This is how... this is how Jewish I am.
My mom was a stand-up comedian.
For many years, they used to call her
the queen of one-liners,
'cause all it took was one line of coke,
and she was blowing everybody...
(audience groans and laughs)
...away with her jokes.
(laughter and groaning)
It's weird for my mom to see me doing comedy,
'cause no one wants to see one of their mistakes
making one of their mistakes.
So I am... I am a nerd, clearly,
and, uh, I-I have a confession to make as a nerd.
I am not a fan of the
I said it. Not a fan.
I know. I belong on the Island of Misfit Stereotypes,
along with the gay guy who's not into anal
and the handsome Jew, uh...
Here's why I don't like the
Because I saw
And that'll blow your mind.
By the time I saw
it was just unfunny
I was, like, "Where are all the classic characters
"like Yogurt and Pizza the Hutt?
This is not my childhood!"
Nerds-nerds are fickle.
Nerds are really mean.
I was... I was reading this review
of-of the video game
Have-have you guys heard...?
I feel like Jay Leno saying that sentence.
(imitating Leno): "Have you guys heard?
"There's a video game called
"and there was a review of it on Amazon.
I am a terrible person who fills my emotional void with cars."
I think Leno's best when he's self-aware. Just...
"I've been doing the same shit for 20 years."
Just Leno looking into a mirror every day.
"I hurt myself today to see if I still feel."
"Right, Kevin?" Uh...
But, yeah, I read this review
of the video game
This woman wrote a review, and she was like,
"I bought the game for my husband,
"and he loved it so much
"that he no longer talks to me,
and now we're filing for divorce."
And this guy wrote back.
He's like, "That's a terrible review.
"It says nothing about controls
"or game play design.
I get that you're alone, but is there a multiplayer feature?"
But the meanest that-that people get,
the worst of-of nerds is...
on message boards. Oh, my God.
I was reading this article about Adele's pregnancy
on-on a message board when that was the thing,
and one guy was like, "Oh, I hope she has a-a boy."
And another guy was like, "Oh, I hope she has a girl."
And one asshole fan wrote,
"Well, I hope she has a miscarriage
because that will give us the greatest album of all time."
My-my favorite British celebrity ever is-is Susan Boyle.
Uh...
For those of you who don't remember,
Susan Boyle was this woman, parentheses-question mark.
And I won't say she's unattractive.
I'll just say she looks like Robin Williams
trying to get his kids back again.
Which I can say because I look like Robin Williams
telling Matt Damon to believe in himself.
I went to England recently,
and I got in big, uh, cultural fight with this guy.
We were watching fireworks, and he was like,
(English accent): "Do they have fireworks in America?"
And I was like, "Yes, they do, you Charles Dickens novel.
Uh, we have them during Independence Day."
And he was like, "What's Independence Day?"
And I didn't want to get all Toby Keith on him
and be like, "The day we kicked your asses."
So I just started to describe to him
the plot of the movie
"It's when we get together as a culture
"and celebrate Jeff Goldblum defeating the aliens
with Windows 95."
I had a stepdad growing up.
An-Any stepdads in the audience tonight?
No, must be a Little League game going on. Uh...
I feel bad for stepdads because there's-there's no day
to honor them-- we have Father's Day,
and we should have Stepfather's Day.
And we could have fun Stepfather's Day games
like Pin the Blame on Yourself.
And-and we could have Stepfather's Day greeting cards,
like, "Now that the dad I love is gone,
thanks for being there to (bleep) my mom."
But you put it in Comic Sans. It's adorable. You got to...
soften the blow.