Hello everyone and welcome to The Whirlpool, where fibs and fabrications are pulled under and drowned.
I’m Michael Whirly.
“Cultural appropriation” is a lot of hooey.
I don’t get it, I don’t care about it, and if you think it’s something I should
worry about, I think you should be destroyed.
For one thing, I don’t have to appropriate anyone else’s culture, because my culture
is the best one.
If I adopt an element of some other culture, for instance as part of a Halloween costume,
I’m not “appropriating” it – I’m mocking it.
I’m ridiculing it from a position of cultural, moral, and spiritual superiority.
I’m saying “my culture is the best, and your culture has no value except as an instrument
of my own amusement.”
And there’s nothing wrong with that.
It’s not just the people who complain about cultural appropriation that get my goat.
What about the indifference displayed by these same people when a lesser culture – like
American popular culture, for example – “appropriates” something that rightfully belongs to a superior
culture – like that of the One True Church?
I’m talking about St. Valentine.
This episode of “The Whirlpool” is being published the day after most of this depraved,
godless country celebrates St. Valentine’s Day, which would be one of the most egregious
acts of “cultural appropriation” in history, if I believed in “cultural appropriation.”
But I don’t believe in “cultural appropriation,” and I’m not offended by it.
What I am offended by is how popular culture has stolen the name and image of St. Valentine,
reduced it to a crude caricature of its original self, and exploited it for the purposes of
people who can’t even be bothered to learn who the man actually was and why anyone knows
his name in the first place.
It’s disgusting!
Is your faith too real for mainstream churches to handle?
Then come to Traditio-Con ‘19, the largest gathering of Traditionalist Catholics in northeastern
Pennsylvania of the year!
There’s no time to pray about it because tickets are going fast!
Purchase an all-access weekend pass and get free admission to Sunday night’s special
Feast of St. Patrick where we’ll burn an effigy of Pope Paul VI atop a pile of Vatican
II documents!
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March 15, 16, and 17 at the Farm Show Complex in Harrisburg!
– Just added for Saturday: Cardinal Noah Whirly!
Let me tell you who St. Valentine really was.
He was a priest living in Rome in the third century A.D.
In defiance of the order of the emperor, he performed marriage ceremonies so that husbands
would not be forced to go to war.
And those were good, Christian marriages: one man, one woman, just like God intended,
so don’t you sickos get any ideas.
Valentine was eventually arrested for performing Christian marriages, which was illegal because
Christians were being persecuted by the government back then – sound familiar?
While in prison, he attempted to convert the emperor to Christianity, and for that they
chopped off his head.
Sometimes I wish I could get special dispensation to chop off the heads of those Jehovah’s
Witnesses who are always showing up at my apartment to pester me.
Mindless creeps.
Don’t they see what a weird little cult they’re in?
But I digress.
Skip ahead a few centuries to the 14th century, when the church designated February 14 as
St. Valentine’s Day both to honor this great martyr of the faith, and to combat the popularity
of Lupercalia, a pagan fertility festival.
I don’t suppose I need to tell you how that one turned out.
I didn’t see too many stores selling Lupercalia cards these last few weeks, did you?
Mission accomplished, St. Valentine.
Of course, since the 14th century the story and feast day of St. Valentine have been co-opted
and corrupted into a celebration of lust and fornication.
But that is not what St. Valentine stood for.
He stood for proper, godly marriages, where the sexual act is performed only for the purpose
of procreation, and only in the standard position.
Our Heavenly Father commanded us to be fruitful and multiply, not to be horny and have multiple
orgasms.
No one who has or causes someone else to have multiple orgasms gets into heaven!
St. Valentine knew that.
He wasn’t one of you.
He was one of us.
So keep your sinful hands off of him.
And keep them off of each other, too, while you’re at it.
Heathens.
For The Whirlpool, I’m Michael Whirly.