We're only 13 days out from the election, which means I have only 14 days until I can
finally unclench. But for now, I'm squeezing out diamonds, because voting is already a
stress-filled nightmare. - Fake ballot drop boxes.
- Poll taxes. - Mail delivery backlogs.
- The state website crashed. - Rejected ballots.
- Voter purging. - Limited ballot drop boxes.
- Very long lines for early voting. - Thousands of voters in limbo.
The voting system has so many traps, it's like it was designed by Jigsaw. Americans are voting
early in record numbers, which is inspiring and fills me with the kind of optimism I haven't felt
since I saw that beautiful floating plastic bag in American Beauty. That was before I knew about the
environmental damage caused by plastic bags and Kevin Spacey. Democrats have to show up because
our Jigsaw is working harder than ever to keep votes from being counted. This year alone, the RNC
and Trump's campaign plan to spend at least $20 million on legal battles combatting voting rights.
They've brought litigation in nearly every major swing state. And as always, they're doing it under
the guise of preventing "widespread voter fraud," which they still haven't proven exists, because
it f***ing doesn't. Voter fraud is basically the "imaginary girlfriend who lives in Canada" of
right-wing politics. Everyone knows it's fake, but that doesn't stop Republicans from yanking off to
it. Republicans' strategy of voter suppression is always a problem, but this year, it's a full scale
attack, starting with mail-in voting—which should make voting during a pandemic safer, unless you
live in one of these red states. All five states require an excuse other than fear of getting
COVID-19 to request a mail-in ballot. Though when you apply for one in Louisiana, they always reply,
"Who dat?" So you might as well vote in person anyway. Even voters who are able to vote by mail
have no guarantee their votes will be counted. - This year's primary, more than half a million
ballots were reportedly thrown out for simple mistakes, such as signatures not matching the
state's records, a missing signature, envelope problems, and ballots arriving after the deadline.
Jesus Christ. I thought the worst thing that would be thrown out this year was Dr.
Fauci's first pitch. That man is going to save us all, but thank god you don't end coronavirus
by throwing a ball at it. More than a million votes could be thrown out this election—partially
because mail-in voting rules are different in every state and are as
intentionally confusing as a twelve-sided Rubik’s cube. Finally, a ball Dr. Fauci can handle.
Currently, seven states require voters to obtain a witness signature to validate their ballots,
and until recently, Oklahoma only allowed you to validate your ballot with a notary public!
Unfortunately, and not to bum everyone out, but the last notary public in Oklahoma
was Timothy McVeigh. Insisting on a witness signature is always ridiculous, but demanding
one during a pandemic could put voters' health at risk. And that's not the only unnecessary
hoop mail-in voters have to jump through. - A ballot is naked when it's sent in without
a sealed security envelope. - Naked?
- Yes, naked. For years officials counted otherwise valid mail-in ballots even if they
didn't have the secrecy envelope. But the Trump campaign challenged that practice and last month
the Pennsylvania Supreme Court ruled that counting naked ballots is a violation of election law.
In Pennsylvania, more than 100,000 naked ballots could get thrown out this year,
which matters, because in 2016, Trump won the state by only 44,000 votes.
And yet, the state of Pennsylvania was completely uninterested in my awareness campaign: "No Ballot
Glove, No Ballot Love." Once mail-in ballots arrive at the Board of Elections, they still
may be invalidated. Republicans are pulling out all the stops, including arguing that the ballot's
signature has to strictly match the one states have on file. In 2018, 67,000 ballots were thrown
out for signature mismatches. Even the guy who signed his name as a dick and balls didn't match
because previously, it was soft. Even getting the postage right for your ballot can be confusing.
- In New York, you’ll have to provide your own postage.
- In California, the return postage is prepaid. - In this case,
70 cents or two Forever stamps will do. Requiring postage is a barrier to voting for
a multitude of reasons, but what many people don't know is the Post Office will deliver your ballot
whether it has correct postage or not. It's like how OBGYNs don't just have to deliver the pretty
babies. They also have to deliver the uggos. It's their job. It's in the Hippocratic Oath.