[Music]
here's you here's the college you're
going to and here are the six monsters
you'll have four roommates
well not literal monsters but you'll see
he's a perfect model of efficiency
helpful friendly even he doesn't really
understand you're more human
imperfections his programming is rigid
and well-defined violated at your own
risk
watch his head will explode any second
now what do you want me to do yeah it's
a dirty blade so that wasn't his head
there's no firm evidence this roommate
exists hello does he spend all his time
with his girlfriend at home things move
around mysteriously while you're not
looking is he dead
if so do you get a free pass this
semester or something
[Music]
you think he might be trying to
communicate with you but you'll never
know for sure
[Applause]
looking like an ad for hair gel doesn't
automatically make him a monster but
you've noticed things he stays up all
night can't stand the sunlight and
brings from a different victim every
night and you're not saying he sucks
their blood for sustenance hey oh my god
not seriously but you've never seen him
eat anything weird
he must have supernatural powers
otherwise how the is he getting
laid more than you so you're from
wherever he's from he has a poor judge
of social norms strange habits and this
thing if it's a bong you want to hide
out if it's a dildo you don't want to
touch it and if it's neither you like
any story about aliens your friends will
never believe where you going
the first thing you notice is the smell
so what died in here he doesn't seem to
notice it
hey my parents are coming today and he
just shambles around leaving little
pieces of himself wherever he goes and
not to force the metaphor here but he
does seem to want your brains Jesus get
your own chem lab man you have to get
your own place finally that holy
treasure a single a bachelor pad may a
bachelor Kingdom all to yourself
maybe you'll have a three-way or a
four-way or just stay in bed all day and
eat cake and hot wings what was that
probably nothing just a burglar demon
Freddy Kreuger cuts through a little
maybe you'll give the vampire
call