Okay, let's get right into this because I have a ton going on.
I mentioned some of you have commented recently that
corrections is too long and boring. Uh someone wrote
someone who doesn't agree with you but they did write and I
thought it was helpful. May I recommend using the YouTube
feature where you can play things at one and a quarter
speed or one and a half speed and let me just say I celebrate
that suggestion. I take no offense if you want to get
through corrections Quicker. Also, if you find this boring,
I recommend you use a brand-new YouTube feature as well which
is watch literally anything else.
There's I cannot tell you how many things there are on the
website that you're currently watching this.
Like what do you do when you walk into a grocery store? Do
you just buy the first thing you see? Ugh, I hate tuna.
Talking a lot about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Talk
about the Party Dude Turtles. I keep calling him Michelangelo
and being told by you guys it's Michelangelo because I keep
forgetting that the turtle came first and the sculptor was
named after him.
This is crazy. Sometimes I find out stuff that is legitimately
crazy. Last week we talked about Big Bang Theory created
by Chuck Laurie. We also talked about Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles. Their theme song. That theme song was written by the
same Chuck Laurie. This man, Chuck Laurie, wrote that song.
He also wrote and created Grace Under Fire, Dharma and Greg,
two and a half men, the Big Bang Theory, Mike and Molly,
Mom, Young Sheldon, The Kaminsky Method and still
hasn't had a single hit. It just keeps plugging away. You
have to admire it. Not that hard though. I think I could
write a theme song, right? Deckles ruin everything. I am.
Nobody likes it but they think that they're right. Um I'm
going to I'm going to do a jackals cartoon. I'm going to
name Wall after French painters. So like Monet he
cares about grammar. Dega hates when you pronounce things
wrong. He's a party dude. I do think you need a party dude.
And Goga is a grown man who insists you say Lego blocks.
Also Saison is pronounced Suzanne. Because who the who
gives about the past? To say it however is easiest. We are
guilty of this. Often times we refer to a a misbehaving or
petulant child in a joke and we always we tend to more often
not give them the name Tyler. Well some some real life Tylers
have reached out to complain. Uh and they've said there's a
there's a lot of good Tylers in in the world. We're we're not
all little dickheads. And you know I just want to say to all
of them with sincerity, take it up with your parents. You know
what I mean? I didn't do this to you. I'm just pointing it
out. Who you mad at? The guy who takes your wallet or the
guy who yells, stop thief.
This is it won't surprise you that I hate to admit this.
Sometimes the jackals come up with a good joke. Rarely. But
sometimes last week I mentioned ERs are now called ED's
emergency departments because they're more than one ER and
emergency room. I speculated that would be a problem if
somebody came in with erectile dysfunction because it would
lead to a who's on first situation which is why are you
in the ED? ED. That's what I said. That's why I'm here. Why
is this so hard? That's what I want to ask the doctor. Felt
like I landed it pretty great and then a jackal wrote, what
caused the ED third base?
You.
This is And you know and a lot of teens are probably wondering
like hey you're an adult man. Do you still use the base
system when you talk about sex? Yeah. Never go, you never grow
out of it. Shoemaker still not here. We're keeping it together
but it is just a less fun place to work. We're managing
executing everybody's rising occasion but it does continue
to stink that he's not here. Some of you did say why based
on what we know about Shoemaker, we do feel bad that
he broke his leg but it does seem like most of his job is
sitting Why why can't he come in?
And so I called him up and I asked him that because I once
you said it I was like man
I don't think any of us can remember a time where like
Shoemaker was like doing the Holly Hunter run down the
hallway like the tapes.
It was Joan Cusack. Caught it. Caught it.
But I called him up and I said what you know why aren't you?
And he said he does need his he does need both legs to do the
most important part of his job. And I said what's the most
important part of your job? And he said kicking ****
Anyway and then his nurse which was great. I heard his nurse be
like be quiet mister Shoemaker.
I said I caught mange on the subway by breathing with my
mask off. Uh you can't get mange from breathing. It's
caused by mites. But based on the current state of the New
York subway that might be possible. Base.
Okay so this isn't a a correction this is something
that people have asked clarification for and I do like
the people because this is a this is a TV production
question and I'm impressed that people have been curious enough
to want an answer sometimes Wally has lines and when Wally
has lines people say who is holding Wally's cue card when
he is on camera that would be Brian and if you're wondering
why you've never seen Brian on camera the reason is we're not
looking to make a second Frankenstein.
Who need a second guy coming up to me with cue cards under one
arm be like any lines tonight mister Myers
The boat repair bills are adding up. You're like, when
did you get a boat? I
I think if we have a light motif and corrections, it's
sloths. We talked about sloths again. I said two-fingered
sloths and boy, you guys jumped all over me and said it was a
two-toed sloth. Well, according to the sloth, Conservation
Foundation, the correct terminology should be two
fingered and the sloth, Conservation Foundation does
good work, okay? This isn't a website I found today. To back
me up. I'm going there every morning for updates on sloth
conservation and it turns out it's two fingers because they
consider but I think this is the right term, the top limbs.
Arms. And I knew Serenity our sloth I knew she was a
two-fingered sloth because when I told her at the end of the
night we did the taping and then I walked her to her car
and I remember we walked out it was like midnight the show had
ended at six and I said to her she got in the car and I said
hey I just want you to know you're the last animal I'm ever
going to have in the show because I could tell you were
uncomfortable and she gave me the peace sign and they weren't
toes. And then she drove and she drove off and crashed. She
was driving. She crashed immediately. A car cut in front
of her and she was like.
Some would say the reason they're toes. The people the
the people argue their toes and not fingers because a sloth is
a quadruped meaning it uses all four limbs to walk. That's not
to be confused with a biped which uses two legs such as a
kangaroo or an ostrich or a uniped such as shoemaker. I
Cobras, we said they were poisonous. Cobras are venomous,
not poisonous. Poison is ingested and venom is injected
via reading YouTube comments. A dog's house can't be hit by a
meteorite. It's a meteoroid and when it enters our atmosphere,
it's a meteor, the meteor would hit the doghouse at which point
it would be a meteorite once it was on the ground. If you think
that's hard to follow, imagine explaining it to the dog.
Also just pick a name. Oh I'm this one. I'm here. I'm that
one. I'm there. It's like when your friends like your friend
Becky's like at work I'm Rebecca. You're like off.
We talked about golden passports. Oligarchs have
golden passports. I as a TSA agent said to a Russian
oligarch, Willy Wonka over here with his golden passport. A lot
of you said it should be Charlie Bucket because Willy
Wonka would hand out the passport and Charlie Buck would
have it and I would just say as a New Yorker, I think our our
insults will often choose the option that sounds better. As
opposed to the one that adheres most to the text.
Um this is a year. Um we've officially been a year since
our first corrections which I believe was March first. No
progress has been made to doing an anniversary show in any way,
shape, or form. So we're just going to move the goal posts. I
think this is our thirty-eight correction so we will do we
will do it on our fiftieth. And if you're wondering if you can
trust me on that, I wouldn't.
Talked about Marjorie Taylor Green and how she when I see
MTG it reminds me of meetings and a few you said when you say
when you see MTG it reminds you of Magic the Gathering It makes
me very happy that this is a safe enough place where you can
admit that.
You know, sometimes you do this job and you feel like you're
not getting through to anybody and then you get a message that
you realize in regards to at least one element of this show
you're making a difference. Someone wrote of me this mother
got me walking around the house doing lousy pacino impressions
and it sounds as ridiculous as you might imagine. Thank you. I
we had a joke about National Pig Day and I said it's
National Pig Day and the audience this was Tuesday the
audience responded like a I got angry with them. I got angry
that they seem to have some investment in it being National
Pig Day. Probably overreacted a little bit. Someone said hey in
their defense the pig picture was too cute like that's not on
them they weren't reacting to National Pig Day they're
reacting to you know will you show a pig like that what do
you expect an audience to do and that's that's fair so I
think if you could go back in time maybe this men were
throwing beads and yelling show us your chin
Today was National Pig Day. When isn't it? Asked an what is
wrong with you?
One of the the things we said about National Pig Day, we had
a joke about how Charlotte Charlotte from Charlotte's Web
was angry that it was National Pig Day because she feels like
she's doing all the work in the relationship and someone wrote
me this. Charlotte can't complain about working for
Wilbur because she dies at the end of the book which is
accurate. They then went on to say, it's kind of hard to keep
writing when her thorax burst open to let all her babies out.
Not sure we needed part two.
I've no issue with the end of Charlotte's web. Some might say
it's a little sad for kids but I feel like it's a very it's a
wonderful book. My kids have read it. Teaches them a little
bit about death and a way that I think isn't that jarring
because you know just a spider. But if I have an issue with our
friend EB It's with the book Stuart Little. Very excited to
read Stuart Little to my kids. I of course had no memory of it
other than the fact there was a mouse in a car. There's a lot
more in Stuart Little to unpack. One, Stuart's parents
are people and he's a mouse. There's no magic spell or
anything. That's just kind of how it starts but you let it go
because it's a wonderful story and it's about this mouse
living in New York City and it's fantastic and it's Central
Park and love it and then, there's a bird. He's got a
friend who's a bird named Margolo and Margolo flies off
and because the cat scares Margolo and Stuart Little goes
off to find his friend the bird. We're reading one chapter
a night and every night we sit down and my son Ash would say,
do you think tonight he'll find Margolo and I'd say, I hope so
and we're reading the book and he's just sort of travelling
further north and having his adventures and and my son every
night. Do you think he's going to find Margalot? I'm
like I'm sure he's going to find Margot soon but at the
same time I'm reading the book and I'm running out of pages.
You know I can sense there's if there's a reunion coming it's
going to be a quick one. And we're in the last chapter and
you know, there's there's like a drawing every third page and
I'm sort of flipping ahead and I don't see Margalot and this
is the last line. Of Stuart Little. As he peered ahead into
the great land that stretched before him, the wave seemed
long but the sky was bright and he somehow felt he was heading
in the right direction and then the book's over. If your kids
are anything like mine and you read them a line like that,
they're going to have some follow ups. And so I did a
terrible thing. Which is I just added a line. He was heading in
the right direction. And then I said and he was soon proven
right when Margolo was around the next corner. And she got in
the car and they headed back to New York City where things were
exactly the same as they were before she had left. I feel
bad. Like I don't know if I should have done that or not. I
mean he's EB White, right? It's not like I've ever written a
children's book but I have.
And again I don't want to make this about merch but I'm not
scared you're scared is available for preorder and it's
the book Jack will say is grammatically correct
Okay. I've I've people say, hey, you forgot to show the
back of the cards. I have. Here was last week's. That's what
you would have seen. That's nice. And now I think we're
done.
Mm hmm.
Still no progress on merch. Um I don't quite know what to say
about it. Um Michael? Let's do some merch stuff next week but
like you figure it out. Great. So we'll see how that goes. Lay
you behind the curtain a little bit on how we do things here.
Alright. Shoemaker said, just because I'm gone, don't do a
20-minute correction.
But at some point you gotta incentivize the guy to get out
of his bed.
See me next week.