WELCOME UP THERE, DOWN THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, WELCOME,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE'S EXCITEMENT.
IT'S ELECTRIC IN THE AIR.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN AMERICA BECAUSE REMEMBER TRUMP'S THREAT
FROM THE STATE OF THE UNION?
>> IF THERE IS GOING TO BE PEACE AND LEGISLATION, THERE CANNOT BE
WAR AND INVESTIGATION.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: WELL, BYE, BYE,
PEACE BECAUSE, LESS THAN 24 HOURS AFTER BEING DIRECTLY
THREATENED BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, HOUSE
DEMOCRATS ANNOUNCED A NEW INVESTIGATION INTO PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S FOREIGN FINANCIAL INTERESTS AND RUSSIA TIES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WORKED OUT.
YES, TRUMP DREW A LINE IN THE SAND, BUT YOU KNOW A GOOD WAY TO
ERASE THAT?
A BLUE WAVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
♪ CAST ALSO IN THE SAND ♪ YESTERDAY, THE HOUSE
INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE ANNOUNCED A FIVE-POINT INVESTIGATION
THAT'S GOING TO DIG DEEP INTO RUSSIAN INTERFERENCE IN OUR
POLITICAL SYSTEM.
THEY ARE LOOKING INTO EVERYTHING.
AS ONE MEMBER OF THE COMMITTEE, ERIC SWALWELL, PUT IT, "WE ARE
GOING TO TAKE AN M.R.I. TO ANY RUSSIAN FINANCING THAT THE TRUMP
ORGANIZATION AND THE PRESIDENT MAY HAVE HAD."
(AS COMMITTEE MEMBER) "YES, WE'RE TAKING AN M.R.I. TO
THE FINANCES, A CAT SCAN TO THE INAUGURAL COMMITTEE, AND, WE
DIDN'T ASK FOR IT, BUT SOMEONE ALREADY GAVE US A URINE SAMPLE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALLEGEDLY.
WE DON'T KNOW.
>> Jon: ALLEGEDLY.
>> Stephen: WE DON'T KNOW.
AND THEY'RE NOT JUST LOOKING AT INTERFERENCE BY RUSSIA.
SWALWELL EXPLAINED HE WAS WORRIED OTHER COUNTRIES MAY HAVE
TRIED TO INFLUENCE THE PRESIDENT, SAYING "WE ARE NOT
GOING TO BE SO NAIVE TO ASSUME THAT TRUMP'S FAITHFUL TO THE
RUSSIANS."
WELL, COME ON!
WHY WOULD TRUMP BE UNFAITHFUL TO THE RUSSIANS?
HE'S NOT MARRIED TO THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, OH!
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE.
THE HOUSE WAYS AND MEANS COMMITTEE MET TODAY TO START
BUILDING A CASE TO PURSUE TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) REMEMBER THOSE?
DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE?
>> Jon: I REMEMBER THAT!
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOSH.
WERE WE EVER SO YOUNG?
( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE FINALLY GOING TO FIND OUT
WHAT'S IN THEM!
DID PUTIN CLAIM TRUMP AS A DEPENDENT?
( LAUGHTER ) DID TRUMP CHECK THE BOX TO
DONATE $3 TO A RUSSIAN OLIGARCH?
( LAUGHTER ) DID HE LIST HIS STATUS AS
"MARRIED" OR "YEAH, BUT I'M NOT DEAD"?
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S GOING TO BE HARD FOR
TRUMP TO STOP IT, BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT THAT AN OBSCURE
PROVISION IN THE FEDERAL TAX CODE GIVES THE CHAIRMAN OF THE
COMMITTEE UNILATERAL POWERS TO REQUEST TAX INFORMATION ON ANY
FILER, INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES.
>> Jon: THERE IT IS.
>> Stephen: KEEP IN MIND, VERY IMPORTANT --
THAT'S AN "OBSCURE" PROVISION OF THE FEDERAL TAX CODE-- UNLIKE
THE PARTS WE ALL MEMORIZED IN GRADE SCHOOL.
HERE WE GO!
(SINGING) "IN...
THE CASE OF AN INDIVIDUAL THERE IS HEREBY IMPOSED FOR EACH
TAXABLE YEAR A TAX EQUAL TO 3.8% OF!"
WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS SINGING WITH ME?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WAS I THE ONLY ONE WHO -- >> Jon: I KNEW IT!
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW ALL THE SONGS!
YOU CAN'T STUMP THE BAND.
>> Jon: YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING.
>> Stephen: AND THAT'S NOT ALL.
ACCORDING TO ONE COMMITTEE AIDE, "THE TAX RETURNS ARE ONLY ONE
EVIDENTIARY PIECE OF THE LARGER PUZZLE ABOUT TRUMP'S FINANCES."
A LARGER PUZZLE?
I DON'T CARE HOW LARGE IT IS.
I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE PRETTY EASY TO SOLVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) (AS TRUMP)
"I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE, PAT.
IS IT 'WITCH HUNT'?" ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) BUT THE COMMITTEE MEMBERS ARE
PROCEEDING WITH CAUTION TO AVOID APPEARING PARTISAN.
ONE MEMBER SAID, "THIS NEEDS TO BE DONE METHODICALLY.
THERE CANNOT BE AN OUNCE OF 'LET'S GO GET HIM.'"
THAT'S VERY PRUDENT.
ALSO, LET'S GO GET HIM!
( LAUGHTER ) WE ARE WAY PAST AT T DECORUM HER
GUYS!
WHEN YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF A BURNING BUILDING, YOU DON'T
STOP AT THE DOOR TO SAY, "NO, AFTER YOU.
NO, AFTER YOU, I INSIST.
OOPS!
WE'RE DEAD."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE,
BECAUSE TRUMP HAS TOLD HIS TREASURY DEPARTMENT TO READY
PLANS TO DRAG THE EXPECTED DEMOCRATIC REQUEST OUT FOR
MONTHS AND WELL INTO THE 2020 CAMPAIGN.
WAIT, HE WANTS HIS TAXES RELEASED DURING THE 2020
CAMPAIGN?
(AS TRUMP) "I WANT THIS TO LAND RIGHT
BEFORE THE ELECTION.
I HATE THIS JOB.
GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE."
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP IS NOT HAPPY.
I CAN YO UNDERSTAND.
>> Jon: IT'S A TOUGH JOB.
LOT OF ACCUSATIONS.
>> Stephen: TRUMP'S NOT HAPPY.
YESTERDAY, HE COINED A NEW CATCHPHRASE TO DESCRIBE THE
INVESTIGATIONS.
>> IT'S CALLED PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT.
>> STEPHEN: YES, PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) IT'S LIKE SEXUAL HARASSMENT,
ONLY REPUBLICANS TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND, TODAY, HE SINGLED OUT HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN
AND MAN SEEING THE WARM BROWNIES COME OUT OF THE OVEN, ADAM
SCHIFF, TWEETING, "SO NOW CONGRESSMAN ADAM SCHIFF
ANNOUNCES, AFTER HAVING FOUND ZERO RUSSIAN COLLUSION, THAT HE
IS GOING TO BE LOOKING AT EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE, BOTH
FINANCIAL AND PERSONAL, EVEN THOUGH THERE IS NO REASON TO BE
DOING SO.
NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!
UNLIMITED PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT, DOT DOT DOT DOT...
...DOT DOT DOT DOT, THE DEMS AND THEIR COMMITTEES ARE GOING
'NUTS.'" YES, THE DEMS ARE GOING "NUTS,"
LOOKING INTO POSSIBLE "CRIMES" THAT YOU DEFINITELY "DID."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) HE CONTINUED, "THE REPUBLICANS
NEVER DID THIS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA."
HAVE BEEN YOU BEEN HUFFING THE AQUANET?
WE WERE ALL ALIVE THEN.
NONE OF US WERE IN A COMA ALL THEY DID WAS INVESTIGATE
HIM!
THE I.R.S., THE A.T.F, THE A.C.A., SOLYNDRA, BENGHAZI,
BENGHAZI, AND BENGHAZI.
THE ONLY THING THEY DIDN'T SUBPOENA IS HIS TAXES.
CAN YOU GUESS WHY?
HINT: HE RELEASED THEM!
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP HALLUCINATED FURTHER: "I
HEAR OTHER COMMITTEE HEADS WILL DO THE SAME THING.
EVEN STEALING PEOPLE WHO WORK AT WHITE HOUSE!"
IS HE USING "STEALING" AS A VERB OR AN ADJECTIVE?
(AS TRUMP) "THEY KEEP TAKING MY BEST
'STEALING PEOPLE'.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET RICHER WITHOUT MY BEST STEALING PEOPLE?
YOU KNOW, MY THIEVING FRIENDS, MY BURGLAR BUDDIES, MY
CORRUPTION COMPADRES, MY MONEY-LAUNDERING MUCHACHOS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MOOCHO DINERO.
TRUMP MIGHT BE LOOKING FOR DIVINE INTERVENTION, BECAUSE
THIS MORNING, HE SPOKE AT THE NATIONAL PRAYER BREAKFAST.
MAKES SENSE.
THE ONLY THING TRUMP'S EVER PRAYED FOR IS MORE BREAKFAST.
( LAUGHTER ) IN THE VERY FIRST WORDS OF HIS
SPEECH, TRUMP MADE A PROMISE.
>> I WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN.
I CAN SAY THAT.
NEVER.
>> STEPHEN: DID THE PRESIDENT JUST RICK-ROLL THE PRAYER
BREAKFAST?
(AS TRUMP) "NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP
NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND
DESERT YOU.
UNLESS YOU JUST GAVE BIRTH, THEN I'M GONNA BOINK A PORN STAR."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: REALLY?
TOO FAR?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) REALLY?
I'M SORRY.
I APOLOGIZE.
I DIDN'T REALIZE WE HAD SO MANY PORN STARS HERE TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN HE LISTED WHAT OUR NATION
HAS ACHIEVED THROUGH THE POWER OF PRAYER.
>> SINCE THE FOUNDING OF OUR NATION, MANY OF OUR GREATEST
STRIDES FROM GAINING OUR INDEPENDENCE TO ABOLITION OF
CIVIL RIGHTS...
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: ABOLITION OF CIVIL RIGHTS?
(AS TRUMP) "OOPS, I ACCIDENTALLY READ NEXT
YEAR'S SPEECH."
( LAUGHTER ) HIS MOUTH ALSO SAID THIS --
>> AMERICA'S POTENTIAL IS UNLIMITED BECAUSE OUR
EXTRAORDINARY PEOPLE ARE JUST SOMETHING THAT IS NUMBER
ONE...NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: HE'S TALKING LIKE
THEY SPUN HIM AROUND TEN TIMES, PULLED THE BAG OFF HIS HEAD, AND
PUSHED HIM ON STAGE.
(AS TRUMP) "AMERICA -- AND I MEAN THIS FROM
THE BOTTOM OF IT -- AMERICA -- AMERICA ARE NUMBER ONE, WHEN
THEY WENT THE JOURNEY, LOVE AND FRIEND, AND I'LL SAY THAT TO
ANYONE, WHERE AM I?" ( APPLAUSE )
"THEN GAME MARCO -- MARCO -- MARCO.
THANK YOU ."
( APPLAUSE ) THEN CAME TRUMP'S LEAST FAVORITE
PART OF ANY SPEECH, TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO
AREN'T HIM.
>> THIS SATURDAY, PASTOR BRUNSON WILL WALK HIS DAUGHTER DOWN THE
AISLE.
WOW, THIS IS GREAT, CONGRATULATIONS.
>> STEPHEN: HIS SPEECH JUST BROKE NEWS TO HIMSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"AS YOUR PRESIDENT-- AM I STILL PRESIDENT?
WOW, THAT LASTED LONGER THAN I THOUGHT.
MUELLER HASN'T GOT ME YET?" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
CHRIS PRATT IS HERE!
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I SHARE MY MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS.
STICK AROUND!