- And whenever I fly to the States,
I've got a place there,
but I'm always working, right?
So, someone else is playing, all right,
so I go first class BA.
It doesn't get any better.
Even if I was paying for my own way,
I'd still go for first class.
But, Jane would probably be in coach.
(audience laughing)
It's 10 grand a pop. She's...
That new Planet of the Apes movies on, she'd love that.
(audience laughing)
Alright, but when someone else is paying, I say,
"Jane, get up here with me."
Right?
(audience laughing)
Front two seats, they board us early.
We're on the plane about 15 minutes before anyone else is,
oh my God, they bring round these snacks,
these, like, warmed, caramelized nuts in a bowl,
right, champagne.
It's great, it's like a little day off from me.
No phone or anything,
it's like a little holiday flying to the States, right?
I could do without the safety video.
That's always a bit of a downer, right?
(audience chuckling)
And totally pointless,
if you go into the side of a mountain at 500 miles an hour,
the brace position does fuck all.
(audience laughing)
Imagine if that worked right?
You're going down, right, right?
The planes smashing, you go, I'll try it.
All right, you do that, ball of flames,
you wake up, everyone's dead except,
you go, "Fucking hell, that's amazing."
That is...
(audience laughing)
And they always use that voice, don't they, on the safety,
they always use that voice, that calming, hypnotic voice.
Like, nothing bad happened.
They're saying horrendous things,
but they're trying to make you think,
nothing bad'll happen 'cause they're,
I'm using this voice so don't worry about it, right?
They say things, like,
"In the even of the plane landing on water,"
it smashes the fuck to bits, right?
(audience laughing)
They say, they say,
"In the event of the plane landing on water,
"your life jacket is equipped with a whistle."
(audience laughing)
A fucking whistle.
(audience laughing)
So, the plane hits the water, smashed into bits,
everyone's dead except you, by a miracle,
you're bobbing around in the Atlantic Ocean,
four degrees, that water is, right?
You've got about 15 minutes
before hypothermia sets in, right?
Or eaten by a shark, or you drown.
And you're hoping they dispatched air-sea rescue.
And you're going,
"Oh my God, I'm bruised, I'm (murmurs), I'm gonna die.
"I don't wanna die wet, and I don't know what I'm doing.
"Hold on." (whistles)
(audience laughing and clapping)
(whistles)
(audience laughing)
I mean, air-sea rescue.
Now I don't know if you've ever been in a helicopter,
of course you haven't, right?
But...
(audience laughing)
They're fucking loud, right?
It's like having your head in a washing machine.
You have to wear earplugs and then ear defenders.
Your teeth rattle, it's like...
(imitating muffled rattling noise)
Like that. So you're like,
over the Atlantic Ocean at night,
(imitating muffled rattling noise)
(audience laughing)
(whistles)
(audience laughing)
Never gonna happen, it's never gonna happen.
(audience laughing)
(Ricky chuckles)
If you crash, you die, right?
(audience laughing)