Welcome to the Larboard Oaks Mansion Ghost Tour.
Built in 1887,
five generations of Farsleys have inhabited this mansion,
and an unusual number of them have met their deaths
under suspicious circumstances.
Bad for them, but good for me.
Otherwise, there wouldn't be a ghost tour.
There are over 20 suspicious deaths.
So during the tour, why don't you guys stay close by?
We wouldn't want to make it 21 tonight, would we?
It's just after 10 p.m. This is the adult tour,
which means you can drink if you want
and we can say whatever the hell we want.
Jizz.
Sorry?
Jizz. Like cum shot.
You can say that,
because you said we can say whatever the hell we want.
-Sure. -Or horse cock.
Yeah, I guess. There are no rules about swearing.
Awesome.
But let's do try and keep the comments and questions
related to the ghost tour, okay?
Now, if you'll follow me.
Now, unfortunately for the wait staff,
our two most oft-sighted ghosts reside here in the dining room,
or as we like to call it at the Larboard Oaks Mansion,
The Dying Room.
Any of these little fuckers ever pop out of the fucking wall
and say, "Fuck, there's a horse cock in my room
or a donkey dick"?
-Not to my knowledge. -Got it.
These are the exact dishes that were set out for Eliza and
Henry Farsley the night they met their untimely demise.
I guess Henry should've swiped left.
Any of these fuckers ever fucking fall out of the ceiling
and just have a big messy shit?
-I don't have an answer for you- -Or have a dingleberry.
-I have a question.
When people see Eliza and Henry, what are they wearing?
Okay, that's a great question.
We find apparitions are most commonly
wearing the clothes that they died in.
Oh, yeah, do they ever just fuckin' run around nude
and you see one of their big old fuckin' hairy nuts?
Can I talk to you for a second, please? Excuse me.
Yeah, come with me.
Look, I'm glad you're having fun.
-It's interesting, the ghosts. -But you're ruining the tour.
It's the adult tour. It's not for kids.
I work really hard at what I do, and you're totally insulting it.
I just asked if they were ever falling out of the--
Grow the hell up! Stop trying to be funny.
This is my worst day I've had on this job.
If you wanna stay on this tour, shut the hell up. You got it?
-Yes. -Good.
-Exactly to the day, three years later, just as she predicted it.
And the only witness?
The exact same Charles Croft who had seen her mother's fall.
Does anybody have any questions?
Not trying to be funny,
not trying to get a laugh.
I don't want anybody to have the worst day at their job...
But... do any of these...
fuckers...
ever blast out of the wall...
and have, like, a huge cum shot?
No, they don't.
Okay.
-Cool. -I just asked you not to do this.
You can't change the rules just 'cause
you don't like how I'm doing it.
Can we or can we not swear?
Yes. I'm not changing any rules.
Big fat load of cum, then.
I'm just asking you to use a little more judgment when you talk.
I don't know what is going on,
but somewhere our wires got crossed.
You're saying we're allowed to swear.
I'm saying "big, fat load of cum"
and "horse cock" and you're getting mad.
Do you see where I'm, like..?
-Look, I've had enough, okay? You're done.
-I just-- -You're done.
Look, we're sick of listening to your crap.
-Okay. -Now get out.
Thank you.
-Hi, Mom. -Make any friends?
Not really.