missing out on some intense hardcore life experience? Turns out first
base is frenching, and second base is flicking. Musta skipped that step. On a similar note,
Number Four (4): Their tongues battled for dominance. So now we're fighting.
Mouth fighting specifically. This line sucks, because like most of these tropes,
it creates a weird visual. I see tongs wearing helmets and holding little swords with their
tongue arms. You've made a muscle sentient, and now I'm distracted. Forget the kiss,
which tongue is the victor? How do you decide if a tongue wins? Is it kinda like a thumb war? Does
the winning tongue have to pin the losing tongue? And if so, does it matter which mouth it happened
in? If you pin a tongue in said tongue's mouth, does that mean that you defeated them in their
own territory? Does that mean you are now king of their mouth? You've conquered their land,
so now they have to swear allegiance and pay taxes to your tongue. What happens if
the losing tongue revolts? Do the teeth ever get involved, or are they Switzerland to the
situation? What were we talking about? Number Five (5): He tastes like coffee and cigarettes.
(Gag sound)
Coffee is delicious. But you know what's 100% rancid? Coffee breath! And cigarettes? That's
the taste you wanna dip your tongue into? An ashtray? Yet, somehow this description
is prevalent in so many kiss scenes. And every time it makes my brain boner shrivel
up until it inverts. Tumbleweeds are passing through my vajim-jam. That's how dry it is.
You did this to me. I actually posted this on Instagram, and several people commented, “Well,
I like the taste of cigarettes.” Honestly, I applaud their bravery for admitting that,
because I do not have the spine to publicly admit that I enjoy the flavor of hot garbage. If we're
gonna normalize romanticizing disgusting flavors, why not go all in? Say he tasted like cat food
and liver. Or toothpaste with orange juice. Might as well get creative with your grossness because
coffee and cigarettes has gotten a little cliche. Number Six (6): Their lips slammed together. After
they regained consciousness, they were rushed to the ER and treated for their concussions.
Slamming and crashing are very common verbs used in kiss scenes, and I just gotta wonder if
these people have ever kissed before. What about two mouths slamming together sounds appealing?
Bam! Bah! Bah! Bah!
I’m sorry Spock and Pegasus.
Sacrifices needed to be made for demonstration purposes.
You know there are teeth behind those lips, right? That is exposed bone you are literally
crashing together. If the characters don't get a concussion, they will at least have dental
damage. It's not sexy to turn affection into an act of violence. Why are you attacking someone
with your mouth? Is this stage one for the battle of tongue dominance? I just don't see why writers
make so many kiss scenes brutal. It's bad enough that you're exposed to so many germs, you don't
need to add another reason for your characters to go to the hospital. Number Seven (7): He shut
her up with a kiss. You were so sick of hearing her talk, that you kissed her non-consensually?
Talk about romantic! Who said chivalry is dead? Bonus douchebag points if he shuts her up when
she's really pissed. That is what I don't get about the shut up kiss. It's fucking rude! But
the woman always reacts first with surprise, and then by melting into the kiss. That would
literally never happen in a million years. First of all, she's usually fuming, which is why he's
so keen to shut her up. So if that's the case, she should be even more pissed now because he
just showed her that he doesn't give a shit about what she had to say. And he violated her. How are
people writing this and thinking “Yeah, this is peak romance. Readers are gonna love it.”
Because everyone loves being invalidated and assaulted at the same time. Honestly,
if the shut up kiss happened to me, I'd be afraid for my life. It just feels like something a rapist
would do. I would whip out my mace real quick. Number Eight (8): His kiss was possessive. How
can a kiss be possessive? Explain this to me. Possessive means showing signs of wanting to
own you. So does his mouth want to buy you? Like a product? Make it make sense. But often this line
is combined with ‘His mouth overtakes her’ and then I get it. He's just a shitty kisser. He's
doing that giant mouth thing that fifteen-year-old boys do when they're just learning to kiss.
(Groaning noises)
I'm sorry, but people need to see.
A lot of ladies out there know what I'm talking about. Those were dark times.
I read these scenes and I just think of a man opening his mouth SO wide. As if
he's a snake unhinging its jaw. He's just overtaking her mouth, along with half of
her fucking face. He's getting near nostril level, and you know there's drool involved,
it's just inevitable when you go all in like that. If it wasn't already clear,
this once again is not romantic or attractive. It is face eating levels of cringe.
Everyone who has been on the receiving end of this kiss knows that it is supremely uncomfortable.
You can't breathe, your skin is chapped, and there's slobber on your chin. Maybe leave the possessive
kiss back in high school where it belongs. Number Nine (9): He plundered her mouth.
How did this become a thing? Who brought this phrase into existence? Why did no one
realize they’re a virgin? How does one plunder a mouth? What exactly do they steal in there?
(Pirate talk) Yarr matey! I’ve come to plunder your booty. Gimmie your gold teeth and walk the plank!
I'm not gonna lie, when I heard that this line was a romantic cliche, I thought it was a joke
at first. But people actually write it in kiss scenes. A lot. Why? Aside from the fact that it
makes no fucking sense, the visual it gives me is someone thoroughly licking the inside of another
person's mouth, getting into every nook and cranny to find everything they can plunder. Writers,
I beg you, if at any point you thought ‘plundering her mouth’ was a romantic thing to write, please
reflect on yourself, your life, your decisions, all of it. Because something has gone terribly
wrong, obviously. And last but not least, Number Ten (10): And then they kissed. That's it?
You got us invested in this ship. We've been waiting for this moment. And that's how you're playing it?
Their lips touched, end of scene. Fuck you right in the face. You dangle the carrot for so long,
and now we're getting none of the details. You're a dirty rotten son of a bitch. How dare you toy
with my heart like this? You can't write a romance and give zero payoff. That's some chicken shit,
blasphemous behavior. Can you tell I'm angry? I noticed grabbing a kiss can be awkward, but it's
not like I've got multiple videos on the topic. Give us something! Even if it's just a paragraph.
I want to know things. The only time I think it's okay not to describe a kiss, is if you're going
to describe it in any of the ways on this list. If that's the case, ‘Their lips touched’ is the
superior option. But then again, if you don't know how to describe a kiss without making it
disgusting, maybe you shouldn't be writing kiss scenes at all. So that's all I got for you today.
Thanks again for supporting the cover reveal of Shut Up and Write the Book. Don't forget,
it's going to be available for presale very soon. So stay on the lookout! On a related note,
don't forget to subscribe to my channel. I post new videos on Wednesdays, and if you wanna be
alerted as SOON as I upload, ring that bell. And you gotta subscribe and ring the bell so you can
get updates about Shut Up and Write the Book. If fiction is more your style, The Savior's Champion
and The Savior’s Sister are available in ebook, paperback, hardback and audiobook at all major
retailers. So if you wanna read some dark fantasy romance that has none of these terrible tropes,
I promise, definitely check them out. They're linked below. And be sure to follow me on social media.
I'm on Instagram, Tumblr, Facebook, and BookBub. And of course you can tweet me @JennaMoreci! Bye!
(Babbling noises)
(Regal, But Distracted Female Voice) Oh! Hello there. I’m Leila and I'm off to…a meeting
with…a…senator. While you're here, why don't you subscribe to Jenna’s channel? And ring the bell!
That way you'll always know when our videos go live. It's the perfect distraction—I mean,
entrainment. Well, off I go! Ignore the blade, it's just for show. Bye!