- Now, if there's one thing I've learned living in America,
there's only one way to stop a bad guy with a gun.
And for that, Jordan Klepper filed this report.
(dramatic music)
- [Jordan] It seems like every day,
there's a new mass shooting,
but turn on the TV and the solution is crystal clear.
- We should arm the good guys.
- Whether it's in Denny's or in a classroom.
- The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun.
- Is a good guy with a good.
- Good guy with a gun.
- One good guy with a gun.
- Is a good guy with a gun.
- Sounds like a foolproof plan.
It's time to do my duty.
It's time to become Jordan Klepper: Good Guy with a Gun.
(Jordan chuckles)
The first thing any good guy with a gun needs
is his concealed handgun license,
which in Obama's New York City is almost impossible to get.
Luckily, it's super easy in Florida.
You don't even have to (beep) live there.
You can just mail in an application.
And once that gets approved,
it instantly becomes valid in these 30 states.
So, all I have to do to qualify for my handgun license
is buy a stamp and pass any NRA gun safety course.
Buckle up, buttercup, Daddy's packing.
I've come to the New Jersey Firearms Academy
to train with chief instructor
and cowboy CeeLo Green impersonator, Lateif Dickerson.
Chief, what do we have here?
- We have some handguns.
The H&K, Heckler & Koch model USP.
This gun here's a GLOCK model 19.
- Which one does this good guy get?
- You get this one.
- [Jordan] Seriously, this mustard-colored toy?
- It's not a toy.
That is a plastic training gun
and we're going to keep it pointing in the same direction
as though it were a real firearm.
- Oh, am I gonna hit somebody
with the bubbles that it blows out?
- It's called muzzle discipline.
Having discipline to where that muzzle is pointing
at all times.
- All right, I'll have that muzzle discipline.
- Great.
- I just want you to know, I don't obey any rules.
I'm kind of a wild card.
- You have to obey all the rules when it comes to firearms.
- Right, I get that, I will.
But who knows, you know?
If there's a wildcard in there, anything can happen.
- It can't happen.
- It won't happen here,
but I'm just kinda one of those guys.
I'm a rule breaker.
- Don't break any rules.
- I won't break any of these rules.
No, not these rules.
- Because someone can die or you can become incarcerated.
- Teach me how to shoot a gun.
Chief broke down all the key points of firearms safety,
like aiming.
- Contact on the grip, wrap those around.
And that's how you aim.
- Suck on this metal.
- And not like that.
- What, what am I--
- Keep the gun just like that.
- Can't talk with a gun in your mouth.
- No. - What?
- Do not turn the gun sideways.
Keep the gun vertical up and down.
- Okay, if I hold it like this, can I still say,
"Suck on this piece"?
- No, good guys don't tell bad guys to suck on their piece
before they shoot them.
- But they do.
Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
Then I was ambushed by a grueling written exam.
It was three entire pages, double-sided, multiple choice.
(gun clicking)
Stop fiddling with it, you'll break it off.
That's what my mom used to say.
The test contained brain-busters,
like true or false?
always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction.
- That's actually a question.
- That one's pretty much a no-brainer.
It's true.
Right, it's true? - Yeah.
- Yeah, yep.
It was tough, but luckily, I had a few bullets up my sleeve.
Of course.
(jazz music)
You a Cher fan, Chief?
- I do not like Cher.
- More for me.
Now, there's only one thing standing between me, Cher,
and saving American lives:
firing an actual for real life handgun.
Turns out I'm a (beep) natural.
(gun firing)
Boom.
(hands clapping)
- All right.
Well, let's see how you did. - Bring it in.
I was trying to hit him in the dick,
but you didn't give me one of the crotch ones.
- In this basic firearms course,
we just wanna keep our shots on the center of the target.
- Yeah, but you could make the target bigger
so the crotch is in the center.
The head, and then the shoulders, and the arms.
Then it comes here,
and then right here is just total crotch.
- Right now, we're just trying to keep our shots
in the center of the target.
- So.
- Okay.
- How'd I do?
- You're good to go, you passed.
- And then I come back tomorrow
and we continue the training?
- If you wanna train some more, but this is, this is good.
- This is it?
- You're a good guy with a gun.
- That's me?
- [Lateif] There you go.
- (laughs) I knew it!
I knew it!
I'd done it.
I'd gone from gun idiot to idiot with a gun,
qualified to conceal a deadly weapon in most of the country.
Probably in your home state.
With all of eight hours of training,
I was ready to handle every crisis situation.
- You're not ready to handle every crisis situation.
- Who the (beep) are you?
- I'm Pete Blair.
I'm the director of the ALERT Program.
- ALERT, or the Advanced Law Enforcement
Rapid Response Training Program,
has trained over 80,000 cops
to respond to active shooter events.
So why was this dude trying to jam up on my gun nuts?
- Because you've had one day of training.
- I see how it is.
You wanna take away our guns.
- I wouldn't wanna take away anybody's gun.
- Good.
- But I would wanna help train them.
- Okay, I'll tell you.
30 states, the NRA, and Uncle Sam all think
that I'm good to go when it comes to guns.
- How many rounds did you shoot?
- Is rounds bullets?
- Yes.
- A ton.
- 10, 20, 50?
- Yeah, and I shot them at the paper.
- I would recommend more training.
- Come at me, bro.
(dramatic music)
- This is your weapon.
Again, I'm handing it to you as a hot weapon.
- [Jordan] Okay.
ALERT agreed to test my Eastwood-like reflexes
in the following simulation.
There's an active shooter in the building.
With my GLOCK 17 modified to shoot paintball-like bullets,
I'm the good guy with a gun who's gonna take them down.
- Okay, so you need to be ready.
It could happen in any second.
From this point on, you just need to be ready.
(gun firing)
(Jordan screaming)
- [Jordan] Stop, stop.
Okay, that was a test run.
I wasn't even ready.
- You're probably not gonna be ready for it in real life.
- But I get a do-over.
Let's do it over again.
So, I kneeled down and prepared to do battle.
(gun firing)
And got shot again,
and again.
(gun firing)
And again.
Cease fire, cease fire.
Why was that so hard?
That was nothing like Call of Duty.
- I told you it's not that simple.
- Yeah, but the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun
is a good guy with a gun.
That's science.
- That's inaccurate.
About one out of every five active shooter events
gets stopped by a potential victim at the scene,
and most of those victims are unarmed.
- Where'd you get those stats from?
Some liberal think tank like Hillary Pack?
- No, it's from the FBI report that came out last year,
a study of active shooter incidents from 2000 to 2013.
- Obama's FBI?
- It's the FBI.
- Yeah, you believe that liberal clap trap?
- I'm one of the co-authors of the report.
- [Jordan] I took a closer look at his report
and it pretty much proved my good guy theory.
- There are some cases where we have good guys with guns
who are able to stop the shooter.
- Most cases.
- Very few cases.
- Half the cases.
- Not half.
- A quarter of the cases.
- Not a quarter of the cases.
- What's the percent?
- It's about 3%.
- [Jordan] 3%?
But these guys said the only way to stop
a bad guy with a gun is a.
- [Group] Good guy with a gun.
- We must not have enough guns.
If 97% more people had guns,
100% of the time, there'd be 0% crime.
- I'm not sure that's how math works.
- Pete, it's simple.
Gun goes bang, bad guy falls down,
I get to have sex with Cher.
What more do I need to learn?
- If you're gonna have a gun,
we recommend as much training as you can get.
- [Jordan] Fine, I'll train some more.
ALERT uses this abandoned elementary school
to teach law enforcement
to respond to active shooter events.
Their on-site trainers
have over 40 years of combined experience
in military and law enforcement.
Training with these guys, I'd finally get enough training.
- There's never enough training.
You can never get enough.
It's not so much a destination, it's a journey.
- But that destination is Heroville
in the state of Blow Job Land.
(audience laughing)
It's just, I mean, when you're a hero, cool stuff happens.
- Oh.
- I've got a condo there.
It's Hand Job Village.
You guys should come by some time.
- Absolutely not.
- I don't think that's gonna happen.
- I'm getting lost in this metaphor.
- Yes, you are.
- [Jordan] After yet another
four and a half more hours of training,
it was time to show them how it's done.
The scenario is as follows.
I hear shots fired at an elementary school.
Police are on the way.
But with innocent civilians inside,
I have to draw my concealed handgun and respond.
With a high-tech safety helmet to cover my face
and a (beep) towel to protect my dick and balls,
I'm ready to be a hero.
There's the bad guy, mission accomplished.
(beep) I got him.
- [Man] Why is he shooting me?
- Sorry.
Okay, so that wasn't the bad guy.
So, where are the bad--
(gun firing)
There they are, there they are.
(gun firing)
I'm being shot.
(gun firing)
Oh, thank God, the authorities are here.
I just hope they know I'm a good guy.
I'm a good guy.
(gun firing)
(Jordan screaming)
I had failed.
You guys need help?
I'm a good guy.
I was shot over 20 times
by two different bad guys with guns.
And then, the police mistook me for a bad guy
and shot me a bunch too.
Also, I may have shot an unarmed teen twice in the chest.
That was tough.
Being a good guy with a gun was starting to feel
way more complicated than movies, and video games,
and politicians make it seem.
- It's a complex situation,
and you don't wanna just give people guns,
and say you assume they know what they're gonna do.
It requires a lot of training.
- Who's got time for that much training?
- People who are gonna dedicate their lives
to protecting others.
- That's it.
Being a good guy with a gun
just takes a lifetime commitment to training.
All we have to do is figure out who the good guys are;
get millions of them to volunteer
for 300 hours of training a year,
costing billions of dollars;
then make sure they're in the right place at the right time,
guns at the ready.
And place this civilian army in our 4,700 colleges,
5,700 hospitals, 48,000 malls,
hundreds of thousands of churches.
You know, America.
Just do that.
Or.
Can we just, I don't know,
figure out a way to not put a gun in this asshole's hand?
- It's not my, not my place for that.
- I feel like that's an idea.
Just try to get this asshole to not have a gun.
- Nope, I don't think that's gonna happen in our lifetime.
- [Jordan] Well, it was worth a shot.
At least I can conceal a handgun almost everywhere.
Sleep tight, America.
(upbeat music)