Alright, now, I never had a little brother, growing up
But my buddy Steven did
And what I've gathered over the years is that being a little brother sucks ass!
I mean, technically, I myself am a little brother I do have a sister eight years olden than me
But that's different
I had a house to myself when I was a kid
She was out on the streets, smoking cigarettes and stealing cars
Steven's little brother Matthew had it a little different than I did
He was like Steven's own little personal punching bag
He'd just be standing there, Steven would walk over and just pop him in the belly
I'd be like: "Woaw, what did you do that for?"
"Because I don't like the look on his fucking face, that's why!"
"Ah, man, that is awesome! You got somebody's ass you can beat whenever you want!"
"Never mind the Nintendo 64, Mom and Dad I want a little brother for Christmas"
You get shit on constantly when you are a little brother
You don't have any of your own clothes
You're over there wearing the same Jabberjaw t-shirt you brother used to wear two years ago
You never get to be the first player in video games
You get stuck with the shitty Mad catz controller where the a button sticks
And it sucks ass!
Now if you're feeling bad for little Matthew over there, don't!
He did plenty of shit to deserve everything that happened to him
He was a weird kid who did weird things
One time I was staying the night at their house and I woke up at the morning
And Matt was over there pissing in the two liter bottle
Right in the middle of his living room
"What the hell kind of weird buffalo bullshit is this?"
"I'm peeing in this Mountain Dew bottle!"
"Yeah, I see that. Why the hell are you doing that?"
"Uhm, I don't know"
The kid had a weird fetish for pissing in places that shouldn't be pissed in
I don't know why, it's just something that he did
One day we were playing hide-and-seek and me and Matt were hiding under his mom's minivan
Well, this looks like a good place to piss, now, doesn't it?
He just leans over on his side and starts peeing all over the place
"Dude, what are you doing?! We're playing hide-and-seek, God damn it!"
Now, granted, I know this is a damn good hiding spot
If Anne Frank would've hid under this damn minivan, she'd probably still be with us, now, wouldn't she?
But holy hell! If you've got to pee, go inside and pee!
I'm not your PeePal, we're not that far in our friendship for us to be pissing under vans together
I went inside to tell his mom
I'm like: "Hey, your son's peeing all willy-nilly underneath your minivan"
"He's doing what?!"
So since he had his weird pissing habits, we'd make sure to get him back when he'd fall asleep
And he was always the first one to fall asleep during sleep-overs
He was a really easy target
We'd do the old shaving cream trick
We put his hand in warm water, trying to make him piss himself
But of course that never worked, because he done pissed everywhere earlier that day
His tank was empty
He'd be passed out in the middle of the floor We'd hover our asses an inch away from his face
Let loose a bid ol' fart point-blank *farting sound*
He'd wake up the next morning, licking his lips and shit
Why does my upper lip taste like somebody's asshole?
There was one time he hid in Matt's closet, while he was sleeping
We burst into his room, screaming: "BEES, BEES, OH MY GOD THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!"
Matt wakes up completely delirious, he just starts screaming: "AAAAAAAAAAAAA"
He runs out the door right behind us
'Cause he will be damned if he's gonna get stung by a bunch of closet bees
Never mind the fact that bees in your closet is stupid as hell, doesn't make any sense
He's got to get out of there
Well, with all that tormenting, sometimes I would switch sides and help Matt out
You've got to root for the underdogs sometimes Even if he pisses all over everything, like a cocker spaniel
So one day Steven is taking a dump on the toilet
Unlike his brother he's familiar with how bathroom works
And Matt's over there with his giant stuffed animal
And he's like: "I'm gonna throw this at him while he's pooping on the toilet"
"Matthew, that is a fantastic idea!"
"He's totally vulnerable on the toilet right now. Now is the time to strike"
Little Matt kicks the bathroom door open like a SWAT team looking for narcotics
The look on Steven's face is priceless
But he's not sitting on the toilet, no
He's standing there in mid-wipe, bare ass and all
Talk about a side of Steven that we never wanted to see before
Nobody wants to be seen wiping their own ass
So Matt hurls this four-foot tall husky dog at him
And Steven's pants around his ankles, so it knocks him over the toilet
Meanwhile, I keel over on the ground, because this is the funniest goddman thing I've ever seen
Today was Matt's day
He was making a statement to the world that little brothers can be player one, God damn it!
To the hell with the Mad Catz controller!
Of course, that didn't last long
About five seconds later, Steven hobbles out there not even done wiping his ass yet
Just beats the hell out of Matt
But for one brief moment little Matt had won
He had humiliated his older brother by putting his asshole on display
And hitting him with a giant stuffed dog
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