(rock music to electronic beat)
- Welcome to Set List Live at NerdMelt Los Angeles!
(crowd cheers)
Tonight's comedians are coming up without a setlist,
we are going to give them a setlist,
and they are going to improvise the routine
that goes along with it,
out of complete and total thin air,
with nothing to protect them but their fragile egos,
right here before your very eyes,
ladies and gentlemen, leaping into the comedy abyss.
(crowd cheers)
- It's watching comics on their feet, just free-fall,
I think, and that's the fun of it for me.
It's like a ball game man, you can lose, you know.
(laughs) It doesn't matter if you're the Yankees,
you can lose.
And I'm not the Yankees.
- Well then, give it up for the never-before-seen setlist
of Greg Proops!
(crowd cheers and applauds)
- It's great to be here in this airless box.
(laughing)
Maybe Amnesty International should sponsor this show.
It's nice outside,
and then you're sentenced to come in here.
(laughing)
- Every night, when I go to bed.
I think about America.
The challenges, that face us,
the shit I haven't done. (audience laughing)
Mostly I think about debt.
Insane, irrevocable, imperishable debt.
The kind that no American,
should have to pay.
That's why I'm asking you, as your president,
to get down on your knees tonight.
Believe me, Abraham Lincoln said,
in his second inaugural address, "I'll have six of those."
(audience laughs and woahs)
I see you're judgemental.
(audience laughs)
(snort)
For those of you who are not religious,
or whatever religion you pursue,
consider it not a prayer, but more of an invocation,
an invocation that one day,
we will not all here in America have to get up at six
in the morning and dance with a ribbon for half an hour.
(audience claps)
- So you showed up,
I was finally wonderin' when you were gonna get here.
- Well I may have taken my time, sir,
but I think you'll find the result's going to be the same.
- Well I hope you brought your shootin' iron.
- I brought more than my shootin' iron,
I brought a mouthpiece, I'd like you to meet someone.
- Hi, my name's Herb, and um,
(audience laughs)
I'm with the firm of Tardis, Tardis, Earp & Earp.
I'd like to set a few ground rules here,
before we get goin'.
- Ground rules in a duel, there's no ground rules in a duel.
- This is not a duel sir, this is a gunfight.
A duel would have meant that you had damaged me somehow,
and that I felt some sort of umbrage at you.
Rather, I'm just full of furious anger
at the fact of your mere existence.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, well, I think you're fuckin' ugly too--
- All right, all right.
I don't have a clause for name-calling,
but I'm gonna have to stop this right now.
What we had just now was verbal injury,
and my client's gonna see you in court, all right?
(audience woos and applauds)
- Sorry the lawyer was Jewish, you guys,
I know you're sensitive and shit.
(audience laughs)
(snorts)
(wooshing)
- Come to dinner!
- I'm doing something, mother!
(beeping)
- It's gonna get cold!
- I said I'm busy!
The echinoderm rolled across the ocean floor,
its ovaries glinting in the hundred--
(audience laughing)
hundred square-foot pressure that was being put upon them.
A lot of people don't know that sea cucumbers have
a clitoris that's over 14 feet long.
(audience laughs)
An urchin rolled up,
its spines gently brushing along the sea urchin's skin.
The sea cucumber yawned furtively.
The sea urchin rolled its spiky protuberances,
each one and invitation to ecstasy.
- We're having cauliflower!
- I said I'm busy!
(audience laughing and clapping)
Where was I? (audience cheering)
- Hi, my name's Johnny, I'm white and privileged, welcome.
Over here you'll see the poor (laughing),
we put 'em right next to the snack bar.
Over here you see some girls,
they're out on Sunset Boulevard,
that's what this whole display is.
This is a bar up on Sunset called Dublin's,
and these girls went there to have a quiet drink
(laughing and snorting),
they didn't realize it was douche-bag-forever night.
And over here is, uh, the middle east (laughing).
You know, I was at Taco Bell today,
havin' a burrito supreme, just thinkin',
"wow, it's a shit storm over there."
I'm wondering if people
in this room really know what schadenfreude is.
(audience cheering and clapping)
'Cause I want you to know,
our next display is of an air-conditioned comedy club.
(audience laughing and cheering)
- Hello everybody, I know this is your first day here
at Google, let's get a couple things straight.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you very much,
good night. (audience clapping)
(rock music to electronic beat)
- Proops, kills it every time.
- I think it went okay, I appear to have fooled them.
And tonight there were so many good ones,
the praying to China, and the lawyer at a gunfight,
that's hilarious.
That was like a sketch from the Steve Allen show, man.
The jellyfish fanfiction thing was hysterically funny,
and I had more, and that was one that I was like,
"Should I do more?" and then there was that line
of demarcation between funny and self indulgent.
More, for me, would have been funny,
but maybe not for them since they had let me know
that it was over.
(laughing)
(rock music to electronic beat)
(scribbling) (shuffling)