Unknown Speaker 0:07 Are you thinking about having sex
for the first time ever? I'm feeling a little unsure a little nervous about the whole thing.
Well, today, we have got you covered with a guide for exactly what to expect,
and how to make sure that it is a great experience for you and your partner.
Unknown Speaker 0:24 But before we get into that,
if you're brand new here, we just want to say hi, this is Vanessa. I'm Xander Myrin,
Vanessa's a sex therapist. I'm a regular dude, we've been together for 14 years.
Unknown Speaker 0:34 And our account is all about
giving you the tools, tips and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship
inside of the bedroom and out. So if you are interested in that, then who isn't right, just go
ahead and hit that subscribe button. So let's get into it. And before we even start, really, we have
a simple little language swap. So typically, when people talk about having sex for the first time,
they call it losing your virginity, right. But we think that that phrase is pretty problematic for
a lot of different reasons makes it seem like you're losing something which can create more
like anxiety or build up around it. And there's just not a great phrase to use. So instead, we
really like to use the phrase making your sexual debut. So when it comes to your sexual debut,
we are going to break it down with our best tips for before, during and after your first time.
Unknown Speaker 1:27 Arzo. Let's talk about before your sexual debut,
I think the first thing that we want to call out is that the average age that people are waiting
to have sex until is increasing. In general, there are lots of people who are waiting until later in
life, to have their sexual debut. So if you are one of these people, don't feel bad. Don't judge
yourself. You have a lot of company, there are a lot of people and more and more people doing this.
Unknown Speaker 1:55 Yeah, I mean, as a sex therapist,
I worked with people in their 20s 30s 40s, even 50s, who were making their sexual debut.
And regardless of what age they were, people were really judging themselves. So we just think like,
it doesn't matter. It doesn't say anything about who you are as a person, what age you decide to
start having sex and like, please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed of this. The next tip
that we want to give you is to really make sure that you're ready for this. So because so many
people judge themselves, a lot of people are really in a rush to like get it over with you
feel like something's wrong with me, I just gotta like do this. And we want to be clear here. Like
we're not saying you have to be in love or married or in a committed relationship to have sex like,
it is okay to just have this sense of, you know what, I just want to do it and like,
have that first time be over with, but you should feel like this is something that you genuinely
want to do and not something you feel like you have to do or you're expected to do. Alright, so
Unknown Speaker 2:50 let's talk about safety and comfort. So you should
definitely have a plan in place for preventing STIs. And if Pregnancy is a possibility,
given who you're having sex with, it's a good idea to have a plan in place to prevent any unwanted
pregnancies. So you should have a good idea of what contraception options are available to you
and choose what feels right to you. Now, if the contraception that you're choosing is condoms, I
would recommend that everybody bring some condoms with them, just in case someone gets a con. Yeah,
it's better to be prepared. I think, you know, it can feel awkward, sometimes buying condoms. But
the reality is if you get together to have sex and you're expecting your partner to have a condom,
and they don't have a condom where you only have one and then you break one or something,
it's just good to be prepared, you can never have too many you will probably use them again.
Unknown Speaker 3:43 And our other tip is
to be sober. So a lot of people feel anxiety about having their sexual debut
and so a lot of people turn to alcohol or substances to try to dole that anxiety.
But we think it's really important for you to be clear headed and sober so that you can make
good decisions in the moment really give your consent just have an overall good experience. So
we think it's much better to just be sober for this first time.
Unknown Speaker 4:08 Alright, so now let's talk about
during sex so the first thing is don't expect too much first time second is rarely truly excellent
for most people. So it can be a lot easier if you just kind of have some more middling or
lower expectations because the reality is you will get better and better with time and with practice.
Unknown Speaker 4:30 This is one of the
few times will you will hear us say have low expectations.
So on a scale of one to 10 one being terrible 10 Being orgasmic what would you rate your first time
Unknown Speaker 4:41 well I did have an orgasm my first time
so it was orgasmic but i would give it a three I was I was nervous but excited and um it one quick
Unknown Speaker 4:53 I'm getting mine like maybe a five maybe a six I
was not orgasmic but it was overall like pleasant perience but these are pretty low numbers, right?
So another tip that we have during the act is to spend lots of time on foreplay. So like we
mentioned, a lot of people feel this stress and anxiety leading up to their first time
and it makes them kind of want to rush to like, just get it over with or get
to the thing. But that is just a recipe for discomfort, not a super enjoyable experience,
definitely not an orgasm. So we really think that it can be so much better to just take your time
have some foreplay, especially if you're a vulva owner, because intercourse if that's what's on
the car on the table for your sexual debut not likely to be orgasmic for you. So let yourself
have an enjoyable experience. Spend time on the things that actually feel good to you.
Unknown Speaker 5:43 Yeah. All right. And so we alluded
to this earlier, especially if there's going to be a penis involved, it is very likely that
the intercourse itself will not last that long. And that is okay. This is something that it takes
time and it takes practice to get better at and to last longer. And the reality is, this is going
to be a new, very stimulating experience. And oftentimes, there might be some nerves involved.
So at least at the very beginning, I think better to have some low expectations around
how long it's going to last and then, you know, make the goal that you improve over time.
Unknown Speaker 6:19 How long did you last your first time?
Unknown Speaker 6:22 Probably a minute at the best.
Unknown Speaker 6:25 Which really means like 20 seconds in reality,
Unknown Speaker 6:27 probably yes.
Unknown Speaker 6:28 All right, let's talk about
the pain aspect. So if you are a vulva owner, you have likely been told most of your life that your
first time having intercourse, if that's what you're having, would be really painful. And
so we want to say is that there are really a wide variety of experiences that both the owners have,
and the cause for the pain is typically the hymen. The hymen is a membrane that stretches over the
vagina. But for some people, before they've had sex, they've already broken the hymen. So I think
a lot of us have this, like the popping the cherry thing, or, you know, we have this idea, you're
gonna break diamond, it's gonna be so painful and so bloody, that a lot of people break their Hymans
using tampons, riding a bike doing other sorts of sports. So it's very likely that your hymen has
already kind of broken down, maybe it's thinner, but for some people, it is there it is thicker,
that can be bleeding, there can be a little bit of pain. For me personally, my first time was
not at all painful, I was kind of like bracing myself getting ready for the pain, but there
was nothing. So you're not really going to know what the experience is beforehand, you're really
only going to know in the moment itself. But we want to encourage you like don't push yourself
to like just grit your teeth and bear it and get through it. If you're experiencing a lot of pain,
like a little bit of discomfort, a sense of like, Ooh, this is new, that's normal. But if you're
experiencing a lot of pain, like please don't force yourself to try to just get through that
Unknown Speaker 7:51 are now another thing is don't put pressure
on everybody having an orgasm from intercourse, especially no typically we say everyone who wants
an orgasm should get an orgasm. But like we were kind of saying before, oftentimes this first time,
there can be nerves, it's a new experience, it can go quickly. So if you have this expectation
or pressure that you know it, the intercourse needs to result in specific things happening,
it's unlikely that those things will happen. So it's better to have a goal that, you know,
after we do this a couple times and keep practicing that we get to this point where
really everyone who wants to have an orgasm is having an orgasm,
and it really is wildly pleasurable for everyone. Just Not That first time probably Yeah. And
Unknown Speaker 8:37 similar to what Sandra was saying is,
don't worry if you don't really enjoy it. The first time can just be sort of weird. You're
getting a feel of like how this all works and what goes where and who does what. And
Unknown Speaker 8:49 even even as a penis owner,
it can feel really good, but it can also be really nerve wracking. And like, I don't remember my
first time is particularly enjoyable, it was probably more like scary to anxiety producing
because I put a lot of pressure on myself to like, Oh yeah, you need to last like you need to,
you need to like show how good you are. And the reality was, I was not able to do that at all.
Unknown Speaker 9:13 Actually, if you're
watching this and you already have had your sexual debut, leave us a comment down below
and let us know like was your first time super enjoyable or was it kind of like
Unknown Speaker 9:23 did you go all night?
Probably not. Alright, so let's talk a little bit about some after sex considerations. Alright,
so number one is cleanup. I think a lot of people don't realize that there is a cleanup aspect
to sex until after they have had sex and then sometimes they are a little surprised,
but roll over and go to sleep like they do in the movie. I know it's not really like it is in
the movies, unfortunately. But you know, there are bodily fluids involved and then you know,
there's going to be leakage afterwards. So that's just a reality of what happens is a good idea to
have some towels, toilet paper or clean knocks handy so that you can kind of quickly wipe up.
Unknown Speaker 10:03 And if you are the owner of a vulva,
make sure to pee afterwards. It just flushes your urethra out sometimes
bacteria can get worked up in there when you're having your
debut. And so it's just a good idea after anytime, not just a first time just to go
Unknown Speaker 10:17 pee. And then just remind yourself,
it is okay, you are not an expert after doing it one time, you know you you had your sexual
debut, but great sex is going to take practice. So just look at that first time as an opportunity
to have your debut you know, it's like opening night of a play, you're working out the kinks.
And you know, it only gets better from there.
Unknown Speaker 10:41 So have fun and welcome
to the wonderful world of being sexually active. So that wraps up our video on our tips for first
time sex. Now you may be feeling a little bit of anxiety like we were mentioning about like wanting
to get it right and know what you're doing. So we will put the link to two of our guides
in the description box below. We have a foreplay guide that really leads you through step by step
playing with a vulva and playing with a penis and just gives you tons of great tips and we have
the sex position playbook so this is a really inclusive guide that shows you at different
positions for being intimate whether there's a penis involved strap on involved
and we will put the link to that below it's really really useful like breaking down tons
of different positions exactly how to get into and out of them how to move in them how to transition
in between them some adventures, so we will put that for the description box for you to check out.
Unknown Speaker 11:34 All right, we really
hope that you enjoyed this video if you did, please give it a like that helps us so much.
Also hit the red button to subscribe to our Youtube channel and hit the notification icon so
you keep getting notified as soon as you post more videos. Thanks for watching. See you next time.