(rock guitar)
- It's Set List, standup without a net,
live from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival!
Comedians from around the world are comin' on stage,
and they're gonna riff on topics we gave 'em,
zero preparation, makin' comedy out of thin air
for your sadistic pleasure.
- What do I think of Set List?
The first time I did it was in Edinburgh last year,
I might have done a little bit of wee,
just before I went on, into my actual trousers.
(nervous panting)
Am I funny?
Am I funny really?
What if I don't have any material?
- But you came back and you won.
- I do come back for more.
I'm like a heroin addict.
It's not good for me, I know I'll come back every time.
- Would you please welcome to the stage,
the brand-new never before seen set list of Aisling Bea!
(crowd cheering)
- Hello! How are you?
Are you all well?
(crowd ruckus)
Yay!
There they are, though lads, I'm not going to lie,
I'm going to be doing some new material for you tonight.
So, something I've, so I'm from a farming background.
I'm not sure if any of you know this,
and why I'm here tonight, and I've chosen my clothes,
(laughing)
especially for this, you don't know when a sheep
is going to attack.
You don't know when, you don't know where.
Where I'm from in Ireland is very much like Sparta.
In Sparta, they used to leave a newborn baby out on a rock,
and if he survived the night,
then, we'd know he was a strong baby.
No one ever came and got me.
(laughing)
And there I was.
So I grew up, I mean, I've learned English in the last
few years, and I tink it's goin' really well.
But, I had to do what I can.
I used to breathe in the moisture from the air,
hoping it was like breast milk.
I've no idea what breast milk'll actually taste like,
if anyone wants to volunteer, I'm not sure lookin'
I can't, you can never tell lookin' at people's faces,
whether they're lactating or not.
(laughing)
But the main thing roaming in the fields when you're left
to grow up on a rock, is learning how to defend yourselves
from, at first we started off small, toads.
So, toads would jump up on your face.
They tried to kiss you, I majorly would go like that,
'cause that's a trick.
Because they will turn into people who will kill you.
(laughing)
So, never kiss a toad.
Then, like, bigger things would come and get you
once you started to become a bit more visible.
Like, birds, eagles.
Best thing with an eagle is to just play dead,
and then you get a free flight somewhere.
(laughing)
And then, you know, how I ended up in England.
When I got here, though, I did end up in the countryside,
and, first thing I noticed, it's very much like Ireland
because of the amount of, I mean,
what the government calls sheep.
(laughing)
Sheep, to many of you, are kind of, they're like clouds
with legs, but they contain no dreams,
and Jesus does not live in them.
(laughing)
The devil lives in them.
(laughing)
And I tell you what, lads, once one of them does one thing,
they'll all do it.
And then they'll start jumpin' over fences
just to weaken you down, and you'll go, this is...
Dit.
Ah, no!
No!
But the best thing to do, is basically
to dress like one of them.
Take their skin, and it is their skin,
you just get two sharp swords, and you twist them
around each other in a mad sort of fashion.
You realize you can't knit with swords,
and you give all the wool to an old person.
(laughing)
They will make you a jumper.
You can just walk amongst 'em, as if you are
one of their own, and lads, it works a treat.
And that is how to defend yourself against
what the government calls sheep.
(cheering applause)
Another ting is, for anyone who is a bit homophobic,
and when you're homophobic, it normally means you're gay.
(laughing)
So what we like to do to those people, is we like to,
just slowly gently get them away from homophobia
by sitting them down in a chair, having sheep jump across
until they fall asleep, and then we slowly but surely
whack sausages in their face.
Just some pork.
Just like this.
Just to get them used to it.
And so,
(laughing)
You know.
And, they wake up, they wake up and they go,
"What the hell's going on?"
It's just a sausage, sir.
"Oh, God!
"I had the craziest dream."
Yeah, go back to sleep.
Bom. Bom. Bom.
It's just to get rid of homophobia by slapping,
by slapping cock in a man's face.
There's no way to get out of that bit, really, was there?
But, I tell you something, and I'll tell you no more, lads,
(laughing)
So, right, everyone has their thing, okay.
Now, I'm not great with history, but the one thing I know
is if you want to be cool in secondary school,
a great thing to do is to come up with your own high-five.
You know, it's just like, everyone's like,
"Oh, gosh, she's got her own high-five."
You know, like, when you fist pump someone, you're that
Boom, explosion, and everyone's like, "What a cool dude."
I was like, "I'm not gonna be a sheep."
I'm not gonna be sheep and do what everyone else is doing,
so I developed my own.
And it was brilliant.
Again, I'm not a history buff, but I just come up with this.
I was like, what about a straight arm?
(laughing)
And I was like, "Okay."
So, every time I see one of my pals, be like, "Hel-oy!"
You know, and he did it straight back.
(laughing)
Bit too quick there, sir, weren't you?
Mmm, yeah, I am lonely.
And, but yeah, and it's gone really well, guys.
I mean, it's really taking off, and,
the other day there was this march in Edinburgh, and,
(laughing)
you know, they loved it.
They just loved--
Ah, guys, look what you're doin', look what you're doin'.
And that was, but, again, then I saw a few pictures,
and did a bit of a Google, and,
I, no, I won't be doin' it any more, I'm gonna go for this.
(laughing)
Which I think is a much safer one.
Just like that, and you just put a bit of your hand
at an angle, and you sort of, like that one,
and it's really taken off as well, that one is--
(laughing)
(applause)
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Aisling Bea,
and you've been lovely!
(rock guitar)
I still think this little awkward hand wave could catch on.
Just need the right crowd.
(digital music)
(pages flipping)