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hey there everybody and welcome to this video on
five signs you may have toxic guilt i'm your host dr donnelly snipes
let's start out by defining guilt and shame although it's basically kind of semantics guilt
and shame are both forms of self-anger anger is a feeling that we have when we feel threatened so
anger is a feeling that we're having where we feel like we're a threat to ourselves for some reason
now as i said something of semantics some people use guilt and shame interchangeably what we're
talking about right now is a feeling you get when you did or you think you did something bad shame
some people define as a feeling that you are bad and that is going to be discussed in next week's
videos healthy guilt motivates change and growth because let's face it sometimes we do things
that are wrong and when we do that we have this healthy guilt that says you need to fix that okay
and healthy guilt helps us grow toxic guilt drains your energy and erodes your self-esteem
so what are some signs of toxic guilt it may be toxic guilt if you feel guilty about things you
have no control over you feel guilty because some island out in the pacific got hit by a tsunami
you can feel bad for them you can empathize you can have compassion but feeling guilty doesn't do
any good yet some people will and they will start saying well i didn't reduce my carbon
footprint enough and i contributed to global warming therefore the tsunami in the pacific
was my fault so i will feel guilty people who have toxic guilt will find a way to make it their fault
you may have toxic guilt if you have guilt about other people's feelings
other people especially adults are responsible for their own feelings you're responsible for
your behaviors they're responsible for their feelings if they're angry
you need to check yourself did i do something that was inappropriate that i need to apologize for
if so okay however the other person's emotional reaction
is their responsibility you can trigger an anger feeling that's natural if they felt threatened
but then what they do with that anger that's their responsibility
if they choose to hold it and nurture it and seethe and stew on it that's on them
if you feel guilty about things that you already made amends for
or maybe can't make amends for but you've learned from that can be toxic guilt if you already
apologized for something and the person accepted your resp accepted your apology yet you still keep
beating yourself up for it then that is toxic guilt if you refuse to let it go
they've already let it go you're the one holding on to it so you need to examine your motivations
sometimes things happen that you can't make amends for for example maybe you
chose to go play around a golf when you knew that your grandmother was you know on her deathbed
and instead of going to the hospital to say goodbye well you may regret that later you
may feel guilty for not going and saying your final goodbyes okay well you can't change that
but you've learned from it you're probably not going to do that again you can make amends to the
other people that could have used your support but you can't tell grandma what you wanted to tell her
so you have to learn from that and not do it again but if you continue to hold on to that guilt
because of because you can't apologize to grandma then that is toxic guilt
another sign of toxic guilt is feeling guilty because you're not perfect or as good as somebody
else you've got this message somewhere along the way that you're only lovable if you are perfect
and if you're not perfect then you're going to be rejected and rejection triggers anger ergo guilt
if you feel guilty about being successful so this is the flip side of the coin some people
feel guilty if they're not successful and they're not perfect other people feel guilty for being
successful because they look around and they see other people that are struggling and they're like
oh my gosh i don't deserve to be doing this well when everybody else is struggling
and in some cases the same person can feel the same can feel guilt for both things they can feel
guilty that they're not perfect and then feel guilty at the same time for being successful so
they're damned if they do and they're damned if they don't let's call it what it is another
sign of toxic guilt is feeling guilty about taking care of yourself and in the next video we're going
to talk about ways to deal with toxic guilt but let me say this self-care is not selfish if you
burn yourself out then you're not going to be any good to anybody and the final sign of toxic guilt
is when you feel guilty about what other people tell you to feel guilty about if other people
are able to manipulate you by telling you what you should think what you should have done and
trigger that self anger trigger that guilt in you that you hold on to then that's toxic guilt
toxic guilt is an ongoing anger at yourself you end up seeing yourself as a threat to yourself
you see your behaviors or lack of behaviors if you fail to do something that you think
you should have done as unacceptable and that makes you reject not the behavior but you reject
yourself you're not separating a behavior from a person you are lumping them all together and going
i made them this mistake i did this bad thing therefore i'm a bad person
i'm going to reject myself and other people are going to reject me
that's toxic this toxic guilt causes ongoing activation of your stress response which can lead
to desperate attempts to prove to yourself that you're worthy a lot of people with toxic guilt are
incessantly apologizing incessantly caretaking sometimes kind of overstepping their bounds
and invading your boundaries going how can i fix it what can i do for you and you're like
i don't need anything right now thank you very much but people with toxic guilt feel like they
need to constantly be making amends for their real or perceived failures or mistakes in the past
when people have toxic guilt they feel guilty identi um it's important for them to identify
and evaluate their shoulds when you start to feel guilty it's important to ask yourself
what am i [ __ ] myself what am i saying i should have done
or i shouldn't have done that will help you get some idea into the chorus of the inner critic
that is just getting stronger and stronger the more ammunition you give it the louder it gets
one of the things that you can do is ask yourself is guilt a good use of your energy right now
is being angry with yourself and sitting with this feeling and punishing yourself
is this a good use of your energy
how else could you use your energy to move toward what you define as a rich and meaningful life
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the media your communities and your family all shape and guide your beliefs they tell you what
you need to do to be good or lovable sometimes especially when you were a child you may have
believed that you were responsible sometimes you were told you were responsible for things that
were not your responsibility like other people's feelings in the eight ways to overcome toxic guilt
the next video you'll explore how to deal with these beliefs that are toxic to your mental health
and enhance your feelings of self-hatred powerlessness and fears of rejection
if this video was helpful consider watching some of my other videos
on guilt positive self-talk and cognitive distortions