-Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show," everybody. You're here.
[ Cheers and applause ] That's a hot crowd.
Guys, I hope everyone's having a good fall/summer/sauna.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, here in New York City,
the temperature was up in the high 70s.
Yeah, apparently, we turned the clocks back an hour
and the calendar by four months.
[ Laughter ]
Usually when you hear "November" and "mid 70s,"
it's about every candidate running for president.
[ Laughter ]
Well, speaking of New York City,
this weekend was the New York City Marathon.
And congrats to any of the runners out there watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Anyone in the audience run the marathon?
[ Cheers and applause ] Hey!
Congratulations.
You had a lot of support out there --
people handing out water, Gatorade, bananas, I saw.
I saw a lot of people with signs,
some signs I've never seen before.
It's kind of odd. I took some pictures.
Take a look at this. This one said...
[ Laughter ]
-Wow.
-Then there was this one. It says...
[ Laughter ] Why would you --
And finally, I saw this one that said...
[ Laughter ] You know that's not --
Doesn't help anyone.
-I think he knows. -Let's get to some news.
Big week in politics, 'cause tomorrow is Election Day.
Yep, as we speak, Instagram is being flooded with two things --
marathon medals and "I voted" stickers.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, the midterms are tomorrow,
which means you're gonna see a lot of people
walking around with their "I voted" stickers.
And this year, there's actually
a bunch of voting stickers to choose from.
For instance, there's the...
[ Laughter ]
Next, there's...
[ Laughter ]
Next up...
[ Laughter ]
Next, there's...
[ Laughter ]
And finally...
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Yeah, but it -- [ Both laugh ]
Speaking of midterms, on Saturday, President Biden,
former president Obama, and former president Trump
were all campaigning in Pennsylvania at the same time.
'Cause there's no better way to win over voters
than by shutting down every highway in the entire state.
[ Laughter ]
And during his rally in Pennsylvania,
people were talking about how Trump came up
with a new nickname for Florida governor Ron DeSantis.
Listen to this.
-We're winning big, big, big
in the Republican Party for the nomination.
Trump at 71%.
Ron DeSanctimonious at 10%. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah. "Ron DeSanctimonious."
[ Laughter ]
Trump doesn't even know what that means.
He thought he was casting a Harry Potter spell on him.
He was like, "Ron Expecto DeSanctimonius."
[ Laughter ]
"Expecto Sanctimonius! Ron.
I should've just went with Ron Weasley.
That was right there. Why didn't I do --"
[ Laughter ]
Well, with the midterm elections tomorrow,
there's not much time left to learn about the candidates,
so we thought we'd help you out by showing you
all of their campaign ads at once.
It's time for a "Campaign Cram." Here we go.
♪♪
-Hi. -Hello.
-Hey. -I'm running for...Congress.
Because...in this country, we...make breakfast.
-And...I shot my...mom... for no good reason at all.
It was sneaky... but...I don't care.
She was a...racist, and...I am...damn proud of it.
So...for some reason, I approve this message.
♪♪
-There you go. [ Cheers and applause ]
There you go. Make the right choice.
[ Applause ]
Meanwhile, tomorrow, several states will vote
on recreational marijuana legalization.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And politicians on both sides of the aisle
are speaking out about it.
Here, check out what some of them are trying to say here.
First up, Congressman Michael Cloud said...
[ Laughter ]
And Congressman Ted Budd said...
[ Laughter ]
Up next, Senator Tom Cotton said...
[ Laughter ]
And Congressman Jared Huffman said...
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Congressman Colin Allred said...
[ Laughter ]
Congresswoman Anna Eshoo said...
[ Laughter ]
Congressman Don Bacon said...
[ Laughter ]
[ Rimshot ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Don...
-He didn't understand.
Then Congressman Dan Newhouse said...
[ Laughter ]
Congressman Barry Moore said...
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, Senator Roy Blunt said...
Yeah, there you go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You guys see everyone's talking about Elon Musk
taking over Twitter, and now a bunch of people
have been tweeting under the name Elon Musk.
[ Laughter ]
So they're saying stuff that he wouldn't normally say.
Now Elon is threatening to ban impersonation accounts
that don't label themselves as parody.
Of course, nobody knows whether Elon Musk said that
or if it was from a parody account.
[ Laughter ] Sounds right.
Hey, I want to say congratulations to
the Houston Astros on winning the 2022 World Series.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's a big -- It's big for Astros star pitcher
Justin Verlander. He's almost 40,
just won his second championship,
and he's married to a supermodel.
Tom Brady was like,
[voice breaking] "Congratulations."
[ Laughter ]
I heard that more than 50 students in Texas
may have to retake their SATs after the test sheets
flew out of a UPS truck.
[ Audience groans ]
Students should've known this was going to happen
because one of the questions on the test was,
"If a UPS truck is driving at 50 miles per hour
with the trunk open..." [ Laughter ]
"And another UPS --"
Get this -- a JCPenney in Pennsylvania had to be
closed temporarily after a deer entered the store
and got into a dressing room. [ Laughter ]
That story, again -- JCPenney is so empty,
it's actually being reclaimed by nature.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Get out. Get out.
My place. Get out."
[ Chuckles ]
Well, listen to this -- a New York fugitive
who had been on the run for almost a year
was just caught at Disney World.
[ Laughter ] Yep, they caught him
right before he crossed the international border into Epcot.
[ Laughter ]