WELCOME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN TO THE LATE SHOW
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT
FIRST OF ALL, LET ME BEGIN BY SAYING HAPPY BASTILLE
DAY FOR THOSE WHO DON'T SPREK EVERYONE ZE FRENCH, BAS DEAL DAY
IS THE DAY THE FRENCH DECLARED INDEPENDENCE FROM I THINK
FRANCE.
TO CELEBRATE THIS MORNING I HAD A CHOCOLATE KROIS ANT AND A SLIP
OF THE TONGUE.
OVER IN FRANCE THEY HAD A LOT OF TROUBLE GETTING PEOPLE
VACCINATED LATELY WHICH LEAD TO A NEW INITIATIVE FROM FRENCH
PRESIDENT AND ARCHITECT WHO WOULD LOVE TO SHOW YOU HOW HE
DESIGNED YOUR BEDROOM WHILE YOUR HUSBAND IS OUT OF TOWN, EMMANUEL
MACRON THIS WEEK MACRON ANNOUNCED EXPANDED USE OF
FRANCE'S HEALTH PASSPORT SYSTEM THE PASS SANITAIRE WHICH I
BELIEVE IS ALSO THE NAME OF THAT LITTLE SPRITZ TOILET THEY USE.
PASS SANITAIRE.
STARTING IN AUGUST FRENCH CITIZENS MUST SHOW EITHER A
NEGATIVE TEST OR PROOF OF VACS NAILTED STATUS FOR ENTRY TO
RESTAURANTS AND CAFES.
QUELLE SURPRISE.
RIGHT AFTERWARDS A RECORD MILLION PLUS PEOPLE IN FRANCE
MADE VACCINE APPOINTMENTS IN A SINGLE DAY.
THAT IS MARKETING.
>> USING THE OLD NOODLE.
SMART MOVE BY MACRON TARGETING WHAT THE FRENCH CARE ABOUT.
NO VACCINE, NO CUISINE, OKAY.
NO PFI-ZEUR, NO CROQUE MONDAY SEURS.
IF THE FRENCH CAN RESTRICT CAFES WE HAVE TO START DOING THAT
HEEMPLE YOU DONE GET VACCINATED, YOU CAN'T GET ON AN AIRPLANE,
YOU CAN'T GO TO THE BIG GAME, YOU CAN'T GO TO THE LATE SHOW.
(APPLAUSE) ALL THESE PEOPLE, LOOK AT THE
PEOPLE AT THE LATE SHOW.
(APPLAUSE) OR, OR YOU ALSO CAN'T GO TO THE
LATE SHOW'S POST SHOW ORGY.
OKAY?
AFTER EVERY SHOW THERE IS AN ORGY, OKAY.
WE'RE THE LAST SHOW IN LATE NIGHT THAT STILL DOES THAT.
SNL BUT THAT IS ONCE A WEEK.
IT DOESN'T REALLY-- VACCINATION RATES ARE ESPECIALLY LOW AMONG
THE YOUNGLINGS SO TODAY POP STAR OLIVIA RODRIGO WENT TO THE WHITE
HOUSE TO PROMOTE VACCINE.
RODRIGO TOLD EVERYONE WHO HAS ALREADY BEEN VAXXED, GOOD 4 YOU,
YOU LOOK HAPPY AND HEALTHY.
IF YOU DIDN'T GET THAT REFERENCE, I'M GUESSING YOU HAVE
BEEN ELIGIBLE FOR A VACCINE SINCE DECEMBER.
AND I INVITE YOU TO JOIN ME AT THE OLD CAMERA.
HELLO.
(APPLAUSE) HELLO, WELCOME TO THE OLDCAM,
BROUGHT TO YOU BY DAY OF THE WEEK PILL CASE.
(APPLAUSE) DAY OF THE WEEK PILL CASE, IT
HAS COME TO THIS.
FELLOW OLDS, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKINGK ISN'T ICE CREAM TOO
COLD.
ALSO, WHO IS OLIVIA RODRIGO.
DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE SAFE, ARE YOU JUST EXPERIENCING SOMETHING
CALLED BEING AN OLD.
IT'S OKAY.
I'M AN OLD TOO, IN FACT, IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY WRITERS, I
WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN THAT OLIVIA RODRIGO WAS A POP STAR THAT,
THAT GOOD 4 YOU IS HER SINGLE AND THAT IS THE STAR OF HIGH
SCHOOL MUSICAL, THE MUSICAL, THE SERIES.
NO, I'M NOT HAVING A STROKE, THAT'S JUST WHAT TV SHOWS ARE
CALLED THESE DAYS.
(LAUGHTER) OKAY.
SEE YOU ALL AT THE DENNEES.
(APPLAUSE) YOUNG AGAIN.
WE ACTUALLY HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF RODRIGO AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
THERE SHE IS ABOUT TO ENTER THE SAME DOOR USED BY HISTORICAL
FIGURES LIKE JAMES MONROE, ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND KID ROCK.
RODRIGO IS NOT THE ONLY MUSICIAN TRYING TO GET PEOPLE VAXXED
THERE IS ALSO RAPPER AND INVENTOR OF THE I'M TBING TO
GUESS ALCOHOL POWERED LAMP?
JUVENILE, THE 90S HIP-HOP STAR IS ENCOURAGING FOLKS TO GET THE
SHOT WITH A RE/MAX OF-- REMIX OF HIS THING, BACK THAT THING UP.
>> YOU BOOK LOOK GOOD THAT BACK THAT THANG UP, VKS AX THAT THANG
UP, HEARD OF HERD IMMUNITY, VAX THAT THANG UP.
>> GOOD ADVICE, BUT WARNING, NO MATTER HOW FREAKY YOU ARE
FEELING, YOU DO NOT GET THE VAX IN YOUR THANG.
NOT TO BE OUTDONE WE HERE AT THE LATE SHOW HAVE COMMISSIONED '90S
SUPERGROUP NAUGHTY BY NATURE TO UPDATE THEIR SONG HIP-HOP HERE
AYE AND WE HAVE AN EXCLUSIVE PREVIEW.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
>> Jon: YES, YES.
MRNA.
O.
>> Stephen: THE WHITE HOUSE NEEDS ALL THE HELP IT CAN GET
PROMOTING THE VACCINE BECAUSE FOX NEWS AND THE GOP, DO NOT,
WHAT IS THE WORD, CARE WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE.
CASE IN POINT, GOP CONTROLLED TENNESSEE, THE VOLUNTEER STATE
HAS ONE OF THE WORST VACCINATION RATES IN THE COUNTRY.
AND THEY AIM TO KEEP IT THAT WAY BECAUSE THIS WEEK AFTER PRESSURE
FOM REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS, THE TENNESSEE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH
WILL HALT ALL ADOLESCENT VACCINE OUTREACH, NOT JUST FOR
CORONAVIRUS, BUT ALL DISEASES.
TENNESSEE DISAGREES.
IN FACT, THEY'VE MADE IT THE FOCUS OF THEIR NEW TOIMPLE AD.
>> LOOKING TO GET AWAY?
THERE'S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO DISCOVER TENNESSEE.
SCENIC LAKES.
BEAUTIFUL STATE PARKS.
AND SOON POLIO.
THERE ARE JUST SO MANY THINGS TO DO AND CATCH IN TENNESSEE.
RIDE THE RAPIDS AND PICK UP A CASE OF SMALL POX.
VISIT GRACELAND AND THEN MUMPLAND.
TENNESSEE, THE LAST PLACE YOU'LL EVER VISIT.
>> Stephen: IT WORKS.
IT WORKED.
WE'RE LEARNING A LOT OF NEW DETAILS ABOUT THE LAST DAYS IN
OFFICE OF FORMER PRESIDENT, THE TURD REICH.
AND THAT MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND THE DETAILS ARE ALL COMING
FROM A SLEW OF NEW DEEP DIVE TELL-ALL, MUK SLINGS AND
GOSSDISH TEA SLOSHERS LIKE THE BOOK LANDSLIDE, BETRAYAL AND
NIGHTMARE SCENARIO.
ALSO HELD HOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT DESCRIBES HAVING TO
READ A BOOK.
OTHER NEW BOOKS ARE USING TITLES THAT ARE ACTUALLY QUOTES OF HIS
LIKE I ALONE CAN FIX IT, AND FRANKLY WE DID WIN THIS
ELECTION.
THOSE OF COURSE JOIN THE RANKS OF OTHER GREAT TITLES LIKE
PEOPLE ARE FLUSHING TOILETS 10 TIMES, 15 TIME, THE KIDNEY HAS A
VERY SPECIAL PLACE IN THE HEART, PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA, TV,
THE BOOK.
AND OF COURSE, IN EUROPE, THEY LIVE, THEIR FOREST CITIES, THEY
ARE CALLED FOREST CITIES.
THEY MAINTAIN THEIR FORESTS, THEY MANAGE THEIR FORESTS.
I WAS WITH THE HEAD OF A MAJOR COUNTRY, IT IS A FOREST CITY.
THE BIG BOMBSHELL, LONG TITLE-- THE BIG BOMB SLEL FROM
THESE BOOKS IS AN ACCOUNT OF THE INFAMOUS MOMENT DURING THE
D.C. BLACK LIVES MATTER PROTEST WHEN THE BIG STRONG LAW & ORDER
PRESIDENT HID IN AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER.
THE E-PRESIDENT WAS SO EMBARRASSED WHEN HIS HIDEY HOLE
ADVENTURE WAS LEAKED THAT HE REPORTEDLY SAID, WHOEVER DID
THAT, THEY SHOULD BE CHARGED WITH TREASON, ADDING THEY SHOULD
BE ADDING-- EXECUTED.
CAREFULSIR, IF YOU START EXECUTING PEOPLE FOR LEAKING,
WILL YOU HAVE TO FIND A NEW LAWYER.
ANOTHER, ANOTHER OLDIE BUT A GOODIE.
WHO IS THIS GUY?
ANOTHER NEW REVELATION, WE'RE GETTING FROM THESE BOOKS
CONCERNS SUPREME COURT JUSTICE AND TODDLER INSISTING HE CAN
WIPE HIMSELF!
(LAUGHTER) BRETT KAVANAUGH.
THE EX-PRESIDENT WAS LIVID AT HIS FAVORITE JUDICIAL FRAT BRO
WHO VOTED WITH THE MAJORITY NOT TO HEAR ANY OF THE
EX-PRESIDENT'S RIDICULOUS ELECTION CHALLENGES AT THE
SUPREME COURT.
THE EX-PRESIDENT THOUGHT KAVANAUGH OWED HIM A FAVOR AFTER
HE STOOD BY HIM WHEN HE WAS ACCUSED OF SEXUAL ASSAULT SAYING
IN AN INTERVIEW, WHERE WOULD HE BE WITHOUT ME.
I SAVED HIS LIFE.
HE WOULDN'T EVEN BE IN A LAW FIRM, WHO WOULD HAVE HAD HIM.
NOBODY.
WELL THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I'M SURE HE WOULD HAVE BEEN WELCOME AT THE LAW FIRM OF TO
BEIN, PJ AND SQUEE, THE BOOF WILL SET YOU FREE, OF COURSE
BOOF FANS, BIG FANS OF THE BOOF.
OF COURSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT CAN'T GIVE A QUID WITHOUT HOPING
FOR A LITTLE PROQUO SAYING I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN KAVANAUGH.
IN RECEIPT PRO-- RETROSPECT, HE JUST HASN'T HAD THE COURAGE HE
NEEDS TO BE A GREAT JUSTICE, I'M BASING THIS ON MORE THAN JUST
THE ELECTION.
UM, NOBODY BROUGHT UP THE ELECTION.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING GOOD EVENING, OFFICER, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU PULLED ME OVER AND NOT JUST
BECAUSE YOU WON'T HELP ME GET THE DEAD BODY OUT OF MY TRUNK.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS MINDY KALING.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN. SCANDAL