CLOUD: [narrating]
???: For countless millennia, I have slumbered beneath the Mako-rich peaks and crags of Mt. Nibel,
waiting for the time when I would emerge and unleash a wave of destruction
the likes of which this planet has never seen!
Tremble in fear...
Tremble in fear... for I...
Tremble in fear... for I... AM THE MATERIA KEEPER!!
CLOUD: Okay, sorry we don't got time for this. Kind of on a hunt, you know?
MATERIA KEEPER: You dare interrupt--!?
CLOUD: Hey, new guy! VINCENT: (snoring) Hmm?
CLOUD: Why don't you show us what you can do and take this creep out?
MATERIA KEEPER: HA! You think a mere mortal--?
WEREWOLF VINCENT: [SNARLING] MATERIA KEEPER: WHAT THE F**K!?!
[Materia Keeper screaming in agony, Werewolf Vincent growling and biting]
RED: Hey.
RED: Hey. Eat around here often?
♪ Intro Theme ♪
VINCENT: ...and then I turned into a werewolf. YUFFIE: That's hot.
BARRET: Can we go back to the part where you ate a giant f**king bug monster!?
RED: That's hot. TIFA: Are you always thinking about food or sex?
RED: I am in a constant state of "horngry".
CLOUD: Well, the only thing I'm "horngry" for is revenge on Sephiroth.
TIFA: That's hot.
TIFA: That's hot... Imeanwhat?
CAIT SITH: Speaking of Sephiroth, remind me which way he's going?
Oh, and could you say it into this microphone, in case I forget again?
CLOUD: Ahh, Cait Sith, I *knew* I could trust you to think ahead.
CAITH SITH: Of course! You can always trust me.
TIFA[o-s]: SO LYING! CLOUD: Sephiroth told me he was heading north past Mt. Nibel,
and that if we want to know more, we need to follow him.
TIFA: But why would he tell you that? [microphone crashing in background]
And are we really just going to believe a mass murderer?
MOG: Wouldn't be the first time.
TIFA: Besides, we've got Red's nose to track him.
RED: Unflatulately, Septrimoth's malicious musk is being overpowered by the smell of...
(Sniff sniff)
Smoke?
TIFA: (sniff) Yeah, I smell it too.
YUFFIE: Maybe Sephiroth set another town on fire. TIFA: Yuffie! Don't say stuff like that.
YUFFIE: Hey man, just saying. Burning towns? Kiiind of his calling card.
TIFA: Yuffie! Quit acting like a dumb kid!
AERITH: Look, there's smoke coming from that town! YUFFIE: Told ya.
You guys stay here. I'm gonna use SOLDIER stealth and find out what's happening.
OLD MAN: Hello there, young man. CLOUD: Damn, I've been spotted!
CLOUD: Ahh well, at least your town's safe. Looks like it's only that giant rocket that's on fire.
OLD MAN: That's not fire. That's secondhand smoke coming from the captain.
CLOUD: All that smoke is coming from one guy? How is that even possible?
OLD MAN: Son, we're a town full of rocket scientists and even we don't know.
CLOUD: Doesn't he know smoking is BAD for you? Maybe I should go up there and tell him myself.
???: WHO THE F**K ARE YOU AND WHATTAYA WANT!?! CLOUD: I think this was a bad idea.
???: Naw boy. A bad idea's pissing your wife off so bad, she turns your ass into an Oglop.
Happened to my great-granddaddy Cid IX. So why the f**k are you bothering me?
[cough]
[cough, cough]
[cough, cough, cough]
[cough, cough, cough, hack]
CID: Hey, you look familiar. Have I seen your ass from somewhere?
CLOUD: Me? Oh, no, I'm just your average, blond, spiky-haired dude
carrying around a giant sword that used to be in SOLDIER before my buddy Rufus took over.
CID: Saint Dragoon on a cracker! You're friends with Rufus Shinra!?
CLOUD: Weeeee've...
CLOUD: Weeeee've... FLASHBACK CLOUD: AAAAHHHH!!!
CLOUD: Weeeee've done business with each other.
CID: Hey, did you see that guy who was f**king up the march in his parade? (laughing)
CID: (continues laughing) CLOUD: Yeeeeah, he was real funny, but y'know...
CID: (continues laughing) CLOUD: ...I'm sure he was doing his best, right?
CID: Ah-hahah!
CID: Ah-hahah! Aha...
CID: Ah-hahah! Aha... Ahhhh...
CID: Ah-hahah! Aha... Ahhhh... Yeah, you're right. (sigh)
I bet it was that boy's dream to be out there and make himself look like a f**king idiot in front of millions.
CLOUD: I doubt that was his intention.
CID: Mind if I ask you a personal question, boy?
You ever have a dream before?
CLOUD: Well, there was this one time...
CLOUD: I LOOK SO COOOOOOL!!!
CLOUD: ...and then I fought a gorilla with a tie. I don't think anyone saw that coming.
CID: I ain't talkin' 'bout *sleepin'* dreams that can never ever happen, ya IDJIT!!
I'm talkin' about *goals*, *aspirations*, somethin' to work towards, boy!
CLOUD: Well, becoming a First-Class SOLDIER was a dream come true.
CID: Well, alright boy!
CLOUD: And then I got to work alongside my hero. CID: That's awesome!
CLOUD: And then he destroyed my village.
CID: F**K that guy! Never meet your heroes, boy, because heroes are people, and people are shit.
As for me...
As for me... I used to have a dream,
As for me... I used to have a dream, to be the first man in space.
CLOUD: And judging by your cheery attitude, that didn't happen, right?
CID: Nah, it didn't. But I got a second chance.
See, your buddy Rufus is coming by to have a little chat and... y'know,
I'd be mighty grateful if you came by and helped... give ol' Cid a good word.
You think you could do that for me?
CLOUD [sarcastic]: Help a complete stranger with absolutely nothing in it for me?
CLOUD [sarcastic]: How could I say no? CID [sincere]: That's f**king perfect!
You could come over in a bit and I'll tell Shera to make some more of her famous
You could come over in a bit and I'll tell Shera to make some more of her famous GOD
You could come over in a bit and I'll tell Shera to make some more of her famous GODDAMN
You could come over in a bit and I'll tell Shera to make some more of her famous GODDAMN tea.
Just don't go in the basement. Listen boy,
CID: I know you're only 16 years old... CLOUD: I'm 21, dude.
CID: But let me give your 12-year-old brain some life advice:
There's gonna be people in your life that'll tell you that your dreams are unattainable.
That you should just wear a tie, sit your ass behind a desk, and tell the world "I give up".
But you don't give up.
You get out of your seat, burn that tie, walk up to those people who told you your dream's dead,
And you tell them to f**k off.
We need Cid. On our team.
We need Cid. On our team. Right!
CLOUD: We need Cid. On our team. Right! Now!
TIFA: And Cid is..?
CLOUD: Only the greatest man ever! Oh Tifa, you would love him. He swears ALL THE TIME.
CAIT SITH: Wait, Cid!? Cid Highwind!? The foul-mouthed pilot with a heart of gold!?
TIFA: Cait Sith, how do you know who he is?
Plus he invited us over for some tea, and guess who else will be there?
Plus he invited us over for some tea, and guess who else will be there? Rufus Shinra.
BARRET: Oooh, well, I hope Rufus brings the tea bags.
[cocks gun-arm] ...because I'm bringing the body bags.
VINCENT: I love sleepovers.
CAIT SITH: Why is it that when Rufus Shinra is mentioned, your first instinct is to kill him?
BARRET: We got the idea from an eight-year-old. TIFA: Oh what, you got a better plan, Cait?
CAIT SITH: We spike his tea,
We spike his tea, tie him up,
We spike his tea, tie him up, take him to a secret hideout,
We spike his tea, tie him up, take him to a secret hideout, torture him 'till he gives us what we want,
We spike his tea, tie him up, take him to a secret hideout, torture him 'till he gives us what we want, aaand if we want to make a quick buck,
We spike his tea, tie him up, take him to a secret hideout, torture him 'till he gives us what we want, aaand if we want to make a quick buck, we send out a ransom notice.
CLOUD: Alright, then, it's settled. We go with Cait's plan.
Tifa, you should come with us and meet Cid. I think you'd like his style.
CID: SHERA, YOU WOMAN I HATE WHO LIVES IN MY HOUSE,
WHERE'S THAT
WHERE'S THAT GOD
WHERE'S THAT GODDAMN
WHERE'S THAT GODDAMN TEA I YELLED AT YOU TO MAKE HOURS AGO!?!
TIFA: *deadpan* You've got a real catch there, huh?
SHERA: Oh, I'm sorry, Cid. I was busy cleaning the basement.
Also, could you clean up your cigarette butts in the backyard?
CID: I'M GOING TO SMOKE MY CIGARETTES OUTSIDE IN THE BACKYARD BEFORE RUFUS SHOWS UP!!!
MOG: Enjoy the slow crawl towards death.
CID: With every drag.
CLOUD: *gushing* See how cool he is, Tifa?
TIFA: The only thing I can see is that you're bad at picking your role models.
Shera, why do you let him walk all over you like that?
SHERA: Oh, I don't mind it. Besides,
I made him like this.
Ever since I destroyed his dream.
(Shera narrating)
CID: Shera, what the f**k is taking so long?
SHERA: I'm sorry, Cid. I finished my assessment on oxygen tank No. 7
but No. 8 uses the siphoning system that I don't think a lot of people enjoy.
CID: Well, hurry your ass up. This ain't rocket science.
(Shera narrating)
MISSION CONTROL: Hello Cid, this is Shinra Mission Control.
We'll be blasting you off into space real soon. Just, uh, double-checking some stuff.
*away from mic* Are you sure there's no oxygen in space?
[background clamoring]
BACKGROUND SCIENTIST: NONE!!!
MC: Yeah, we're getting conflicting reports here.
So, just in case, once you breach Earth's atmosphere, take some deep breaths, and uh, we'll just wing it.
T-minus three minutes.
BACKGROUND SCIENTIST: HE NEEDS A SUIT!!!
CID: Finally, my dream's coming true.
[alarm going off] What the f**k!?
MC: Hey, Cid, Mission Control again. Prooobably not a big deal, buuuuut...
There's someone directly in the path of the rocket's engines, which will soon reach temperatures
of a couple thousand degrees, resulting in serious skin irritation
of a couple thousand degrees, resulting in serious skin irritation aaaaaand
of a couple thousand degrees, resulting in serious skin irritation aaaaaaand death.
CID: WHAT!?! Put me on the f**king intercom! [beep]
Hey you f**king numbskull!!
SHERA: Hey Cid.
CID: SHERA!?!
The hell are you still doing down there!?
SHERA: I'm still working on the oxygen tank. No. 8's also got this strange junction system.
CID: Shera, you didn't have to worry about the oxygen tanks.
SHERA: But what if there isn't any oxygen in space?
CID: WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK THE ALIENS BREATHE!?!
SHERA: It's alright, Cid. At least your dream will come true.
What's one person's life compared to another's dream, right?
CID: NOW'S NOT THE TIME FOR YOUR PHILOSOPHICAL BULLSHIT, SHERA!!!
MISSION CONTROL, WHAT DO I DO!?!
MC: [smoking]
MC: I gotta tell you, Cid, these are the kinds of complex moral issues that a man can wrestle with his entire life.
You got 10 seconds.
CID: SHIT!!! [MC counts down]
*grumbling frantically* [MC counts down]
*grumbling frantically* Shera...the moon... outer space...my dre-eams... [MC counts down]
F******K!
*Thrusters firing*
*Thrusters sputtering out*
*Thud*
SCIENTIST: I think we can still use it!
[creaking]
Never miiind.
SHERA: After the launch failed, the space program went under new management.
Changing the name from "Space Exploration" to
"Space Ackisition and All the Cool Space Stuff".
CAIT SITH: Which I'm sure we can all agree was a HUUUGE waste of taxpayers' gil.
TIFA: Look, Shera, I know you feel responsible for destroying Cid's dream,
but that doesn't give him the right to treat you like a doormat.
SHERA: I know on the outside our relationship looks pretty dysfunctional,
but behind closed doors, we make it work.
[Loud whip crack] CID: OH F**K!!!
Shera: *aggressively* You like that, don't you?
[whip cracking, Cid yelps]
CID: You beautiful science bitch who ruined my dreams, you know I f**king do!
SHERA: *seductively* Yeeeah, I ruined your dreams, didn't I?
[whip crack]
CID: OW! You diiid! *sobbing*
CID: OW! You diiid! *sobbing* SHERA: That's right. Let it aaall out.
SHERA: Want me to get the flogger?
SHERA: Want me to get the flogger? CID: F**K YEAH!
CID: Shera, where the hell's that
CID: Shera, where the hell's that GOD
CID: Shera, where the hell's that GODDAMN
CID: Shera, where the hell's that GODDAMN TEA!?!
*aggressively* Do I have to make you take me to the basement again?
SHERA: (giggling) Cid, we have guests.
CAIT SITH: So, uh, Cid, do you know when Rufus is supposed to, you know, show up?
CID: That f**king daddy's boy was supposed to be here hours ago.
Told me he was bringing some idiot Shinra exec with him.
CAIT SITH: Could you be a little more specific?
PALMER: Mission control, The Palmer has landed!
CID: Palmer!? How the hell did your fat ass get in here so quick!?
Where the f**k is Rufus?
PALMER: Oh, well if you want to talk to Rufus, he's right outside.
CID: FINALLY!!! At last, my dream's coming true!
RUFUS: Your dream is not coming true.
CID: What the f**k are you talking about!? You said you were coming over to talk!
RUFUS: Yes. To talk about taking the Tiny Bronco to follow Sephiroth to the Temple of the Ancients.
CID: I don't give a f**k about some numb nuts named Sephiroth!
I've waited four
I've waited four GOD
I've waited four GODDAMN
I've waited four GODDAMN years to go to space!
RUFUS: Ho-ho, Cid, ol' boy!
Did you really think I would first take a boat, then a helicopter, then a submarine, then a subway,
then a segway to come here and restart a failed program?
*chuckles* That would just be a waste of gil.
CID: So that's it then.
My dream's dead?
RUFUS: Oh no, no, no, no, NO! Not dead!
Just unrealistic.
But don't worry. Shinra would love to hire someone like you.
We'll get you a nice little office job, complete with a desk and all the ties you could ask for.
(chuckles)
CID: I see.
CID: I see. Well, with all due respect, Mr. Shinra...
You can just f**k off!
CLOUD: *fanboy mode* So cooool!
SHERA: Palmer's taking the Tiny Bronco.
PALMER: *monologuing* They all said that I was mad, but after today, they'll all see that I...
Palmer Q. Shinra are has the most biggest, scientifical mind of all the time!!
(evil laugh)
CLOUD: You know we can hear you, right?
PALMER: AH! I've been got!
CAIT SITH: All right, Palmer, what scheme you gonna waste your allowance on this time?
PALMER: I'm glad you asked, talking cat person who I don't know.
I am going to take this flying doohickamabob up into space.
And take a picture to prove that the planet
IS FFFLAT!!!
(ಠ_ಠ)
TIFA: You're a f**king idiot.
CAIT SITH: THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING!!!
PALMER: (laughing) I'm taking this to the moon,
and you can't stop me--- (incoming truck horn)
I'm okay!
(flesh slicing)
RED: Is anyone gonna eat that?
CLOUD: Come on, Cait! We're taking this baby to find Sephiroth!
TIFA: Get on, or we're leaving without you!
CAIT SITH: Ugh, why do I feel like this will come back to haunt me?
MOG: Wouldn't be the first action that's haunted you.
CAIT SITH: (sigh) I hate how you're always right.
CLOUD: Hey Tifa, I just remembered something.
TIFA: What's that?
CLOUD: I'M AFRAID OF HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIGHTS!!!
CID: WHAT THE F**K!?!
[gunfire]
CID: GET! OFF! MY! PLANE!!!
CLOUD: Don't worry, we're almost home free!
Ah, f**k.
[crashes into water]
Well...
Well...at least we're alive.
CID: Wish I could say the same about this engine and my dream.
They're completely f**king dead.
CLOUD: No, no. Cid. You can't give up on your dream.
I remember what you told me. That if anyone tells you that your desk is the first person in space---
TIFA: I think what Cloud is fumbling to say, is that you just got to keep trying. Dreams don't have expiration dates.
MOG: Life does.
TIFA: You know what our dream is? To find Sephiroth, and KICK HIS ASS for destroying our town.
CLOUD: And I'm sure we'll keep bumping into Shinra along the way, so...
What do you say? Want to join us?
CID: (sigh)
F**k it! I ain't got nothing better to do.
CLOUD: Alright! Welcome aboard, captain.
CAIT SITH: Well, it's good that you're all happy, but I'd just like to bring up one tiny issue:
How are we gonna find Sephiroth when we're stranded...
*skyward*...IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!!??!!
RED: I think I dropped my snack.
♪♪ Outro Theme ♪♪