So you picked your class Hold on to your ass
It's gonna get crass, cause RACE Part of the role you can play
Some sentient clay A he, she or they
A beast who gets real snarly A regular dude named Charlie
If homebrew's free, a big talking tree Welcome to A Crap Guide to D&D.
[jaunty theme tune accompanied by a beat]
Aarakocra - a big fuckin' bird You got some wings, so you can fly
And if non-weapon melee's preferred They get sharp talons to bitch-scratch a guy
Or maybe you're more of an Aasimar Still avian, if you lower the bar
Angelic people with radiant energy Or darkness, if you flap your wings edgily
Bugbears aren't actually bears at all More like beastly orcs, and just as tall
But oddly sneaky and your arms are long So you're really frickin' good at playing basketball
But if going full beast is a little too far You could always do half and decide to be a Centaur
Charging the enemy so they can readily get steadily Back up while you stomp on them deadily
For a sneaky bunch, Changeling's cool You make a disguise kit a worthless tool
You can change your face to whatever race There's nearly no limit who you can fool
Dragonborn - no, not the Skyrim kind Are likely the kid of a bard that'll find dragons really hot
So now you shoot acid Or whatever other colour your parent's preferred ass is
The typical Dwarf with a beautiful beard You work with your hands and are physically sturdy
You seem informed about rocks, which is weird Try not to obsess or the sesh'll get wordy
Elves are pompous pricks A dozen flavours to match and mix
They live a long time, don't sleep, instead trance And are hard to be charmed, so bards, keep it in your pants
Pick a Firbolg, a chill-ass cow Most of which have a druidic vow
And don't ask how, but they can turn invisible Which is a big concern
Genasi - elemental genie bastards One of four elements that they have mastered
In some way lets them do cool shit Like waterbend, or have a fire-breathing armpit
Githyanki and Githzerai Elves that look like they wanna die
All they're about is how they clash Been around 40 years and their lore's still trash
Shortstacks - gnome, happy short folk Who are smart and wise and cunning and know how to
Crack into good camouflage Be it sneaking or magic or cool rogueish montage
Wack is the goblin Small size, hits hard on your noggin
Their nimbleness makes it hard to keep pace They'll hide and bide, quick slide and hit your face
Muscles are in, though I have bias So the hottest IMO is Goliaths
They're 8 feet tall, have steel for their balls And can shrug off damage like one-man riots
Half-elves, the mutts and mules of D&D Extra points to spend on two abilities and skills up the ass
It's the best of both races And backstories usually come from stupid places
Half-orc - like I said, muscles are in You're a ruthless brute who fights to win
Your crits get crits and you can terrify And if you feel like it, you can say no when you die
If your luck is nasty, the Halfling's good You re-roll 1s and win like you should
And you're hard to scare, so go party with a dragon And you can slip through if it's angry off the flagon
Humans get a little bit of everything They lack gimmicks or special flair or any zing
And are all-around average, you know how it is And the perfect pick if you're boring.
Races, all the races
Races, all the races Races, all the races
There's plenty to choose from Too many, so come
Witness the list of this guide to all of the
Races, all the races
Hobgoblin - they trust in a code Be it god or communism or giant toad
They're a prideful chode, so whenever you fail The more watch you retry, means you go beast mode
If you're an edgy avian, Kenku's sneaky, agile And crafty and can easily lie
They can mimic voices to be a bit cheeky Too bad they get bullied, because they can't fly
The Kobold is a mischievous one They hate bright light and there's often more than one
They can trick dumb fools, then steal their jewels But ganging up together can be pretty fun
Guess it's scalie hours, cause Lizardfolk Have sticks up their ass and can't take a joke
They can bite and craft and stay a while underwater And have hard-ass scales to block cannon fodder
Loxodon are straight up elephants Their large size and thick hide make them dense
Got trunks to smell and are wise and mostly merry But piss one off and you'll see they're damn scary
Wanna breathe underwater? Locathah is a fish A straight up fish, literally, just a fish
Your armour starts high and get tons of resistance But stay dry and you die, you're still just a fish
Big beastly bull is the Minotaur Got horns to charge if you run pretty far
Make them shit their pants while you're at it Being big and scary is a habit
Speaking of, orcs - superstitious and strong But also often wrong with a -2 to INT
That's okay, so to say, you're aggressive and massive Got angry parents means they're rarely passive
Catgirls rejoice, Tabaxi is here Obsessed with stuff and quite the sightseer
Fast like a cat, get claws and climb far Tons of coats like leopard and tiger and jaguar
Tiefling's a demon with a lot of looks They're horny and hot and often a provoker
In the lore anyway, a lot of hate It's normal, I guess, when you're a panty soaker
If you wanna be a big reptilian Who's strong and hardy, then Tortle
Has a shell that's AC is a million So have fun being a hermit immortal
Triton is just an aquatic elf Who evolved itself in the continental shelf
And you're basically Aquaman, fish can understand you No, they won't do your laundry, just cause you demand to
The Verdin - like a goblin but pretentious Mind powers that make mystics contentious
Bunch of passive shit, what is this, peace hour? Come back and talk to me when you learn real power
Yuan-ti Pureblood - like humans but snakey Never make a date with one, I hear they're flaky
Manipulative bunch with magic resistance Don't take their oral offer, no matter their persistence
Spirit-human mix is the Kalashtar Got a lot of mind shit that's really bizarre
Like telepathy, dream protectively Like angels if they couldn't be effectively
The Shifter's like a half-lycanthrope With four different types with exclusive features
You can't transform, at least not fully So you'll often look more like a freakish creature
Simic Hybrids are a random fusion Of aquatic things like a squid or a crab
Gain bonuses depending which ones So have some big pincers for new ways to stab
Warforged - robots forged for war Don't have to eat or sleep or breath and what's more
Is you're tanky as well, being hard as steel The only downside is you'll never truly feel
Vedalken tells us nobody's perfect Look like Na'vi people without the long neck
They get lots of bonuses to smarts, not shocking Good luck ever getting one to stop talking
And that's the lot, and always remember Class-race importance is pretty seldom
Use whatever you fancy Make a chubby fighter dancing
Now you know how to pick your race. You're welcome.
Races, all the races
Races, all the races Races, all the races
There's plenty to choose from Too many, so come
Witness the list of this guide to all the
Races, all the races