-Thank you so much.
And welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
[ Cheers and applause ] That's right!
Well, guys, today in Washington,
President Biden met virtually
with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau
for the first time since taking office.
Yeah, Biden did the best he could
to fix our relationship with Canada.
He was like, "Hey, about the last four years...
[Canadian accent] ...sorry."
In response, Trudeau was like,
"On behalf of Canada, thank you for your friendship,
for your support, and for taking Ted Cruz."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trudeau and Biden had a typical video chat
between a 49-year-old and a 78-year-old.
Trudeau spent the first 20 minutes
trying to tell Biden he was on mute.
It's like -- "No. Stop yelling.
God. Give me a pen. 'You're on mute.'"
But it was a productive meeting,
other than when Biden started talking about his second cousin
who once went over Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel.
"He survived, but he still hears rushing water every time he...
[ Laughter ]
...touches wood."
"He's now down to only three nipples."
Well, guys, this is exciting.
The Golden Globes are this Sunday, and --
[ Cheers and applause ]
It was just announced
that some front-line and essential workers
have been invited to attend this year's event.
That should be a fun red carpet for the front-line workers.
"Who am I wearing?
Dickies scrubs and the same PPE since June.
That's who I'm wearing."
They should be a really good crowd.
I mean, literally the only people on Earth
who didn't spend the last year binge-watching every movie
and show that came out.
Some more TV news.
Last night was a new episode of "The Bachelor,"
and for one of the dates, Matt and Rachael went skydiving.
This is real. Let's see how that went.
♪♪
-Yeah, yeah!
-Ohh!
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. -Yeah.
-Wow.
[ Laughter ]
Somehow we can land a rover on Mars,
but we can't land a "Bachelor" contestant on Earth.
Gosh. Alex, can we just see just the end of that when she --
[ Laughter ] -Ohh!
-[ Laughter ] -Oh, my gosh.
When she asked the instructor, "What gives, man?"
He was like, "Wait. I thought you were the instructor."
I think Rachael was still a little out of it.
When Matt handed her a rose, she said,
"Yes, I will answer this phone.
Yello? What's your problem?"
On the bright side, Matt could finally use
that lame pickup line,
"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
And smacked into the Earth?"
[ Laughter ]
Yep, it was --
[ Laughter ]
[ Rim shot ]
It was hometowns week on "The Bachelor" last night,
and things got pretty intense.
The emotions on that show can be a little hard
to handle sometimes, so I thought we could help.
Here's a clip from the episode re-voiced
with the least emotional person we know -- Siri.
This is "Let's Get Siri-ous."
-Let's Get Siri-ous.
-Siri: After talking to my mom and Bri...
♪♪
Ohh.
So, like, I feel...
like...
I'm falling in love with you.
Thank you for sharing that with me tonight.
[ Applause ]
-Some tech news.
We're getting some details about what Apple
might have planned for the next iPhone,
including portrait mode for video, an ultra-wide camera,
and an attachable battery pack so you can charge on the go.
Right now, Ted Cruz's wife is like,
"Is there a feature that tells you
which one of your group-chat friends ratted you out?"
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is interesting.
The new iPhone is also rumored
to have a more grippy, textured back.
Aww. The iPhone is aging just like the rest of us.
[ Laughter ]
"Grippy, textured back."
Get this. Since the pandemic has made it difficult
for musicians to perform,
a German rock band has started holding concerts in their van
for just one fan at a time.
Yeah, it's a German band named "Das Awkward."
[ Laughter ]
That seems less like a concert
and more like a hostage situation, doesn't it?
When they take requests, the most popular one is,
"Let Me Out."
Well, this is big.
I saw that New Jersey just legalized marijuana.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And here now on the line to discuss the historic moment
is famous New Jersey resident Bruce Springsteen.
Bruce! Are you there?
-Yeah, hey, Jimmy. Going down to the --
[ Incoherent mumbling ]
-Thanks for being here.
What do you think about weed being legal in Jersey?
-Yeah, you know... [ Incoherent mumbling ]
-[ Laughter ] -That's great.
I saw that you have a podcast with President Obama.
How's that going?
-Yeah, it's going real good. [ Incoherent mumbling ]
You should, uh, buy a Jeep!
-Really? You have special guests, you say?
Like who? Who's --
-[ Incoherent mumbling ]
-Wow. It's Bob Dylan. Bob, how's it going?
-[ Bob Dylan mumbling incoherently ]
[ Bruce Springsteen mumbling incoherently ]
-[ Bob Dylan mumbling incoherently ]
[ Both mumbling incoherently ]
-[ Chuckles ] Well, do you guys
have any final thoughts about weed being legal?
[ Both laughing ]
-Laughing Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen, everybody.
Thanks. Amazing that we got them on the line.
Some local news.
I read that yesterday a thief here in New York City
stole almost $60,000 worth of cigars.
Right now the suspect is said to be armed, dangerous,
and brutal to ride an elevator with.
$60,000 worth of cigars.
Don't worry. Police have already narrowed down the suspects
to every dad in Staten Island.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, in Pakistan, police officers
are using an interesting new method
to try and catch criminals. Watch this.
-[ Laughter ] -Wait.
-Those guys make mall cops on Segways
look like SEAL Team Six.
It was as if the police chief was like,
"Nope. Not lame enough.
Everyone grab the hips of the guy in front of them."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Imitating conga music ]
♪♪
So, hey, if you want to avoid police in Pakistan,
just run up a hill.