I know you're armed to the teeth.
I'm saying though, what if we flip it
and now you have a bandolier of throwing harmonicas.
I do.
Which you can play them kind of like...
Wait you already have those?
Well, you can throw them.
Yeah. The key is like, here's a harmonica,
see now, if you look at the front of it,
it's kinda almost like a blade, these are the corner,
that's the business end right there, you just wanna (swish)
give it a nice little flat throw.
What if you just ended me right now,
just right between the eyes.
He goes, “And let me tell you something,
I'm razor precise with this thing.”
Eh, I used to be.
And I owe Jay something from '09.
We went to the documentary, 'Swiped',
We ain't though it yet.
Yeah, we ain't through it. It's gonna be a two-parter.
But we're having fun with it. Fo sho.
Turns out a lot longer than we thought we were.
Were you trying to be popular?
I was desperately trying to not be seen in eighth grade
and you're saying all camera ready.
I was trying to be liked by everybody.
They are all camera ready.
But I wasn't like... I just hoped everyone liked me
and then my friends were kinda like the bad kids
so I just didn't want to get bullied by them.
I just think there was a thing, a part of growing up that would,
people went too far with everything obviously.
There was gluttony in everything, but I mean,
bullying in the loosest usage of the term
just sort of regulated things.
Well I tell yeah what didn't.
It also drove me towards passions.
Like if everybody...
If you're a fat kid I don't know if it's important for everybody
to go it doesn't matter, you're beauti-,
you're an amazing person. It doesn't matter.
Oh, but also for your health, you should probably not be fat.
Christine brought that up with the plus size model industry
where they're like praising these women that are,
you said, dangerously overweight.
Yeah. Yeah.
They are moderately hot pigs. Every one of 'em.
You said what, Christine?
I saw an ad the other day that got me really upset.
I think it'd be like putting an anorexic woman up
as a model and saying, "This is beautiful."
No, this is a sickness, this person needs help.
Yeah.
You know, or a drug addict, like, it's crazy.
Yeah, but you also don't,
I mean, with an anorexic girl you are like sad and bummed out,
but with like a really heavy girl you're probably like,
"God damn that food though."
I see, now you know what she really needs?
A little shot in the chops.
I mean what was ...
Oh that's when everybody goes, "Obese girl?
You know what she needs? "A little boobettes”
I like- Popper just steps in and he goes,
"I know how to heckle anyone."
Dude, that's one of the funniest things ever.
I thought about that twenty minutes after him leaving,
I was still laughing at that.
Any female, he goes, "You can heckle..."
You can heckle Florence, watch.
"Oh my little..." You're fat!
Yeah.
When I hear that buzzing in my noise,
it's a bully calling me fat!
We never really went in to that cause John walked in.
No, there was so much...
Yeah, this ad upset me.
That ad. Yeah, this ad upset me.
Do you have... ew.
Yeah, that's dangerous.
It's dangerous. It's absolutely dangerous,
and it's somebody promoting, sickness is beauty.
I wanna see a pillow case full of dimes.
Can you take me to the bank?
And you're like ," Ah man..."
Is she trying to find a Coinstar machine
to get rid of all that?
It's an ad for clothes.
It's like a clump suit.
It's zero zero to forty, which is fine,
it's not like women that are size forty
shouldn't have clothes to buy,
it's just a weird thing to normalize.
Her cankles are the thinnest thing on her body.
But yours, yeah, you're saying they show this
and they're like," Hey, this is..."
They should pose that with like, "Hey do you need help?
Do you have a food addiction? Like call this number."
It shouldn't be modeled as like, you know...
Yes bitch. Be big. Be bold. Be.
Have tingly feelings in your arms.
Yeah, diabetes.
Yeah girl, get the bottoms of those feet round.
Heart failure... Sexy.
Do you like having strokes in your thirties?
Then be big you bad bitch.
Do you sweat butter? Then you'll love it.
Do you have memory loss cause your heart is over working
and you flash and you pass out?
Be bad you big bitch.
Do you like chocolate so much you don't give a shit
about the right side of your face?
Yeah. Have you woke up driving a car?
Be big and beautiful.
Are your utensils not big enough?
Does your piss smell like a bag of sugar?
Are you in 24-7 ketosis?
You're right, dude!
It's like there is a point, right?
This is fucked up! It's sick!
It's all just like everybody is ...
It's like the way booze,
like beer commercials eventually in the nineties
had to start being like,
"Please drink responsibly."
Yeah, I was just hot chicks and ...
Have you ever thought, "Why don't they make socks wider?"
Do you find sweat pants suffocating?
Be big, you bad bitch. You big, beautiful, bad bitch.
Did you Christopher a dog?
Because you didn't realize that your bichon frise was on the couch?
Did your niece ... Are your cats in your folds?
Did you find a remote in a fold?
Be big, be beautiful.
Did your niece run out of thread
trying to make you a friendship necklace?
Yeah. But it is man, it's like the way the beer commercials
were back in the eighties, like,
"Spuds McKenzie! Even the dog gets drunk!"
And then in the nineties they are like,
"Please drink responsibly, turns out this shit
just rots your liver."
Don't get the dog drunk.
Stop feeding alcohol to party animals.
There is no such things as a party animal.
All doing Jagermeister?
They can't process alcohol the way we can.
When Jagermeister called me on that tour to say,
"No jokes about drinking irresponsibly,
or anything sexual and alcohol related."
That's how Guinness was when I worked for Guinness.
I can do sex jokes, but if I go...
if I even went, "She came over, we had a few drinks... "
Like just something like that, they are like no no no.
Yeah they did a thing where...
You can fuck this girl in this joke all you like
but do not give her alcohol.
You do it, she better be stone sober.
You better enjoy the ride of Jager,
but she better be stone sober.
I'm like, "What? Do these things go together a lot?"
Why, have you found too much alcohol and sex
to be problematic?
We straddle a billion dollar fine line.
It's been a thing.
It's been a problem, but we can't, but drink responsibly!
Cinco de Mayo!
It was weird to work for a large alcohol company,
cause they were like,
“Here's what you can and can not say.
Like, you can not say this or you will lose your job.”
And I wasn't trying to go back to waiting tables.
I know but it's like only their one thing.
You're like, “Can I draw a picture of Muhammad?”
And they're like, "Yeah, that's fine, sure."
Yeah, oh absolutely, do you want to like, fuck it?
You should probably fuck it.
A bunch of people are probably like,
"I don't think I want to do that at all."
And they go
Draw Muhammad, squeezing tits and just fuck it.
Fuck it. Make him have a big old dick and big titties.
And you like, "Okay, can I say like I've had too many,
I had so many Guinness he looked... "
Do not say that.
Do not say you drank enough Guinness
to fuck the cartoon trans ...
How about I drank enough Guinness to draw Muhammad,
yeah still, no.
No. Sorry. It has to be a sober act.
Sorry dude.
I would never do that sober.
When you're drinking Guinness, you just better be in a nice,
fog covered field in a wagon.
In an itchy sweater with two of your Irish friends.
Laughing and drinking.
Ah dude. It's so funny to see who's like,
cause there's people that are like, into Guinness.
And I was like Guinness ambassador.
Can you look up a list of Guinness myths?
There's so many great ones.
They say there is fish gel in it.
They said that like,
I always heard that there's meat in the bottom of the barrels.
There ain't no meat.
It's rats in the barrel, Hell yeah.
... that make it to be a certain way.
When I met Furgo Murray, the Brewmaster of Guinness,
and it was quite a time...
He was covered in rats like a Tori Amos video.
He was all rats in a mans suit.
What if I told yeah that they came together like Voltron?
He was made of seven hundred rats.
Fun fascinating fact.
That's actually the new Guinness point.
The old point.
These are the myths?
Yeah, but they're not...
Guinness is good for you, well, it's alcohol.
Guinness is black. I knew that.
It's not actually. It's amber.
I knew it wasn't black.
Yeah dude, it was pretty crazy.
I was more for like, "Guinness cures cancer.",
or something like that.
Aw, no. It's funny see all their, you know,
we were talking about commercials.
This is what led us to here, but all the old commercials ones.
Look up, "Old Guinness Commercials."
Cause they are like, "Guinness gives you strength." That's how they marketed it.
They are like, "Did you have a long day at work?
Drink a couple Guinness."
The Irish work force has alcoholism out of control.
I'm not stupid to think,
wasn't there like ads for cigarettes
saying there are benefits for you?
Yeah, back in the thirties and forties and shit.
Mm-hmm.
They said smoking... Look it up! It's what Beau said.
Like finding out your therapist has a Twitter.
You start hacking up and coughing
and having a lot of stuff pretty few months into smoking.
Did anyone ever make an ad for it months into it that was like,
"Oh guys, you know what, like I don't know if good for you
but it's not feeling good."
Look at the print ads.
Oh, when you start smoking, you're like...
Well, I'm saying.
How many months in before you're like, "Whew.
I actually am feeling smoking." Not many.
And so to have commercials at all that are like,
"This is good for you." It goes, "No.
If you're smoking you already know this sucks."
Within five years of smoking.
No matter how many commercials are on.
You feel it when you breathe.
And you go, "It's a problem now."
But, was this the mind frame different, where they're like,
"It's not a problem. That's actually strength.
Those are strength wheezes." See look.
There it is, Guinness for strength.
Guinness for strength.
So just drink this and get strong. There's uh ...
If you drink enough of it
you think you can lift anything though.
Christine, can you look up which country,
I believe it might be in Bermuda or something,
where there is a myth where if you drink Guinness extra stout,
it's good for your potency, for your cum.
Like make a shot on the nuts and a pint of Guinness
will make any load bear you a strong boy.
If you drink enough you'll cum Guinness.
I go, "Alright now, I'm gonna drink this Guinness,
and you just smack me in the nuts. Ready. Go."
I'll tell ya why I hate it.
I don't like any beer that's not carbonated.
I don't even understand it.
Oh what, you mean that swamp water
that they had me drinking for two years?
I don't understand, uh...
No, it was actually delicious. I enjoyed it.
Guinness?
Dude, I enjoy. I like Guinness. So I was fine with it.
There did get a point where I didn't like it.
Do you like it to? It's like a meal.
I didn't like it. It's flat!
I was drinking three a night, three shows a night.
Yeah.
So that's nine Guinness. Sure.
And then it was going out drinking with the crew
afterwards.
Guinness. More Guinness.
Uh, no dude. I would sneak Bud heavies.
Really?
Yeah. I got caught by my boss at Guinness.
Like a Budweiser, original.
Oh.
I went to the bar at the hotel in Ireland,
when we were there drinking in Dublin,
and I went down and had a shot of Jack Daniels and Budweiser
and the guy from Guinness came out
and was like, “Oh, what are you doing?”
I was like, “Ha ha, I was just seeing how shitty it is.”
It's like, “I have to check and see
if the other one sucks as much as I remember.”
Oh this is gross-ass rice beer
and then the whole time I was like,
“This is so sweet and delicious.”
Like a gerbil at a water thing.
You just take a little bit of it,
he goes “You have a shot.”
And he goes, “Aw, disgusting. It's just terrible.
I can't even believe I'm doing it.”
Mm, oh my God, I'm punishing myself.
I'm so sadomasochistic.
And each time you take a little bit more of the shot.
"Oh God, it's so gross. I'm not savoring it or anything.
I'm relishing in how gross it is."
When I tried quitting drinking one time,
and I got like five weeks, and I felt really good about it.
And this was before I read the book,
The Easy Way to Quit Drinking.
It was like, I felt really great about it and then they are like,
"Hey, Guinness wants you to do ten more cities."
And you know that point, where you're making money off comedy,
but if you don't have another side job it's hard.
It's like really hard.
So I was at that point where I was headlining,
not making a lot of money at all on the weekends,
and then trying to do this thing.
I was like, alright, I'll do ten more cities,
but I'll try not to drink.
For some reason I thought I didn't have to drink.
I was like...
Gonna put some ice tea in my cup.
No, just do a fake sip. Just like take it and be like...
The first night we're in Boston I do the three shows...
You shotgun it?
Dude, this is how much I just completely jump back in
and I'm so wishy-washy.
We go out, the president of Guinness shows up,
this Irish guy who just took over.
And he's like, “I'd like to have a pint with ya.
Let's go out and talk.”
We're just at this bar and he puts down two beers
and I'm like, well I have to drink this beer,
cause this dudes in front of me.
So I drink the beer and then I'm like,
“Let's have another one. Can we have another one?”,
and then I'm like, “Do you want to do a shot?”,
and he's like, “I would love to do a shot!"
I go out and get fucking hammered with this guy,
like fucking hammered.
I hadn't drank in five weeks and I was like,
"Do you got a pack of cigarettes on you? What's up dude?”
I was like, “You fucking tiny Mick!",
by the end of it.
I go, "This sausage finger fuck is my new best friend."
I go, "He runs Guinness anyways. I'm the ambassador.
Suck my dick!"
Dude, it became... I started blacking out,
I'm gonna be at the DC Draft House this weekend.
I can't go to DC without thinking about
when we did the Guinness shows. I got blackout drunk
and just smoked cigarettes in my hotel room,
like it was the seventies.
And then a week later I called the hotel
and I did my best official white guy voice.
There's an odd charge from my card.
Yeah! I called, I go, “There's a strange charge.”,
and all I did was say this.
The guy goes, “it was a cleaning fee.
I think you smoked in your room.”
I go, “That's funny, I don't smoke.”
And he goes, “Oh, that's weird.”
It got put back on my credit card.
It's a catch 22, they always have to give it back.
They always have to give it back.
If you call them out like, “I didn't smoke in my room.
Be like...”
Yeah, now you're calling me a smoker.
You're saying I'm a smoker. You're gonna call me a smoker.
How dare you.
Hang on, cause you're stressing me the fuck out, hang on...
Let me get a cigarette, I mean, I don't even smoke.
Um... Yeah, it was bad.
You call me a smoker, right to my ears.
And then I was taking that drinking energy on the road
when I was doing comedy.
Danny Suds Mackenzie?
Dude. Hell yeah.
Duffman. That's what all my friends called me.
Just a fucking knapsack full of Hawaiian shirts and jams.
And I go, "Dude, you ready to party?
All you need is a Miller Lite."
You know the best thing about Hawaiian shirts?
It's day gear and sleep gear.
Yeah, it's pajama-jams and day-jams. It was a...
You can't see puke on a weird landscaped shirt.
Guinness is owned by this company named Diageo,
and they are like a major alcohol company.
They own Johnny Walker, Jose Cuervo, Smirnoff.
They own most major brands.
They have an office over on 45th and 5th,
and if you are an employee they have a full bar.
Lou, don't jizz in your pants.
You can walk in and you are not allowed to tip the bartenders.
Do they need an engineer?
And you can drink whatever you want.
So, I would be like...
Always?
If you are an employee of Diageo,
you can go have a drink at the bar when you want.
Of anything.
So I just went and had a Johnny Walker Blue,
like at the bar. Just like, "Alright."
And by the way it was when I was doing a Monday night.
Christine just creamed her jeans.
Yeah! But it was a Monday night
when I was doing a show at Caroline's,
and I showed up drunk to Caroline's.
I was like, "What time am I on?"
And the are like, "It's nine. How are you this drunk?"
I was like, "I went by Diageo at like five o'clock."
And you don't tip. You just sit there.
The most awkward time of my life was,
and you'll know this as a cigarette smoker,
was leaving to go smoke a cigarette
and then trying to get back in
without looking like a raging alcoholic.
Cause I left and I was like, “Alright bye everybody!”
And then I'm just downstairs, and I'm like,
“I'm gonna go back up and fucking have a Guinness Black
and another shot of...”
And then trying to get back in like,
This fucking rules!
“Yeah, is Christine here?”
That was the girl I knew that worked there. Kristen.
And I was like, "Can I talk to Kristen?"
Do you? She's totally cool.
"Let me back in."
Trying to grab the door... "Just let me back in."
Yeah, she tries to close it
but you put you your foot back in.
"No no, just wait. I'm saying her name right. Kristen?"
"Did I say something mean to Andy the bartender
I thought we were friends.
I told him I was gonna smoke, he said it's be cool."
I think I left my wallet inside.
Do you mind if I smoke in the stairwell?
What?
Give me one thing!
Give me one thing?
Just do one thing for me!
Just do one of the things I'm asking!
Why won't you do one of the things for me?
I'm meeting you halfway.
The most pathetic weekends of my life
were where I was on the road
and I was like, “I'm not drinking this weekend”"
And then you're talking like that and they're like,
“You have media in four hours.” And you're like “ ... your media.”
You're the one who's fucking the media up.
Whatever. I'm gonna wake up fresh as a daisy.
Then you wake up and everything is sideways until ...
I'm gonna go puke this, okay?
I wanna love you and I wanna move to Syracuse
and be with you. I think we should be together.
Let's just take over this little radio station
together me and you, he goes,
"Ah, sorry, our guest seems to be a little weird.
This is Woody and The Scooch on so..."
And he goes, "Why don't you guys just turn these microphones off
and lets just be together."
Can we talk like we did when I walked in?
Ah, we're getting a little uncomfortable here.
Fifth caller is gonna get free tickets to Dan's show.
He goes, "I don't even wanna do a show.
I wanna get a little cottage with you two."
Can I show you me?
Coming back with the five, tickets for Dan Soder.
He's gonna be at The Funny Bone.
Don't know what his acts about. You've seen him on Geico
and he's a little out of it right now.
Can I show you me? What is that?
Can I show you. Me?
I wanna show you. I wanna be with you though.