FOLKS, YOU KNOW, THERE'S SO MUCH GARBAGE IN THE NEWS THAT
SOMETIMES IT OVERFLOWS THE CAN AND IS CONSUMED BY THE
TRASH-EATING RACCOON SEGMENT OF MY SHOW, WHICH I CALL
"MEANWHILE."
MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
>> Jon: LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT.
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE YESTERDAY WHEN
NETFLIX POSTED THAT THE SHOW "FRIENDS" WOULD BE AVAILABLE TO
STREAM ONLY UNTIL JANUARY 1, 2019, CAUSING FANS TO PANIC.
WELL, OF COURSE WE'RE PANICKED!
WE'VE LOST ALL OUR REAL FRIENDS BECAUSE WE'RE ALWAYS INSIDE
WATCHING "FRIENDS" ON NETFLIX!
( LAUGHTER )
NETFLIX SUBSCRIBERS WILL ONLY HAVE ONLY "700 NEW ORIGINAL
SERIES TO WATCH."
THESE PEOPLE ARE RELENTLESS!
IT'S THE ONLY STREAMING SERVICE WHERE YOU NEED A PASSWORD AND A
SAFE WORD.
MINE ARE BOTH "PUMPKIN PATCH."
BUT THE PANIC WAS ALL FOR NAUGHT, BECAUSE LATE YESTERDAY,
IT WAS REPORTED THAT "'FRIENDS' MAY NOT BE LEAVING NETFLIX."
WILL THEY OR WONT THEY?
THIS IS THE ROSS AND RACHEL OF ME FINDING OUT WHAT
HAPPENS TO ROSS AND RACHEL.
( APPLAUSE )
SO YOUNG!
MEANWHILE, IT'S JUST BEEN ANNOUNCED THAT THE WEBSITE
TUMBLR WILL BE BANNING PORN STARTING ON DECEMBER 17.
AND IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT TUMBLR IS, YOU HAVE UNTIL
DECEMBER 17 TO FIND OUT.
BANNED CONTENT INCLUDES PHOTOS, VIDEOS, AND GIFS OF
HUMAN GENITALIA, WHICH I THINK MEANS THAT MEMES OF HUMAN
GENITALIA ARE STILL OKAY.
WHICH IS GREAT.
IT WOULD BE A SHAME TO LOSE THE CLASSIC: ERMAHGERD!
IT'S A VERGERNA!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I MEAN, THAT IS SERIOUSLY BLURRED.
THAT IS SERIOUSLY BLURRED.
MEANWHILE, IN ARIZONA, A MAN-- WHO IS ALIVE-- HAS BEEN
HOSPITALIZED AFTER SHOOTING HIMSELF IN THE GROIN INSIDE A
WALMART.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A PICTURE OF ONE OF THE WITNESSES.
( LAUGHTER )
A SEMIAUTOMATIC HANDGUN IN HIS WAISTBAND, AND IT DISCHARGED AS
HE ATTEMPTED TO REPOSITION IT.
DID NO ONE EVER TEACH YOU NOT TO ADJUST YOURSELF IN PUBLIC?
ALSO, NOT TO SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE JUNK DRAWER?
( LAUGHTER )
WALMART, THE MAN WAS FOUND IN THE STORE'S MEAT SECTION.
( LAUGHTER )
SUCCESS.
IN SOME SAY THIS IS FURTHER PROOF
OF OUR ALL TOO LAX GUN LAWS, BUT THE N.R.A. HAS RELEASED A
STATEMENT: "GUNS DON'T SHOOT PEOPLE IN THE PENIS.
PENISES SHOOT PENISES IN THE PENIS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, AN AMERICAN INSTITUTION IS UNDER
ATTACK-- VOTING.
BUT ALSO FRENCH FRIES! BECAUSE A HARVARD PROFESSOR IS NOW
SUGGESTING A HEALTHY PORTION OF FRIES CONTAINS ONLY SIX.
SIX?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
IN MOST RESTAURANTS, THE AVERAGE SERVING SIZE IS
"HAYSTACK."
( LAUGHTER )
NEW LIMIT, McDONALD'S WILL JUST INTRODUCE "NEW EXTRA LONGS!"
PLUS-- I'M TELLING YOU-- I'M TELLING YOU, HARVARD, IF YOU
LIMIT MY FRIES, I'M JUST GOING TO START BINGING ON MY
SECOND-FAVORITE POTATO-BASED FOOD-- VODKA.
YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO US!
NO ONE CAN RESIST THE CRUNCHY, GOLDEN, TOASTY SIREN SONG OF
FRENCH FRIES!
THIS IS THE POWER OF FRIES RIGHT HERE.
LOOK AT THIS POOCH, CLEARLY FACING GREAT EXISTENTIAL PAIN AS
HE YEARNS FOR FRIES.
BUT HIS MASTER IS THERE.
HE'S LOOKING-- HE'S CHECKING-- OH, MY GOD, SHE'S LEAVING!
OH, MY GOD, SHE'S GONE.
♪ IF LOVING YOU IS WRONG I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT ♪
( APPLAUSE )
MORE TIMES!
MEANWHILE, JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS, "DYSON NOW MAKES
KID-SIZED TOY VACUUMS THAT WORK."
WAIT A SECOND!
YOU MEAN THIS WHOLE TIME MY NIECE HAS BEEN FAKING IT?
I WANT THAT GOGURT BACK, EMILY!
THE IDEA HERE WAS TO MAKE A TOY THAT "ACTUALLY CLEANS AS YOUR
KIDS PLAY."
SO, I LOOK FORWARD TO OTHER GIFTS THAT SCAM YOUR KIDS INTO
DOING THINGS ADULTS DON'T WANT TO, LIKE "HASBRO'S MY FIRST
GUTTER CLEANING JAMBOREE."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.