-Hey, welcome everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you so much for watching.
Well, let's get to the news and jokes.
Guys, everyone is still talking about
Rudy Giuliani's press conference.
And, I mean, by now, we've all seen what happened
with the hair dye, which is still insane.
I still can't believe that that was real, but it was real.
But something you might have missed was
what he did with his handkerchief.
And this -- Just watch this.
-That is true.
It is somehow related to this,
but I do not know whether good guys got it or bad guys got it.
-So you don't know who hid that.
-Ugh!
Oh, my gosh!
-I can only hear one person at the top.
-Oh, my...
Wow!
I think Rudy's trying to single-handedly start COVID-20.
Seriously, when it saw that clip,
even COVID-19 immediately put on a mask.
It's like, "Oh, gosh!"
If that's what Rudy does on national TV,
I don't want to see what he does at home.
It's like...
-It got silent.
-Also, why do I get the feeling Rudy
has been using the same dinner napkin since 1974?
He's like, "It's my lucky napkin."
Rudy's having a brutal 2020.
I mean, a month ago, he got caught on film
sticking his hand down his pants.
It wasn't even close to his worst moment.
I mean, not surprisingly, today, it came out that Giuliani
and other key members of Trump's legal team
have been exposed to the coronavirus.
But this is nice.
Rudy is offering to share his wet hankie
with anyone who needs it.
Rudy was tested, and, thankfully,
the results were negative, which raises the question, how?
How is that possible?
I'm going to the store, I've got like 20 masks on.
I'm wearing gloves.
And this guy is rubbing snot all over his face.
Yeah, when they gave Rudy the COVID test,
you could almost hear the swab going, "No, no, no!
Don't stick me in -- You know what?
I had a good run.
I had a good run."
Speaking of the pandemic, today, Pfizer announced
that they have officially applied for
emergency authorization for their vaccine,
which means it could be approved for use
as early as mid-December.
-Ooh!
-Yeah. Apparently, Pfizer saw that Rudy Giuliani
press conference and thought, "We'd better hurry."
I mean, this is --
If there's one, there's more than one."
I don't know how I feel about an emergency vaccine.
I'm not sure I like the feeling of
someone running up to me like, "Quick, inject this!"
"Thanks."
Well, earlier today, Trump held a press conference
to talk about drug prices,
but he kicked things off by discussing the election.
Watch this.
-Big Pharma ran millions of dollars of
negative advertisements against me during the campaign,
which I won, by the way.
But, you know, we'll find that out.
Almost 74 million votes.
-As soon as Trump said that, the C.E.O. of Twitter ran in
and said, "This claim has been disputed.
Keep going."
Trump still can't accept losing.
If you're wondering why we have participation trophies,
this is exactly why.
This is exact--
[ As Trump ] There are no losers.
We all won.
[ Normal voice ] Trump was like, "74 million --
you round that up, it's 100 million,
which you can then round up to a billion.
So, how about that, folks? A billion votes."
Speaking of Trump, I saw that judges in
Arizona, Pennsylvania, and Georgia have all thrown out
lawsuits from the Trump administration,
but he continues to dish out more.
I'm starting to think he doesn't understand how the law works.
I mean, just check out the responses
when he was asked about basic legal terms.
When asked what liquidation means, Trump said...
When asked what docket is, he said...
"Those are Dockets."
Next up, for habeas corpus, he said...
He kept going. For mandate, Trump said...
And, finally, for precedent, he said,
"What I'll still be in January, thanks to the billion people,
the billion people who voted."
Here's a big tech story.
Apple has agreed to pay $113 million
for slowing down old iPhones on purpose.
Yep, nothing teaches a company a lesson like fining them
.0005% of their total worth.
They'll never do that again.
-Oops.
-Oops. -Oops.
-Oopsie, yeah. "Yeah, Here you go.
What's that? Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Alright, I'm sorry. Sorry about that."
Finally, I saw that -- Did you see this?
A British magician just set a world record
for performing tricks in an interesting place.
Take a look at this.
-A magician in England set the record for the most magic tricks
underwater in three minutes.
He had 20 tricks.
-Yeah. You could tell he was running out of tricks
when magic trick number 18 was just shrinkage.
It's good that he was underwater.
He couldn't hear the kids say, "We should have hired a clown."