>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER OVER THERE,
ARTFULLY CARVING, PLANING, AND POLISHING THE SPRUCE AND WILLOW
WOOD OF TODAY'S NEWS, STRINGING IT WITH THE ALLOY-TREATED
SYNTHETIC CAT GUT OF THE LATEST HEADLINES, TO CRAFT THE
STRADIVARIUS THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT AFTER THE APPLAUSE DIES DOWN I LIKE TO COLLECT MY ROSES, I
LIKE TO TAKE THAT FIDDLE DOWN TO MEMAW'S CELLAR, BANG ON AN
OVERTURNED BASIN, SCRAPE THE OLD WASHBOARD, AND FINISH OFF THE
BATHTUB MOONSHINE OF THE DAY'S SMALLER STORIES SO I CAN HOLLER
THEM BACK AT YOU IN THE BAREFOOT JUGBAND HOEDOWN OF A SEGMENT
THAT I CALL: "MEANWHILE!"
DID GIVES AND IT GIVES.
IT'S A BOTTOMLESS WELL OF JOY "MEANWHILE."
MEANWHILE, A FLORIDA TRAFFIC STOP LED TO TWO NARCOTICS
ARRESTS AFTER POLICE FOUND A BAG CONTAINING DRUGS IN THE CAR.
THE TIP-OFF?
THE BAG WAS LABELED "BAG FULL OF DRUGS."
( LAUGHTER )
WITH IT, IF NOT FOR THEIR GETAWAY VEHICLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, "YOUTUBE HAS REVEALED ITS AD REVENUES FOR THE FIRST
TIME," AND IT'S A WHOPPING "$15 BILLION A YEAR."
NOW, YOU MAY ASK HOW YOUTUBE IS RAKING IN SUCH AN INSANE AMOUNT
OF MONEY, BUT THE FACT-- NO, NO!
NOT THE YOUTUBE AD COUNTDOWN THING!
NO!
>> HEAD STUCK IN A DRAWER?
YOU NEED DRAWER FRESHENER, THE ONLY NON-F.D.A.
APPR--" >> Stephen: YES, SKIP AD.
THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SHOW ME THAT ONE AD?
I GOOGLED "HEAD STUCK IN A DRAWER" ONE TIME.
MANWHILE, A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS BELIEVE YARN GROWN FROM HUMAN
SKIN COULD SOON BE USED TO STITCH UP SURGICAL PATIENTS AND
REPAIR ORGANS.
THE HEAD OF THE TEAM WAS QUOTED AS SAYING, "AND IT'S DEFINITELY
NOT FOR MAKING HUMAN CENTIPEDES, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A BUNCH OF
THE SKIN BACK TO MY BASEMENT HOME LAB.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT WORTH WORRYING ABOUT?
MISSING HITCHHIKERS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TEXTILE," WHICH THEY DEVELOPED FROM SKIN CELLS, CAN BE USED FOR
KNITTING, SEWING, AND EVEN CROCHET, AND CAN AID A NUMBER OF
MEDICAL PROCEDURES."
WAIT.
AND CAN AID IN MEDICAL PROCEDURES?
THAT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE THE PRIMARY PURPOSE IS REGULAR
KNITTING AND CROCHET.
"OHHH, I'M JUST MAKING ANOTHER SKIN SCARF FOR JOEY.
I WORRY THAT OFF IN COLLEGE HE'S NOT STAYING CREEPY ENOUGH."
GOTTA REMEMBER TO REFRIGERATE THAT."
MEANWHILE, "ROBERT PATTINSON IS THE HOTTEST MAN IN THE WORLD,
ACCORDING TO MATH."
THE CALCULATIONS WERE PERFORMED BY THE RENOWNED RESEARCH TEAM OF
BECCA AND HAILEY.
( LAUGHTER )
STATUS ACTUALLY COMES FROM PLASTIC SURGEON JULIAN DE SILVA,
WHO MADE HIS DETERMINATION USING SOMETHING CALLED "THE
GOLDEN RATIO OF BEAUTY PHI," AN ANCIENT FORMULA THAT IS WIDELY
USED TO MEASURE PHYSICAL PERFECTION.
GREAT JOB, DR. DE SILVA.
HISTORICALLY, IF YOU'RE CALCULATING PHYSICAL PERFECTION
USING A FORMULA, YOU'RE ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS.
( LAUGHTER )
DA VINCI USED "BEAUTY PHI" WHEN DRAWING THE VITRUVIAN MAN.
YES, FAMOUS SMOKE SHOW, THE VITRUVIAN MAN.
I MEAN, JUST LOOK.
AT.
HOW.
HOT.
HE.
IS!
MMM!
I MEAN YOU COULD JUST-- YEAH!
( APPLAUSE )
THAT CAVERNOUS EYE SOCKET.
MEANWHILE, "RED LOBSTER HAS RELEASED HEART-SHAPED BOXES OF
CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.
I LOVE WHEN FOOD COMES IN A PACKAGE THAT'S THE SHAPE OF THE
THING IT'S GOING TO DESTROY.
THAT'S WHY--
THAT'S WHY I EXCLUSIVELY DRINK "DR. CIRRHOSIS' LIVER-SHAPED
BOURBON."
MEANWHILE, DOMINO'S PIZZA HAS DEBUTED A ONE-OF-A-KIND
PIZZA-THEMED ENGAGEMENT RING-- PERFECT FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO
GUARANTEE THE END OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP IN 30 MINUTES OR
LESS.
( LAUGHTER )
TAYLOR.