-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. You made it.
Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for tuning in.
Well, guys, it seems like
there's so much going on right now.
The NFL Draft kicked off tonight in Las Vegas.
That's right.
Elon Musk is buying Twitter for $44 billion.
We got our first look at the sequel to "Avatar."
And Chipotle says that they want to start offering dessert.
There's a lot to go over.
[ Laughter ]
So let's just jump in and cover it all at once.
It's time for a "News Smash." Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
First up, the NFL Draft got under way tonight in Las Vegas.
The best college football players
are heading to the pros, where they're going to make
a lot of money, almost enough money to...
buy Twitter.
[ Laughter ]
Elon Musk is buying the company for $44 billion.
The whole thing came together really fast, unlike...
"Avatar 2."
It's been 13 years in the making.
And they're calling it "The Way of Water,"
which is also what you hear from the bathroom after eating...
Chipotle dessert.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Word of warning -- don't stand behind anyone
who eats it or you might feel a...
draft.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Hey, Tom Brady wasn't picked until the sixth round.
He waited longer to get drafted than we've waited for...
"Avatar 2."
Those "Avatar" characters have some unusual names,
like Neytiri, Mo'at, and...
Elon Musk. [ Laughter ]
He's taking a big risk with Twitter,
and he might regret it, kind of like eating...
Chipotle dessert.
If it's anything like the guac, it'll cost...
$44 billion.
So, in conclusion...
[ Cheers and applause ]
So, in conclusion...
welcome to the NFL...
welcome to a living hell...
finally here, what a shocker...
think ahead, call a doctor.
This has been a "News Smash."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hey, get this -- new satellite images
were just released that show Russia is using trained dolphins
to protect a key naval base in the Black Sea.
You can tell things are a little off
when the leader of your country is like,
"All right, enough's enough. Send in Flipper."
All right. [ Laughter ]
I'm wondering, is it possible
Russia thinks our Navy SEALs are actual seals?
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, defense dolphins are a good tactic
if your enemy hates adorable wet kisses.
[ Laughter ]
Some more strange news. Canada is trying
to change its laws so that it can prosecute Canadians
if they commit crimes on the Moon.
[ Laughter ]
Even the Space Force is like, "I know we're not the ones
to talk, but do we need this?" [ Laughter ]
Hey, listen to this -- yesterday, Pope Francis
told married people to be kind to their mothers-in-laws
because there are so many clichés that make fun of them.
Everyone heard and was like, "Yeah, easy for him to say."
[ Laughter ]
Even the Vatican choir was like,
"You ain't preaching to us on this one."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, the Pope's had it with mother-in-law jokes.
Then he was like, "Also, ease up on Spirit Airlines.
It sucks, we get it. All right, come on."
[ Laughter and applause ]
As I said earlier, the title of the long-awaited
"Avatar" sequel was released yesterday.
It is called "Avatar: The Way of Water."
Well, that wasn't the only name they considered.
Here's some other ones that they almost went with.
First there's "Avatar 2: Ever Wonder What It'd Look Like
if the Smurfs Went to Burning Man?"
[ Laughter ]
Next, there's "Avatar 2: This one's Just Two Hours
of a Blue Guy Connecting his Ponytail to a Bird."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, "Avatar 2: The First Movie
is Almost Old Enough to Buy Cigarettes Now."
[ Laughter and applause ] That's --
They were thinking -- I like the one they went with.
[ Applause ]
Hey, guys, I read that some "elite" Yelp reviewers,
who are trusted on the site, have been getting paid
to write good reviews for restaurants.
Wow. If I can't trust Bob S.,
who went to a Denny's in Illinois once, who can I trust?
[ Laughter ]
That's right. Yelp knew something was wrong
when a user described Arby's meatloaf as "tantalizing."
[ Laughter ]
"Tantalizing."
Well, as I mentioned, Chipotle recently said that it's
continuing to work hard to add dessert to its menu.
Yeah, that's what Chipotle needs --
more decisions for the person in line ahead of you, yeah.
"Do I want to try sprinkles? I don't know.
Can I try a sample of the Rocky Road?
I just never --" [ Laughter ]
"What does vanilla taste like?"
[ Laughter ]
"You don't know what vanilla --" "No."
"Well, then you shouldn't get ice cream.
Maybe go home, think about it."
This is fun. Apparently, they're building,
right here in our building, they're building
a "skylift" observation platform at the top of the Rock
here at Rockefeller Center.
Take a look at this thing.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
The city like you've never seen it before,
from exactly 20 feet higher up. Amazing.
[ Laughter ]
Can -- Can we see it again?
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Looks like the onion volcano at Benihana.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Why? Why?
Oh, guys, get this -- I heard about a woman in the U.K.
who went to some pretty extreme lengths to live with her cat.
Check this out.
-A London woman was tired of her landlord
telling her that she couldn't have pets in the building.
So you know what she did? She married her cat.
She says the marriage between her and 5-year-old India
is to let future landlords know the two are a package deal.
[ Laughter ]
-Meanwhile, the landlord was thinking, "You win?"
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, I'm not sure the cat is on board.
Can we see the cat again?
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Rimshot ]
[ Laughter and applause continues ]
That cat is saying, "What have I done with my nine lives?
Oh, my gosh."