(audience clapping)
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Wow New York.
Whoa you guys look cool.
(audience laughing)
I'm cool too.
(audience laughing)
Thank you.
I'm cool.
I have one tattoo, so.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Thank you, good night.
(audience laughing)
I do, I have one tattoo.
I got it when I was like 16.
It's some Hebrew writing on my ribs
but the only thing is I have gained and lost
and gained and lost a little bit of weight since I got it.
So my tattoo has sort of like, now it's in English.
(audience laughing)
And I got this tattoo when my grandpa died
but it's on like a sexy spot
(audience laughing)
on my body.
So you know, men see it and they're like
(mumbles)
I don't write for men well.
(audience laughing)
You know, men talk (mumbles),
but yeah, men see my tattoo and they're like,
"Ooh, I like that.
"What does that mean?"
And I have to be like, "It's for my dead Jewish grandpa."
(audience laughing)
And then they get so much blood in their boner, it explodes.
(audience laughing)
I'm a virgin.
It keeps happening.
(audience laughing)
But I am Jewish.
I was raised Jewish.
(audience cheers and applauds)
Oh thank you, Fans.
(audience laughing)
Raised, I was raised Jewish
but my parents aren't together so I'd like spend the year
with my mom and we'd do Jewish stuff like complain.
(audience laughing)
Complain, control the weather.
(audience laughing)
Isn't the control the weather thing so funny
because it's like, okay, if you believe just maybe then
everyone just be nicer to Jewish people.
(audience laughing)
No more global warming.
(audience laughing)
Maybe everyone laugh harder at my jokes.
(audience laughing)
Right and then we can get plastic straws back everywhere.
(audience laughing)
I'll bring it up in the meeting, I swear if it goes well.
(audience laughing)
But yeah, Jewish stuff during the year and then
in the summer I'd be with my dad and his family
and they're Catholic.
So in the summer I'd do Catholic stuff, like complain
about Jewish people.
(audience laughing)
And every summer my Catholic family would send me
to Catholic summer horse camp.
(audience laughing)
It's like a sleepaway camp where you go and you ride horses
and you love the Lord.
(audience laughing)
Okay, instead of whatever you're doing in the summer.
Getting fingered or something.
(audience laughing)
Disgusting, ladies.
(audience laughing)
Not me.
(audience laughing)
Not I.
(audience laughing)
Riding horses and loving the Lord is just a bit better.
(audience laughing)
And I went to this camp for so long I became too old
to be a camper there, I became a camp counselor
at Catholic summer horse camp.
And it's just ridiculous.
I'm Jewish, right?
I'm Jewish, they're all Catholic, the horses are Muslim.
Like-
(audience laughing)
What are we doing?
And also just quick aside, I grew up with like all Muslim,
like, Arab Muslims so I feel like it's cool
to make like just a weird little joke
and if you don't believe me,
you can look at my high school yearbook.
All of our school photos were taken
in front of a Maserati like this.
(audience laughing)
Wearing white jeans.
(audience laughing)
It's a deep cut, but.
(audience laughing)
But I was just at a Catholic wedding.
Someone in my family was getting married.
And you guys know at Catholic weddings, in the church,
there's always a point where everybody needs a break
from all the songs in Latin.
(audience laughing)
And so you go and you wait in line in the middle
to go to the front to get a cracker, right?
It's fun.
(audience laughing)
And so I'm waiting in line.
I want one.
I'm hungry, I need a little nosh, right?
(audience laughing)
And my aunt comes up to me while I'm waiting in line.
I have this aunt that I hate.
She's my aunt and she's Catholic.
She's a doctor.
You get it.
It's bad vibes, right?
(audience laughing)
She's called me and my teen cousin both fat
and we were just talking shit about her
because my cousin was like, she's not even a real doctor.
I was like, she's a foot surgeon.
(audience laughing)
My cousin's like, yeah, just does pedicures basically.
I was like, you're right, so right.
I'm waiting in line, right?
Minding my own bees wax.
My aunt comes up to me and she's like,
"Hey, just a reminder, you were not baptized.
"So when you get to the front, you go like this,
"and you don't get one."
(audience moans)
That's right, Jews continue to be persecuted, okay?
My aunt's like Kanye West.
(audience laughing)
I loved her early work, but
(audience laughing)
now she's mean.
But I'm waiting in line, right?
I can't believe the anti-Semitism in the Catholic church.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, how are they not covering this on the news?
This is crazy.
(audience laughing)
But by the time I got to the front of the line,
I was so annoyed that I just dropped my hands
and I took it anyway, yeah.
I turned back to my aunt.
I was like, "Hey, see you in heaven, bitch."
(audience laughing and applauding)
Okay, so, okay, so you know when your boyfriend
or whoever.
It's progressive.
(audience laughing)
If you say something and then you're like, or whoever,
it's like, wow, when did Bernie Sanders get here?
(audience laughing)
I have to mention that I'm progressive too
just 'cause I know I look like
one of Trump's oopsie daughters.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Thank you, thank you.
Me and Tiffany.
But yeah, okay, so you know when your boyfriend
or whoever, cums on you.
(audience laughing)
Do you have that here?
Onto your person, right?
You know when your boyfriend cums on you
and then he goes to go get the thing, right?
And you look at how small his butt is.
Ha ha ha.
(audience laughing)
Right?
Isn't it always smaller than you're expecting it to be?
(audience laughing)
Why is it so small?
It's just like, the crack is so short.
My boyfriend's whole ass is just a line.
(audience laughing)
Not me, my butt crack goes up so tall, all the way up.
(audience laughing)
All the way up.
Mine goes, I got my ponytail stuck in it.
(audience laughing)
Whenever guys are like, "I'm a ass man."
I'm a good crack butt.
It's the sides they like.
(audience laughing)
It's the meat they're looking for.
Any crack heads in the house tonight?
(audience laughing)
But okay right.
You know, and they cum on you and then ha ha ha right.
So small, so cute.
And also, it's so clenched.
(audience laughing)
It's like, this is the time you should be so relaxed.
But they're always like, "Ooh, I gotta go get the thing."
(audience laughing)
"Woo, gotta go get it."
It's like, guys, next time you get the opportunity
to go get the thing, do a big walk.
You know, like Conor McGregor.
(audience laughing)
Put on a little show.
And so, okay you know when they cum on you
and then ding, ding, ding, right.
Right and it's there and you're, you know
and you're waiting and you're so still.
(audience laughing)
More still than you've ever been in your whole life.
Like a zen monk.
Like a mummy preserved in resin.
You can always tell how much a guy likes you based
off what it is he brings back.
(audience laughing)
Feels like remembering is happening.
(audience laughing)
Feels like memories.
You can always tell, yeah, exactly, right?
You can always tell because like my boyfriend now,
he'll go, he'll get the water running.
He waits until the water gets warm.
He comes back, he does a wipe.
He does a little dry swipe with the other side.
I didn't think that I was gonna find my prince charming.
(audience laughing)
A warm cloth, are you serious?
Like, I don't fly first class.
Like nobody brings me a warm cloth in my life.
It's warm, like luxurious, hot like a spa or something.
Like, it's so nice.
Like we're like having sex.
He's like, where do you want it?
I'm like, oh my god, my shoulders.
(audience laughing)
My boyfriend does all that for me.
I know that he loves me.
There are some guys though out there who will cum
on you and then just kick sand.
(audience laughing)