Hello! It's finally June, pride month, the time of the year when everyone in the LGBTQA+ community just feels really proud of who they are
And they go out and celebrate and party and it feels great -- so long as you're proud of who you are
cut to title, I'm not really proud of my sexuality.
So far as I don't believe you can really be proud of many things you can't change, like, I'm not proud that I'm tall,
I mean, I didn't earn it. I didn't work towards it. I mean I'm happy I'm tall,
but pride in that sense doesn't seem to make sense to me.
It doesn't feel like the right word.
About two years ago, I uploaded a video on my channel talking about my sexuality, and if you haven't seen that yet
I highly recommend you watch it as it will explain things a lot better.
Too long; didn't watch: I view myself as a demisexual,
At least somewhat on the asexual scale. This wasn't really meant to be that big of a deal at the time
It's just I had done some research and I found out about this term, I found out about how much it really relates to me
And I felt like I needed to tell everyone of its existence because it just, it felt so right for me,
It felt like that word normalized me,
It made me feel so much less like a broken person
But after making the video, things kind of blew up. I had friends messaging me about it. I had family talking about it,
I had people I really look up to sharing the video, and honestly, as lovely as the support was, it made me uncomfortable
I felt like I'd opened a can of worms. Over the years the video would get more and more support to a point where
Everyone would start referring people to my video when they wanted to know more about demisexuality
Like, oh, you're thinking about this? That sounds like this guy, Evan Edinger,
Here's a video about it and, like, I'm pretty sure at this point as well
It's the most viewed video on the topic of demisexuality. Which is you know great and all like hooray!
Give me those views! people like the stuff I make!
Save my youtube channel! but the fact that like, something that I feel, the way that I am
Is representing how a lot of other people also feel makes me really uncomfortable.
Like...
How can I speak for anyone else when I feel like I can barely speak for myself?
One thing I tried driving home the video is that I don't like the idea of labels
and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that in multiple videos since then. Like, view people complexly, stop putting people in boxes.
Like, yes, I may view myself as a demisexual
but that doesn't mean that I tick every single box on the list
and it doesn't mean if you look up the definition of a demisexual
you're not just gonna be like: 'Oh that's Evan.' Like, everyone's different.
When I made that video, I was in a really good place. I had just finished moving out of a really bad situation and into a really good and supportive one.
But ever since "coming out", it's been getting harder and harder.
You know I always used to see these youtubers making these "coming out part 2" videos and I'd roll my eyes and be like,
"Ooh, losing relevancy, gotta bring 'em back in with that sweet sweet SEO" but I get it now: so much changes year to year
and it's nice to hear how family, friends, even yourself have reacted after your own self-discovery. Like how have you grown and changed
since discovering this is who you are and that this label fits you?
So yeah, I'm a bit annoyed at myself for not understanding that a bit earlier because it makes so much more sense now. Because I've been dreading
making this type of video because of how I used to feel
about those types of videos for a while.
Tyler Oakley for instance - now I don't know if it's just me that feels this way -
but he's pretty much king of the gays on YouTube.
I mean: There's no election, it's a monarchy. You could say he's the queen; I don't really know. All I know is that he's an icon for homosexuality.
He's helped normalize it.
He's always speaking out important issues to the community and he's done so many good things.
If you haven't noticed, I barely talked about my sexuality since that video, spare a joke here or there, because I don't want it to become me.
Like, I don't want something that I cannot change about me, something that is just the way I am, to be my brand.
Like... as shit youtube as that sounds, I don't want my "brand" to be my sexuality. Personally.
Tyler rocks it! He does good things with it. Me, I don't have the chutzpah for that!
I just don't. And I don't know if I'd want
to be the brand of this thing that - I don't even know if I really like myself.
I don't want to be defined by something that I can't choose to be like and frankly don't wish to be like.
Yeah. It's sad, I'm sorry.
Recently - and maybe it's the people I hang out with - I have been feeling so much more broken and confused.
And the original purpose of my video was to help people that were similar to me, that happened to watch this video,
Not feel broken, not feel confused, and not fear not being normal.
But I'm a hypocrite.
The amount of people around me saying things like: '"maybe if he just had sex he'd be normal" really upsets me.
But it's been said so many different times in so many different ways that
It's been driven into my mind, the main statement they're making: I need to be fixed. I'm not normal!
I'm broken.
Which is the exact opposite of the thing that I made the video about. I made the video to kind of build confidence in myself
Like: look I'm normal. There's a lot of people like me.
This is a normal thing.
But just being around so many people that don't necessarily believe how I am really breaks me down
and makes me believe, like,
Maybe it is all farce. Maybe this isn't how I am.
I hung out with this very lovely girl the other day.
She came around and we kissed a lot. Quite - quite a lot. It was really nice.
I liked it.
But the whole time I felt bad. I felt uneasy.
It just made me feel so unhappy with myself that I didn't feel like I could ever make anyone truly happy.
Because it's just not something I feel comfortable with and I got ridiculed for that. I had people like:
"Oh my God! You should just have sex and then everything would've been fixed with you" and that's not -
that's not how it works.
It really gets to me.
It's not - I don't know what's wrong.
and I'll laugh along like: 'Sure, yeah. That's me.' because, you know, I like being agreeable.
I like being the pit of jokes sometimes, but it really does get to me and I mean it doesn't help
the understanding of anyone else that I'm really
romantically into everyone.
Like: literally I've got a crush on every freaking girl that I'll follow on instagram.
I do. I can't help that. I don't want to do anything sexual with anyone.
But it's a different thing. It's a hugely different thing: being romantically involved with someone being sexually involved with someone.
But it really doesn't help my case. Especially people that don't understand it and so people are like
'Obviously, you're not like this, Evan. Because you just talked about how you have a crush on this girl.' ...What?!
It becomes tiring trying to explain how you are to multiple people.
And I guess that's why people on the asexual scale are described as "invisibles".
Because we eventually just shut up about it and just accept what everyone else says.
So the fact that I romantically have feelings for so many different people I know...
really confuses most of my friends to the point where they're not really understanding anything about me.
And that makes me confused. Maybe I don't even know about me either.
It wasn't until I had a long conversation with a friend of mine that I realized
everything everyone had said to me had finally gotten to my core. I was defeated;
I was broken. I needed to be fixed and I'd said:
"You know, I just wish I could have sex to be normal. I wish I could just join everyone else and have a great time.
It'd be great to be like everyone else," and she seemed so disappointed in me. She was like, "That's not you.
What are you saying? This isn't the person I know of" and I got so confused because this was the first time
Anyone I'd spoken to slightly understood how I really was,
when she'd said that. She was like 'What? This isn't you. You're not into that!'
I was like: 'But that's what everyone wants me to be. Everyone wants me to be this way, so I need to try be that way
To - you know...
Please everyone! Which obviously is impossible, but...
I can barely please myself! so...
Whew!
so I went and I had a really long sit in the park, and that's when I realized everything I'm saying to you right now.
I am not broken.
I do not need to be fixed.
This is how I am.
I may not be like everyone else, because I'm not like everyone else.
I am me
and that's okay.
As alone as my sexuality makes me feel, I know that one day
I'll find the right person around the line.
It'll all be good and there's lots of people online that share the same sexuality as me,
or at least something very similar, that have shown me support in that video.
And that's what I need to keep doing every time I get doubtful.
I need to look at those comments, look at people that are like me
and feel normal again.
Because maybe it's just the people I hang out with
are just super sexual and don't understand me, but
Yeah, quite a different video to upload this pride month, but I'm proud that
I was able to come out and say this in a video because it is relieving to talk about this.
It's been building up literally for a very long time. I couldn't talk about it.
I didn't want to talk about it.
It's such an uncomfortable thing for me, but here I am.
Thank you for listening.
If you're like me...
We're normal, right? It's all good.
Just don't tell anyone their feelings aren't valid because they're not your own.
That's so damaging and mean. So... don't do that, please.
As as usual now, I'll be replying to your comments on this video
on my video on Thursday, and a new video coming out on Sunday.
Thank you very much for watching, supporting, subscribing, everything.
I do really appreciate it. It does mean a lot. Thank you so much.
I'll see you guys for the next one!
Goodbye