Today we're going to be splitting some hairs
that are very important hairs to split;
Just about everywhere in the self-help,
self-development, psychology and spiritual field
you're going to hear about the fear of success.
It's all too common to hear people say:
"I think I'm just afraid of success".
The thing is,
nobody is actually afraid of success.
And if we keep perpetuating this lie
that it's possible to fear success
specifically,
we are gonna fail to identify
what it is that we're actually afraid of and actually resistant to,
and as a result
we're not gonna make any headway towards our desires.
Please pause and read before you watch this video:
There is No Such Thing as The Fear of Success
To succeed is to accomplish an aim or a purpose.
It is to achieve what you want.
No one is actually afraid of achieving what they want.
What they are afraid of
is that some unwanted thing
is going to piggyback on whatever they want
and there's an association that they have formed
between that unwanted thing
and the thing that they want.
What this all adds up to
is that in order to avoid that unwanted thing,
you're going to do everything to not take those necessary steps
towards your success.
Let's imagine that you love trees
and you really want to go sit under one,
but you have an association between trees and snakes
and you happen to be completely terrified of snakes.
Snakes are the unwanted thing.
You would resist going and sitting under the tree.
It would be ridiculous for someone to turn to you and say:
"I think you're just afraid of trees".
Not only that, it could send you on a wild goose chase. Right?
Because if you were like: "Yeah, maybe that's my problem.
Maybe down deep I'm afraid of trees",
you're not gonna be able to solve your actual problem
because your problem isn't about trees.
We would solve the problem of the fear of trees
in a completely different way
than we would solve the problem of the fear of snakes.
Why would we solve these problems differently?
Because they're completely different problems.
There are a great many things
that people may actually be afraid of
when they say that they're afraid of success.
To give you an idea of what I mean
I'm gonna give you just a few examples;
The first example
is a person may say they're "afraid of success"
when what they're really afraid of
is that they don't have what it takes
to maintain that success once they have it,
and so they feel as if
that inability to maintain that success
is gonna make them suffer,
and make the people in their lives suffer.
So, the real fear here
is that we don't have what it takes
to keep our success, instead of lose it.
#2.
The terror of how people are going to react to our triumph.
So the real fear here
is the fear of negative reaction on behalf of others.
#3. The fear that success will garner unwanted attention.
A lot of people are terrified of attention
so the real fear here is attention.
#4. The fear that we may lose connection
with somebody we care about
as a result of us succeeding or getting what we want.
So, the real fear here is the loss of connection.
#5. The fear of being seen and opening ourselves to scrutiny.
So the real fear here is the vulnerability
regarding negative public opinion.
Six the fear that we're gonna lose something
as a result of getting what we want.
Some cherished thing.
Maybe it's a way of being,
maybe it's a place we live,
whatever it is we feel like getting what we want
is going to make it so we lose that thing.
So again, the real fear here is the loss of something precious.
#7. Potentially we fear the loss of belonging
that we have with people that we love
as a result of us getting what we want or succeeding in some way.
We may even fear ostracization by them
as a result of getting what we want.
So really the genuine fear here
is the fear of social separation.
#8. The fear that success will cause others to use us
and take what is ours
regardless of the impact on us.
So the real fear here is parasitic dynamics in relationship.
#9. The fear that if we succeed
people's expectations of us will increase.
So really, this is the fear of pressure
and also the fear
of letting other people down or disappointing them.
You get what I mean now, right?
So that you can understand this Dynamic
I've got an example for you;
Our example begins with Nolan.
Nolan is on a partial scholarship at college for baseball.
Nolan is in fact,
the very best player on his team.
He's so good in fact that he definitely could turn pro,
but when he had the chance to go professional
he chose to be practical and go to college instead.
He also chose a college where he could guarantee
that he would be the best player on a worse team.
Quite frankly,
this behavior in these choices
are driving Nolan's coach and teammates absolutely nuts.
They're also driving his girlfriend completely nuts.
His coaches often told him:
"I think you're really just afraid of success"
But that's not what's really going on.
Shall we see what's really going on?
Nolan's sister was born with a severe mental disability.
severe enough that Nolan's entire family
revolves around her and her needs.
It is something that caused Nolan a lot of pain.
But Nolan was taught
that the right way to feel towards his sister was pity
and the right thing to do for his sister
was to sacrifice himself for her well-being.
When he played with her
he was always encouraged to do worse
so that she could feel better and more confident about herself.
Nolan learned that this was not only
the only way to be a good person,
it was also the right way to love his sister.
He feels like becoming a professional sports star
is unfair to her.
He feels like he would be leaving her in the gutter
to this life that's painful that she was born into,
while he goes and lives his best life.
Essentially, he's afraid
that he would be leaving her in the dust.
As a result of this,
he feels like he would be increasing her suffering
and like he would be an absolutely evil person.
Nolan is not afraid of success.
He's afraid of hurting his sister.
And by virtue of doing so,
being an incredibly bad person
who not only loses connection with his sister because of this,
but also the rest of his family.
What is he doing as a result?
He is sabotaging his own success
so as to avoid that unwanted experience.
If Nolan here got hooked on the idea that what he fear is a success,
he might attend seminars
where he's encouraged to visualize
what he wants happening on a daily basis.
He might read books
about how to conquer the self-defeating thoughts
that tell you that you're not good enough.
And the thing is is none of this would work
because that's not the actual problem.
In order to succeed and progress,
Nolan has to face the actual problem,
which is his early experiences with his sister and his family
and the beliefs he has adopted from those experiences
regarding what he must do to maintain closeness with them
and to be a good person in general.
If we keep perpetuating this lie
that it is possible to fear success,
we will keep making success the smoke screen or the scapegoat
that prevents us from seeing
what it is that we are genuinely afraid of
and genuinely resistant to.
I.e. the real problem.
If we seem to be sabotaging our own success
we're only gonna get somewhere
if we're brave enough to really see
what unwanted thing it is, specifically,
that we think is going to piggyback
on with that thing that we are wanting.
To do this, close your eyes and imagine achieving what you want.
Let yourself play it out completely.
See how that achievement changes or doesn't change
each different section of your life.
And your relationship with each different person and thing
and place in your life.
See what your mind tells you is the reality of what will happen
as a result of achieving what you want.
Then answer this question:
If I achieve what I want
what bad thing would it mean?
Or what bad thing would happen?
Once you have that answer,
the real work is about directly addressing
that thing that you're afraid of or that unwanted thing.
Because that is the real problem,
not the getting of what you do want.
Have a good week.
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I wanna thank you personally
for the bravery that you have to step into awareness.
I'll see you in the next video.
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