do you think that you might be a victim of a covert passive-aggressive
narcissist do you even know what one is I didn't either until I came across one
by the end of this video you'll have a much better idea of what a Cooper
passive-aggressive narcissist is and you'll be able to spot them and
hopefully run away before they can wreak too much havoc in your life I'm Rebecca
song top 1% attorney and the best-selling author of the books
negotiate like you matter and breaking free a step-by-step divorce guide and I
share all my secrets on how to negotiate with the narcissist right here on this
channel so before we go any further make sure you hit that subscribe button hit
the little notification bell so that you don't miss one single video when I
upload them every single week now let's talk about this covert
passive-aggressive narcissist I never even heard of such a thing until
I actually became the I would say victim target survivor
I prefer survivor actually but you know initially you are their target and then
you kind of become their victim and then hopefully you can escape and become a
survivor and live to talk about it and you know for me having been a seasoned
attorney I'm a very successful attorney I've been recognized by any you know
valid credible source that that recognizes accomplishments of attorneys
I've been a divorce attorney for 20 years or more and you know very what I
would say confident tough so you I wouldn't have expected to have become
the target victim survivor of a covert narcissist but I actually have two two
of them that I had to get rid of fairly recently in my life and so it's
it's I while I have programs on how to negotiate with the narcissus I've had to
make sure that I incorporate in there how to deal with a covert
passive-aggressive narcissus because these are the most stealth ones these
are the most toxic in a lot of ways because they don't look like narcissus
so there's really three types of narcissus the first one would be your
grandiose narcissist that's your run-of-the-mill narcissus the one that
we're used to seeing the kind that you know most people think of when they
think of narcissus the one that goes around telling everybody how great they
are has no problem boasting about their accomplishments or thinking that they're
the best one and everybody they they tell everybody and everybody knows that
that's what they think and and and that's kind of your your run-of-the-mill
normal narcissus and then there is what we call the malignant narcissist which
is kind of like the grandiose narcissist but like on steroids it's kind of like
the Darth Vader of narcissus you know those are the ones that have a
propensity for stalking or or violence or threats of violence things like that
to intimidate people into doing what they want I mean all narcissists have
zero sense of self they're like the Easter chocolate bunny that has like
it's totally hollow inside that's what's going on with a narcissist they have no
inner sense of self they have no inner self esteem or
self-worth they actually are the most insecure of all people in the world and
so those of us who are empaths they are attracted to narcissus and
narcissus are attracted to them it's this crazy sort of symbiotic very lethal
attraction that both have for each other because em
so naturally want to help people and they they see that narcissus have that
inner sense of insecurity that deep sense of insecurity and narcissus
naturally want to be with people that have qualities that they wish that they
had or that they want other people to think that they have or that they admire
in some way something like that and so they do gravitate toward each other and
with covert passive-aggressive narcissistic even worse because covert
passive-aggressive narcissus are actually the ones that will straight out
tell you that they have difficulty with depression or you know or feeling good
about themselves they'll straight up say that they often appear to be victims of
things they want to appear to be victims a lot of times they have a lot of
illnesses or they're sick so that people feel sorry for them you know the world
just doesn't isn't fair doesn't give them what they want or whatever but they
also appear to be very charming very nice like the nicest people in the world
a really huge i opening book for me was this book right here by debbie Mirza
it's called the covert passive-aggressive narcissist and if you
haven't had a chance to read it I would definitely make sure to grab it I will
put a link to the book below here in my notes on the video definitely check it
out it was very eye-opening for me and and when I was reading it I was like oh
my god these people that have been in my life
it could be a book written about that like like they are exactly so I want to
read for you because I don't have the list memorized so I just want to read
for you some of the characteristics that they that Debbie Mirza says that covert
passive aggressive narcissist have they do not have a strong sense of self
they have silent rage lying hoovering constant criticism jealousy they project
their own issues onto you their words don't match their actions they are
emotionally disconnected they have flying monkeys which are it's like a
triangulation move to try to get people in your world to line up against them or
with them against you and they get them to believe all their lies about how
horrible you are or they might just get them on their side to think that there
are a wonderful person so therefore if you cross this person then there
definitely must be something wrong with you because they're so nice they take
credit for your ideas they withhold praise and recognition they sabotage
birthdays holidays vacations and meaningful dates they belittle you teach
you lessons they're self focused emotionally mature always strings
attached use people their dizzying conversationalist so you know easy to
get sucked in they create drama they don't make love they take it
they're not protective they create stories in their head they have no
desire to actually know you they have no interest in making this a great
relationship they use control and manipulation so those are definitely all
characteristics that I saw in the to passage covert passive-aggressive
narcissist that I had to deal with in my life I'm sure that I have others but
those are the two that actually became fixated with me and doing things you
know to hurt me and it what's interesting is that they have this kind
of weird fixation like they absolutely idolized you in a lot of ways but then
they also were trying to hurt you and do passive-aggressive things to you it's a
very strange world of insanity that you know you just got to get yourself out of
as fast as possible if you can and if you can't you
definitely want to create boundaries that are really really strict because
you know these people are actually narcissists all narcissists don't
respect boundaries here's a poster respect bears they don't have to respect
yours that's how that goes there are three phases to a relationship with a
covert passive-aggressive narcissist our sucess and that is the love bombing
phase where they start off with how great you are you're so beautiful
everything is amazing they line themselves up to look like they're so
perfect for you they they want you to think that they're incredible in the
beginning that everything about them is just perfect where you're thinking wow
it's this person even real this is amazing
and then the next phase is where they start to devalue you and with a
passive-aggressive narcissus the swear you start to see these little things and
they're just small enough they're so good at doing these little things that
you know are not right and you know are meant to do something to you but the
rest of the world if you tell them about it they would go well that doesn't seem
so bad I don't know maybe it was a mistake you know that seems an advert
--nt because they're so nice so it has to be an error or they Gaslight you but
it's in very very subtle ways where they'll say you know they'll do
something completely contrary to what you agreed on or to what you would think
that they should do or whatever and when you call them out on it they go oh we
had that conversation you agree to that how do you know you never had that
conversation or you or they say something like oh we thought you said
that that was okay or something like that and and you know that that just
never happened and so they try to make you think that you're crazy but when you
tell other people about it they go oh that must have been inadvertent you know
one of the things that I've with covert passive-aggressive
narcissist is like with with money you know where money will end up being
deposited into the wrong account and they go oh I didn't realize I did that
I'll correct it and then they never do you know and so then you end up having
to go back to ask them about it but then when you tell people about it they go
well it seems inadvertent because the person is so nice and there's such a
good person they would never do anything like take money you know things like
that and you know so it goes on and on and so during the devalue phase you're
getting this little drip drip drip on your head of things that are starting to
make you think you're crazy because the whole rest of the world does think that
this person is so nice you know one of the examples that Debbie Mirza gives in
her book is about a husband who would go into a Starbucks or something and get
himself a coffee and he would ask the wife if she wanted anything and she
would always say yes and she would tell him what he wanted what she wanted and
he would always come back out and say oh I forgot to get yours when she would
bring it up and then he wouldn't even go back in to get a like he would just
drive away you know little things like that that are just like well do you
really break up a relationship over that well it doesn't seem like so bad maybe
I'm just being selfish you know things like that and especially if you're an
empath which remember I said they gravitate toward your you're gonna want
to be as giving as possible and so and narcissus just want to take as much as
possible so and remember to a narcissist your only value is whatever value you
bring to them because they need an endless amount of what we call
narcissists supply and supply is whatever thing of value you can bring to
them it might be compliments it might be making them look good it might be
helping them you know with all of their problems it may be
a financial pain it may be that just being associated with you gives them
higher boost in status or or whatever so you know but is if you take away that
value from the narcissist then your value is gone as well and in fact when
you try to end a relationship with a narcissist who I mean whether it's a
romantic relationship a business relationship or you know friend neighbor
employee or whatever they're gonna want to get you first
and especially because you may know things about them that actually would
make them vulnerable so they're going to make a lot of noise and go absolutely
berserk so you got to be ready for that because
they're gonna want to make everybody else think that you're the bad one for
leaving even if they leave you to be honest they don't want to be seen as oh
I left them because I'm a bad person or I wanted to be with somebody else
they've got to make it about you and so you've got to steel yourself you've got
to be ready that whatever you say do whatever is going to be manipulated
they're gonna lie cheat in my program on how to negotiate with a narcissist I
actually have a list of 30 things that they will do and I actually break them
out by the type of narcissists and the types of behavior they do in a breakup
but just know that you're gonna be in for it but remember remember that this
is actually the most fragile personality they're like the the bully on the
playground that when you fight back they run away so you just gotta find that
point and create enough strategy and leverage to get them to the point where
they will be willing to back down and run away and just find somebody else
because it's not worth their trouble to be in your space anymore and you're not
giving them any value so plus if you're gonna make them look
bad then you know it's time to move on as far as they're concerned so that's
what I have for you today on the covert passive-aggressive narcissistic n check
out this book it's a very interesting book it was very enlightening for me and
if you haven't already make sure you subscribe to my channel I bring you new
videos on narcissus and how to deal with them every single week and if you're
getting ready to negotiate with any narcissist at all including a
passive-aggressive covert or success make sure you grab my crush my
negotiation prep worksheet which I will drop a link to below and I don't want
you to miss one single thing especially if you're dealing with one on a regular
basis because you need all the help and all the support you can get and I feel
for you believe me I'm Rebecca's some top 1% attorney and I will see you in
the next video