[Disclaimer read by Mr. Satan]
[Please keep these captions clean for those who need them. Funny extras can be added to the English (Canada) subs. Thank you!]
PERFECT CELL: I'm making an *announcement*!
MR. SATAN: I'm gonna squash you...
MR. SATAN: I'm gonna squash you... like the bug.
MR. SATAN: I'm gonna squash you... like the bug. You.
MR. SATAN: I'm gonna squash you... like the bug. You. Are.
CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER: ...to decide it all.
PER. CELL: Are you filming up there?
CA: Join us as it all comes together...
AT THE
AT THE #
AT THE #CELL
AT THE #CELLGAMES
AT THE #CELLGAMES, ONLY ON ZTV!
With your boy, Jimmy Firecracker, reporting live on-site,
as the mighty Mister Satan takes on the sinister Cell,
in a no-holds-barred fight for the fate of the world!
Will it be humanity's last stand?! Or will the devil get his due?!
Find out this Sunday at the Cell Games!
Find out this Sunday at the Cell Games! Presented by HETAP.
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
[Dramatic Breath]
GOKU: ♫ Got my wristbands on and my boots are tied ♫
♫ Gonna grab my friends and fight a bug guy ♫
♫ Doo, doo-doo, today is Fightin' Day ♫
CHI-CHI: Goku!
GOKU: Hey, Chi-Chi! You comin' with?
CHI-CHI: What? No! I...
Ughh... look...
You've already died once.
I can take that.
I can make peace with that.
You're a fighter; and to be honest... it's why I fell in love with you.
But Gohan?
*Not* Gohan...
Not our baby boy.
GOKU: Chi-Chi, come on, don't be like that!
CHI-CHI: Goku...
GOKU: If Gohan dies, that means the world's doomed anyway - so, what will it matter?
OK, for the record, we know that I'm not great at this...
but you know what I'm *good* at?
CHI-CHI: Leaving?
GOKU: *Fighting*~!
{POP}
CHI-CHI: Agghhh...
OX-KING: Maybe I'll get lucky and Cell and him will just kill each-other.
CHI-CHI: *Daddy*!
OX-KING: Sweetie, I can only afford to support *two* Saiyan mouths, and you've got a bun in the oven.
{POP}
ALL OTHERS: Huh? GOKU: Hey, guys! Ha ha!
GOKU: Hey, guys! Ha ha!
Y'all ready for the... for-- for the... tournament...?
Wow, did someone die?
Oh gosh, where's Yamcha?!
KRILLIN: Nobody's dead!
PICCOLO: *Yet*.
GOKU: Then why are you all so glum, chums?
Come on! Today is Fightin' Day!
KRILLIN: Goku, last time I fought Cell, he basically Tambourine'd me.
PICCOLO: And he's gone through two transformations since we fought, so... still trying to come to terms on that one, really.
KRILLIN: Long story short: We're basically just going for moral support.
GOKU: Oh, I know. But I'm just so excited, guys! I finally get to *punch him*!
Right in his handsome face!
PICCOLO: *Why* do you keep calling him "handsome"?
GOKU: Because that jawline don't lie and neither do I!
Now let's go! I don't want nobody gettin' a swing at Cell before me!
KRILLIN: Ah, sure. Like anyone else would be *dumb* enough to show up...
JIMMY: Jimmy Firecracker here, live from the Cell Games, presented by HETAP!
Because apparently nobody else would take this job.
But don't worry about me. Because Jimmy Firecrack corn and he don't give a f**k!
He'll take any job!
He'll take any job! He'll take every job!
He'll take any job! He'll take every job! He'll take YOUR job!
And speaking of jobs...
nobody else is here yet.
Will Jimmy Firecracker have to get in that ring?
Does Jimmy Firecracker gotta come down there *and SLAP that perfect jawline*?!
It looks like Cell is saved the wrath of Jimmy Firecracker as his first opponent has arrived.
I'm receiving words that This. Is. Him, Folks!
I'm receiving words that This. Is. Him, Folks! The Man!
I'm receiving words that This. Is. Him, Folks! The Man! The Legend!
I'm receiving words that This. Is. Him, Folks! The Man! The Legend! The Winner Of The 24th World Martial Arts Tournament!
MISTERR
MISTERR SATANNNN!
PER. CELL: Maybe shouldn't have made this an open invite...
JIMMY: The Champ has stepped up into the ring!
Better update that TV-PG to TV-MA, 'cuz you're about to see a *full-blown-massacre*!
Wait, what's this?
The Champ is calling us down!
Come on, Larry! What do I always say?
LARRY: Where there's smoke, there's Firecracker, sir!
JIMMY [off-screen]: Yer
JIMMY [off-screen]: Yer god
JIMMY [off-screen]: Yer goddang
JIMMY [off-screen]: Yer goddang right!
Mr. Satan, sir!
What do you have to say to your adoring public?
MR. SATAN: First, to all the kids at home:
*Do not* recreate the violence you are about to see.
[Crowd cheers]
[Crowd cheers] Unless you buy the new *Mr. Satan Action Figure*!
[Crowd cheers] On sale now, in stores everywhere!
JIMMY: And why, Mr. Satan, have you come here today?
MR. SATAN: Well, aside from being sponsored by HETAP,
[Crowd cheers] MR. SATAN NEVER BACKS DOWN FROM A CHALLENGE!
[Crowd cheers]
[Crowd cheers] MR. SATAN: Not when it comes to evil!
MR. SATAN: Not when it comes to evil! Vile!
MR. SATAN: Not when it comes to evil! Vile! Wretched!
MR. SATAN: Not when it comes to evil! Vile! Wretched! Contemptible!
[Crowd cheers] MR. SATAN: Not when it comes to evil! Vile! Wretched! Contemptable! Wicked!
[Crowd cheers] MR. SATAN: Not when it comes to evil! Vile! Wretched! Contemptible! Wicked! Monstrous!
PER. CELL: *Definitely* shouldn't have made this an open invite...! MR. SATAN: Not when it comes to evil! Vile! Wretched! Contemptible! Wicked! Monstrous! Inhuman!
PER. CELL: *Definitely* shouldn't have made this an open invite...! MR. SATAN: Not when it comes to evil! Vile! Wretched! Contemptible! Wicked! Monstrous! Inhuman! Dishonorable!
MR. SATAN: Not when it comes to evil! Vile! Wretched! Contemptible! Wicked! Monstrous! Inhuman! Dishonorable! Nefarious...!
GOHAN: Oh, hey! It's Tenshinhan and Yamcha!
GOKU: Hiya, guys? How ya doin'?
TENSHINHAN: Just heading towards the arena.
Vegeta passed us earlier; flipped us off. So that was a good way to start the morning.
YAMCHA: Yeah, but we totally flipped him off back.
TENSHINHAN: *I* flipped him off back. You just waved and laughed nervously.
YAMCHA: Look, I don't have your mutually-sustained hate-boner for the guy, OK?
TENSHINHAN: I don't have a *hate-boner* for him.
YAMCHA: Dude, it's a pretty hateful boner.
MR. SATAN: ...Baneful!
MR. SATAN: ...Baneful! Iniquitous!
MR. SATAN: ...Baneful! Iniquitous! Execrable...!
MR. SATAN: ...Baneful! Iniquitous! Execrable...! *Villain*
MR. SATAN: ...Baneful! Iniquitous! Execrable...! *Villain like*
MR. SATAN: ...Baneful! Iniquitous! Execrable...! *Villain like you*!
[Crowd cheers]
Now...
what d'ya haf'ta say ta THAT?!
Oh, what's the matter? Satan gotch'er tongue?
PER. CELL: Are you sure about this?
MR. SATAN: Speak up, bug-boy!
PER. CELL: You look like an extra from a budget porno flick.
The kind where *everyone* gets tested afterwards. Even the cameramen.
MR. SATAN: Oh... um, you're--
PER. CELL: Did they find you in the subway?
Were you homeless?
Did you get your start in bum fights?
MR. SATAN: This is getting oddly personal...
PER. CELL: Do you have any actual friends?
Any relationships at all that aren't about your money or your position?
MR. SATAN: ...I have a daughter.
PER. CELL: Oh, that poor orphan.
MR. SATAN: C--can we can we cut to commercial?
JIMMY: Another man has just touched down at the arena!
Uh-uh-sir! Are you looking to take on the terrifying Perfect Cell?
VEGETA: Get that mic out of my face before I give you a colonoscopy with your camera.
JIMMY: Message received, violent stranger!
PER. CELL: Answer the question, Prince!
Do you plan to take me on?
Because I'm ready to throw down when you are, buddy!
Come on, let's toss you through a mountain or five for old times' sake.
...The old "silent treatment", is it?
Don't tell me you came all the way out here just to stand around and look mean~! (Chuckles)
PER. CELL: Ohhh~, I see! You took my advice~!
VEGETA: (Growling) PER. CELL: Ohhh~, I see! You took my advice~!
PER. CELL: Ohhh~, I see! You took my advice~!
You're waiting for...
ANDROID 16 [o-s]: Goku!
PER. CELL: Hm?
My dear Android 16!
How *wonderful* for you to join us today!
Are you here for--
16: Goku!
PER. CELL: Of course; your little murder-crush.
JIMMY: And another mysterious stranger has appeared from thin air!
Where do these people keep coming from?
And who does their hair?!
MR. SATAN: Obviously they're just hidin' behind rocks, waitin' to make their dramatic entrances,
and usin' cranes and wires to make it look like they're flyin'.
Similar to the practical effects we used in
[Crowd cheers] Skygina II: Mr. Satan vs. Dr. Brain-Man!
[Crowd cheers] In theatres Friday!
PER. CELL: Will you be participating in the Games as well, Sixteen?
Or are you just going to sit on the sidelines like the Prince over here?
Or are you just going to sit on the sidelines like the Prince over here? VEGETA: Hmmm!
16: GOKU!
PER. CELL: OK, are you seriously just gonna say his name over and over?
16: HE IS HERE!
PER. CELL: Hm?
And our roster is complete.
I hope this day finds you well, Son Goku.
GOKU: Slept a little weird on my arm, but, yeah.
PER. CELL: I see you've brought the whole gang along to witness our battle.
Piccolo,
Piccolo, Trunks...
Piccolo, Trunks...*Tenshinhan*.
TENSHINHAN: Ki-ko-how ya doing?
PER. CELL: *Perfect*.
And Yamcha! What a surprise! How's it going, man?
YAMCHA: Oh, uh, good...
I brought towels and water bottles.
PER. CELL: And like that, you've already contributed more than Vegeta.
16 [o-s]: Hello, little duckling.
KRILLIN: He-hey, Sixteen! Looks like they fixed up your dome real nice, huh buddy?
16: Indeed. I am now operating at 100% efficiency.
And for some reason, register 10 kilograms lighter.
KRILLIN: Good on ya, buddy! Ya look great!
GOKU: Oh, hi! I'm Son Goku! Who are you?
[♫ I Have Waited So Long ♫]
Huh?
16: ♫ I have waited oh so long ♫
♫ Please don't tell me baby ♫
♫ I was wrong ♫
♫ Dreaming of you every night ♫
♫ Holding back until the time was right ♫
♫ I've counted the days ♫
[Music cuts-off]
GOKU: ...This guy's *intense*.
MR. SATAN: Yeah, uh, I get paid for every second I'm on camera, so if we could just--
JIMMY: Excuse me, sir? Are you or any of your freakish-looking friends participating in the tournament today?
GOKU: Oh yeah! I'ma go punch that Cell a lot!
In fact, if you don't mind, I'ma gun go do that right now!
MR.SATAN: *OK, enough*!
MR.SATAN: *OK, enough*! JIMMY: Aah!
F**k!
MR. SATAN: I am not playing second-fiddle to a buncha gym rats with too much time on their hands!
*I* am the World Martial Arts Champion, and *I* will be the one to defeat Cell!
GOKU: (Gasp!)
There was a tournament?
You won a tournament?!
*I* WON A TOURNAMENT!
That means he's even stronger than Krillin!
KRILLIN: Wait, hold u-- uh, why me specifically?!
GOKU: Dang it, and I really wanted a turn!
Oh well. I guess we'll just have to let *The Champ* handle it.
PICCOLO: Are you for real right now?
GOKU: Yeah - he's The Champ! He's got this.
PICCOLO: I can't tell if he's serious - and that's very concerning.
MR. SATAN: Good! Now that we have rank all sorted out,
I think it's about time I teach Cell where he falls:
Specifically at my feet!
When I, Mr. Satan, end this little freak-show, once and for--
PIIZA [through speakers]: Hope y'all ready to get down and dirty with the three hottest stars from the Y Network!
PIIZA [through speakers]: (Y'all ready?)
JIMMY: What's this? New challengers from the bitter rivals of ZTV?!
MR. SATAN: Like we don't got enough knuckleheads hoggin' mah spotlight!
PIIZA [ts]: Coming to you live from the Cell Games Arena, it's Piiza!
PIROSHIKI [ts]: Piroshiki!
CARONI [ts]: And Caroni!
And we are--
JIMMY: ...Di--
...Did those people just die??
MR. SATAN: Pfft! Don't be an idiot, Jimmy.
Obviously that was just an unmanned remote-controlled cargo robot with a voice-recordi--
...and filled with fake cadavers for added effect!
I'll give 'em points for effort, tho.
JIMMY: Mr. Satan ain't no one's fool!
GOKU: Go Champ!
MR. SATAN: Grrrrrh!
KRILLIN: If we're lucky, it'll be that quick with this Satan guy, uh?
GOHAN: Krillin, people are dying and we're just watching.
KRILLIN: Yup!
MR. SATAN: Now, Cell... if that is your real name...
PER. CELL: It's actually *Perfect* Cell--
MR. SATAN: IT'S ACTUALLY "GARBAGE"!
And Mr. Satan's gonna take out the trash.
PER. CELL: Wait, you were serious?! You're actually gonna *fight*?
I thought you were just somebody's hype man.
MR. SATAN: I AM THE HYPE!
VEGETA: KILL HIM!
MR. SATAN: Now try to get this on camera, Gary!
LARRY [o-s]: L-- Larry.
MR. SATAN: 'Cus I'm gonna end this in a single blow, and it's gonna be
*faster than light*!
SATAN...
SATAN... PUUUU--!
{BWOOOSH} {Splat}
{Spllllsh}
{Splllsh}
{Krpsh}
BYSTANDER: ...WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!
[DBZ intermission (post-commercial)]
[♫ I Have Waited So Long ♫]
[Fade-out] [♫ I Have Waited So Long ♫]
16: Hello my name is Sixteen may I please kill you?
GOKU: [To Krillin] Hold on. [To 16] What'cha say?
16: ...Nothing.
(Humming)
Hey folks! KaiserNeko here!
Make sure to check out our gaming channel as well as our post-release stream at 6PM Central at twitch.tv/streamfourstar. Link in the description.
Also, make sure to check out all the "Cell Vs" videos leading up to this episode,
plus our two new shirts at sharkrobot.com: "All Hail Princess Trunks" and Satan's "I Am The Hype."
Link in the description and I'll see you next episode!