-Welcome. Enjoy yourself. Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show."
You're here. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheering and applause ] Yeah!
Well, guys, this weekend is
the annual White House Correspondents' Dinner.
It's the black tie event attended by the president,
celebrities, and journalists,
and I'm hearing that Tucker Carlson
and Don Lemon are expected to be there.
[ Laughter and applause ]
As waiters, but, still, they're going to --
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
Yeah, President Biden will get up and tell jokes.
It's fun because it's the one night a year
Biden gets laughs on purpose.
[ Laughter and applause ] And, you know, at Biden's age,
the hardest part of doing stand-up is
the standing up.
[ Laughter, oohs, and applause ]
Presidents always tell jokes
at the White House Correspondents' Dinner,
but we're not the only country with that tradition.
Yep, just last weekend, Vladimir Putin appeared
at the Kremlin Correspondents' Dinner.
[ Laughter ] Here's how it went.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Feedback whines ]
[ Laughter and applause ] -There we go.
[ Cheering and applause ]
"Oh, yeah."
[Indistinct]
Well, last night, former President Trump
held a rally in New Hampshire,
where he unveiled his new nickname
for President Biden. -Oh. -Mm.
-Now, he's had over two years to think about this.
[ Laughter ] Let's see what he came up with.
-This is going to be a major announcement.
Are you ready? I will be retiring
the name Crooked from Hillary Clinton.
-[ Protesting ] -I'm going to retire the name Crooked,
so that we can use the name for Joe Biden.
[ Cheering ] He'll be known, from now on, as Crooked Joe Biden.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-A little lazy. I don't know.
Pretty lazy with the names. I'm starting to understand
how he came up with Don Jr., you know?
[ Laughter and applause ]
I was hoping for something better than that.
Even Biden was like, "How'd you miss Sloppy Joe?
[ Laughter and applause ] Come on."
Biden actually wants to give Trump a nickname,
but nothing's funnier than one term.
[ Laughter and ohhs ] -Ah!
[ Cheering and applause ] Come on! -Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh! -Yeah! Come on!
-Ooh! Use that this weekend.
Use that at the dinner, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Trump wasn't just coming up with nicknames.
He also said that he and Biden
have some unfinished business to settle.
[ Laughter and oohs ] -Trump was like --
[ As Trump ] I know how to finish business.
That's why all my businesses are finished.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheering ]
Get this -- despite Trump's best efforts to block it,
Mike Pence testified for over five hours
in front of the grand jury investigating January 6th.
Wow, five hours of Mike Pence testimony.
[ Laughter ]
The grand jury was like, "Hey, Trump did the crime.
Why are we being punished? I don't understand what's happening."
[ Laughter and applause ] Just to keep everyone awake,
they pumped oxygen into the room like it was Caesars Palace.
There you go. [ Laughter and applause ]
Some more political news -- next month,
Republican Senator Tim Scott
is expected to launch his presidential campaign.
The only thing is a lot of people
aren't familiar with Tim Scott
or with other senators, for that matter,
so, I thought I'd help you out really quick.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ This is Tim ♪
♪ This is Rick ♪
♪ This is Tim ♪
♪ But isn't him ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ Two Tims ♪
♪ Diff names ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ Tim, Rick, Tim, Tom ♪
♪ Tom, Jim, Rick Scott ♪
♪ Jim, Tim, Tom's their name ♪
♪ Also Thom, but with an H ♪
[ Laughter ] ♪ Mark, Bob, Mark, Bob ♪
♪ Rick, Rick, Markwayne ♪
[ Laughter ] ♪ Bob, Mark, Bob, Todd ♪
♪ Ed Markey, back to Kaine ♪
[ Laughter ] ♪ John and John and John and John ♪
♪ And John and John and John, okay? ♪
♪ Also Jon, also Jon ♪
♪ But those last two don't have an H ♪
♪ Tim, Tom, Jim, Bob, Markwayne, Rick Scott ♪
♪ Tim, Tom, Jim Risch ♪
♪ Rickroll, Tim Scott ♪
[ Cheering and applause ] [ Rimshot ]
-Wow!
-I hope that was helpful.
I hope that was helpful. -Oh, good, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Hey, listen to this -- today officials announced that,
ahead of King Charles' coronation,
the historic stone called the Stone of Scone
[ Laughter ] has left Scotland and it's on its way to London.
Yeah, the Stone of Scone.
Not to be confused with the scone of stone
that's in every Starbucks display case.
[ Laughter and applause ] Like, how old is that sucker?
-Krrkh! -[ Smoker's voice ] What year is it?
[ Laughter ] Some entertainment news --
there's a new Smurfs movie in the works
[ Cheering and applause ] and Rihanna has signed on to do the voice of Smurfette.
[ Cheering and applause ] -Ooh.
-They already released an early clip and I think
it's going to be big. Take a look at this.
-Sorry, Smurfette,
I don't have the gold coins to pay you back.
Can you forgive me?
-♪ Bitch better have my money ♪
[ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah, just interesting.
Different take, -Wow.
-Different take on it, but looks good.
Kids are going to love it. -Kids are going to love it 100%.
[ Laughter ] Guys, I saw
a new mermaid statue in Italy is causing controversy
because some people think it's too provocative.
I'm going to show you a picture. Take a look at this.
Wow. -Ooh.
[ Laughter ]
It was made by the artist
Leonardo da Mix-a-Lot.
[ Laughter ]
-♪ Buns ♪ -Finally, you guys,
it's the last weekend of April,
so, I thought it'd be nice
to give a little recap of the entire month.
Here we go.
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Tapping ]
♪ The month of April's come and gone ♪
♪ Not a great one for the Don ♪
♪ Trump thinks he can take on Biden ♪
♪ Even though ♪
-He was indicted.
[ Laughter ]
-♪ DeSantis eyeing the White House ♪
♪ But first attacking Mickey Mouse ♪
[ Laughter ] ♪ It's been such a weird encounter ♪
♪ Not as weird as ♪
-The new Flounder.
[ Laughter ]
-♪ Goodbye, Bed Bath & Beyond ♪
♪ Bedsheets, Swiffers, toilet wands ♪
[ Laughter ] ♪ What a sad development ♪
♪ Your coupons are ♪
-Completely irrelevant.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-♪ Fox News and CNN ♪
♪ Tucker Carlson, Don Lemon ♪
♪ Neither of them were promoted ♪
♪ They had a job ♪
-Then it exploded.
[ Laughter ]
-♪ "Succession" bombshell, HBO ♪
♪ Everyone saw "Mario" ♪
♪ Twitter checkmarks cost eight bucks, but ♪
-No one real gives a [bleep].
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
-♪ April's done and May's on deck ♪
♪ They're both sponsored by Zyrtec ♪
♪ On 4/20, we got high-o ♪
♪ So let's get lit on ♪
♪ Cinco de Mayo ♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
We have a great show!
Let's go write some Thank You Notes. Come on, now.
[ Cheering and applause ] -[ Playing funk ] -[ Rapping indistinctly ]
♪♪
-Today is Friday!
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
♪ Today is Friday ♪
-♪ Friday ♪
-♪ Say Friday ♪
-♪ Friday ♪
-♪ Say fried egg ♪
-♪ Friday ♪
-♪ Friday, Friday, Friday ♪
No, I don't know what -- I'm sorry.
Can't stop rapping. -Yeah.
-It is Friday. I'm feeling the weekend vibes, right?
-Oh, my God! -I need the weekend. Come on.
[ Cheering and applause ] Working for the weekend.
Usually, this is when I catch up on some personal stuff.
I check my inbox and I return some emails.
Of course, I send out thank you notes
and I was just running a bit -- Do you guys mind if I --
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
James, can I get some
thank you note writing music, please?
-[ Playing tender tune ]
[ Laughter ]
-Wow!
[ Laughter ]
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, Miami Heat and Phoenix Suns logos,
for showing us that even basketballs come in Flamin' Hot.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
Flamin' Hot.
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, original Flounder and new Flounder,
for looking like how someone looks on Tinder,
versus who actually shows up for the date.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
You're Flounder?
-Wow! -Wow!
-I guess I see it in the eyes.
-Yeah, I guess so, yeah. It says here...
-I take your word for it.
-...Flounder's 6'2", apparently.
-You have any ID?
[ Laughter ]
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, James Corden, for being the only TV host
who left their job this week by choice.
[ Laughter, cheering, whistling, and applause ]
-Love you, bud. -Hey!
-Good job, buddy. Gonna miss you.
[ Laughter ]
He's a good dude.
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, Roman soldiers,
for being the toughest people in history to wear a broom.
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, English bulldogs,
for being jacked beagles.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
Yoked!
-Slobbering! -Yoked!
[ Laughter ]
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, the White House Correspondents' Dinner,
for being nicknamed Nerd Prom,
[ Laughter ] or, as I called that in high school,
prom. [ Awws, laughter, and applause ]
Love you, Lydee.
Hi, Lydee, I love you!
There you have it, those are my Thank You Notes.