Earlier this year, I started feeling that all too familiar feeling.
I call it “the feeling before I fall apart”.
Battling depression is like going into a fight
that you're most certain that you won't win, yet you want to keep fighting for some reason.
It all started when I was a teenager.
Most of the days, I felt like dying or like disappearing.
What was wrong with me? Am i broken?
Am I not as happy as the other kids?
Seeking professional help at fifteen is a bit
difficult since no psychiatrist or psychologist will diagnose you with "depression"
Even though I had all the major symptoms of depression.
They usually tell you it's just something temporary and that the feeling of
emptiness and despair will go away at some point.
Boy, were they wrong.
You see, some days are good, some days are horrible and some days I literally have
to pat myself on the back just for showering for the first time in a week.
I'm a bit more sensitive than most people.
Things affect me in a harsher and more direct way, I guess.
I take a lot of things personally and seriously when I shouldn't.
I feel things deeply, especially bad things.
After years of self-abuse, I realized that something has to change drastically.
I've heard all the advice that you can possibly hear when someone finds out
that you're dealing with depression.
"Go try yoga!", "Make a list of responsibilities
and things that you want to do and stick to it!"
“Just smile more!”, “Don’t be so sad!", "Life is beautiful!”
But you don't understand,
when you're depressed, there is no way out. It's like you're stuck
in a cave of terrible thoughts and they're all you can see in hear. You have to use all the
strength that you have just to not give up.
How am I supposed to go do yoga?
How do I even smile?
I've never really been a dog person.
In fact, I used to be kind of scared of dogs. But once, I met a friend's dog that was a pug
and we got along so well that the idea of having a dog as my sidekick
against the world sounded amazing.
One day I decided that I no longer
wanted to sit around drowning in my depression, I decided that I wanted to
give my love to a little being I can care for, I decided that I wanted to have
a little pug! Don't get me wrong, I didn't get my dog for him to serve as a
living and breathing anti-depressant that was never his purpose.
I just wanted a friend.
A companion to have around whose face I'll never get tired of.
What I got was more than I could ever imagine.
I put up an ad for a dog and after a few people were reached out,
I got an email from a woman that was moving and couldn't bring her pug with her.
I traveled two hours to her home
and when the door opened and I saw him, I felt a bell ring in my head and in my heart
He had such a playful personality and I instantly fell in love.
It just so happens, that day was the only day in the whole winter that it was snowing like crazy.
He was so scared of traffic and couldn't get in the dog-carrying bag.
It was way way too cold for him to walk so I had to carry him to the train station.
When I got there, I found out that there wasn't a single train going to where I lived.
I had to beg bus drivers to let us get on and when we did, I was so scared
that he was gonna pee or poo on the bus.
But he laid on my lap and fell asleep in the warm bus ride home.
The first day at home with him, I was scared and excited all at the same time.
Up until that day, every single day was a battle with myself to even get up in the morning
Or any other time, during the day, for that matter.
Now all of a sudden, I have to wake up early, take him out, feed him, make sure that he's well played with.
It's a totally different rhythm of life and a totally new responsibility.
Dogs aren't a toy you are taking care of a wonderful living and breathing being
that needs love and attention.
I have to be honest, on the first day, I called my
best friend, and I cried a storm saying that I made a mistake and I won't be
able to provide him with the love and care that he needs.
But she calmed me down, and I'm so thankful that she did.
Ever since I got my dog, everyone around me has been noticing that I look so much happier.
I can even say myself that my depressive episodes have become less frequent.
He wakes me up by licking my face,
and while he's eating I drink coffee and enjoy my morning.
Whenever I need a break from reality or from whatever is going on, I just put him on a leash
and we walk until we're both so tired that I can't think anymore.
I think that dogs know when you're sad, because whenever I'm feeling down
or in the middle of a depressive episode, he doesn't rest until he's next to me.
His personality and his cute little face instantly make me laugh, no matter what's going on.
When I'm crying and when I feel like the whole world is gonna come
crashing down on me, I just lie next to him and cuddle with him.
All of a sudden, the world isn't such a scary place.
Every morning is so much brighter with him next to me,
and every night is so much better with him snoring by my feet.
My dog has made my life richer and better in ways that words will never be able to describe,
and he doesn't even know it.
I really don't know what we did to deserve dogs.
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