JOHN, I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU THIS PERSONALLY, CONGRATULATIONS ON
RADIO CITY.
I THINK IT'S MY FAVORITE SPECIAL OF THE YEAR.
>> THAT'S SO NICE FOR TO YOU SAY.
>> James: IT'S BEAUTIFUL PLAYED AND SO FUNNY.
THERE'S SO MANY BITS YOU TALK ABOUT IN IT THAT'S BRILLIANT.
THERE'S ONE MOMENT IN THE SPECIAL WHICH I REWOUND TO WATCH
AGAIN WHERE YOU TALKED ABOUT A DETECTIVE.
>> OH YES.
>> James: WHO CAME TO YOUR SCHOOL.
>> YES.
>> James: TO DO A STRANGER DANGER TALK.
>> IT WAS CALLED "STREET SMARTS."
>> James: STREET SMARTS.
THAT'S IT.
>> IT HAPPENED EVERY YEAR.
THERE WAS A DETECTIVE NAMED J.J.
BITTENBINDER.
HE CAME EVERY YEAR.
BY THE WAY, HE WORE A 3-PIECE SUIT AND A POCKET WATCH AND A
COUPLE YEARS IN A ROW, I REMEMBER HIM WEARING A COWBOY
HAT.
HE ALSO HAD A HUGE HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE.
THAT IS NOT IMPORTANT, BUT IT IS.
I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT, ALL RIGHT?
HE WOULD COME IN AND SAY, "YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"
REALLY THAT WAS THE CRUX OF IT, HE WAS LIKE, "BY THE TIME THE
COPS GET THERE.
IT'S TOO LATE.
IF YOU'RE OUT THERE, YOU HAVE TO FIGHT."
WE WERE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."
WE WERE FIVE.
HE WOULD GIVE US TIPS, "IF SOME GUY IS COMING AFTER YOU, YOU
DROP YOUR BACKPACK AND YOU RUN.
I KNOW YOUR DAD SAID THE BACKPACK IS A LOT OF MONEY BUT
WOULD YOU RATHER COME HOME WITHOUT YOUR BACKPACK OR
UNDERWEAR?
MOVING ON."
IT HAPPENED EVERY YEAR.
CHILDREN OF THE 80'S AND 90'S, THEY SCARED US ABOUT KIDNAPPING
AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
>> James: YES, WE HAD MR. JAMISON AT OUR SCHOOL.
HE WOULD TEACH SELF-DEFENSE.
WE WERE LIKE EIGHT.
HE WOULD GO LIKE THIS, HE WOULD SAY, "NOW, PUT YOUR HANDS HERE
AND TRY AND ATTACK ME, AND THEN YOU WOULD GO TO ATTACK HIM AND
HE WOULD GO, NOW WATCH.
LIKE THIS.
AND THEN HE WOULD GO, "YOU'RE VULNERABLE."
AND WE WOULD GO, WE LIVE IN HIGH WICKHAM.
THERE'S 700 PEOPLE HERE.
WHO DO YOU THINK IS ATTACKING US?
IT'S CRAZY.
NOW, THE NEWSPAPER IN CHICAGO -- DO YOU KNOW THIS?
>> I SAW THIS THIS WEEKEND.
>> James: THEY TRACKED DOWN THE REAL J.J. BITTENBINDER.
HE HAS SOME ISSUES WITH YOUR MEMORIES OF STREET SMARTS.
>> YES.
THE GREAT -- AND I'VE SUCH RESPECT FOR J.J. BITTENBINDER
WHO WENT AROUND TEACHING THESE VALUABLE LESSONS.
>> WHAT WAS HIS PROBLEM?
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.
>> IT WAS NOT THAT I SAID HE TERRIFIED ME TO MY BONES, IT WAS
THAT I SAID HE WORE A COWBOY HAT.
HE WAS LIKE THE 3-PIECE SUITS, YEAH, I NEVER WORE THE COWBOY
HAT TO SCHOOLS.
SURE I WEAR A COWBOY HAT WHEN I DO CATTLE ROUND-UPS IN CODY,
WYOMING.
THIS IS ALL IN THE NEWSPAPER.
BUT THAT'S A SEPARATE DEAL.
AND HE GOES, 3-PIECE SUITS AND COWBOY HATS, THAT DOESN'T LOOK
GOOD.
>> James: THAT'S THE ONLY THING HE TOOK OFFENSE WITH?
>> HE TOOK OFFENSE TO THE WHOLE THING, BUT AS -- DETECTIVE
BITTENBINDER WHO WAS ALL BUSINESS, IF HE THOUGHT IT WAS
FUNNY, HE WOULDN'T BE THE DETECTIVE BITTENBINDER I
REMEMBER.
>> I WAS ALL ABOUT DETAILS.
HE'S OUT THERE SOLVING CRIMES.
>> SURELY, HE'S LIKE, NO -- THAT'S WHAT HE JUMPED ON -- I
NEVER WORE A COWBOY HAT WITH THE YOUNGSTERS.
BUT THEN HE OWNS UP TO HAVING SEVERAL COWBOY HATS WHICH ON THE
WITNESS STAND YOU COULD REALLY TEAR APART.
>> James: WE ACTUALLY TRACKED HIM DOWN.
AND HE'S HERE TONIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- NO, JUST JOKING!
[ LAUGHTER ] WHERE'S YOUR STREET SMARTS NOW?
>> I MOVE OVER AWKWARDLY AND HE SITS DOWN AND STARES AT THE
AUDIENCE.
>> James: YOU STRIKE ME AS SOMEONE WHO HAS GOOD STREET
SMARTS.
>> I DO?
>> James: YEAH, YOU DO.
WERE YOUR PARENTS ALWAYS OVERPROTECTIVE?
>> I WAS A CHILD OF THE 80'S AND 90'S AND LIKE JOHN DID HAVE SOME
STREET EDUCATION.
BASICALLY, UM, I BELIEVE WHAT I WAS TOLD.
IF A STRANGER TALKS TO YOU, YOU SCREAM AND RUN AWAY.
>> James: YES.
>> WE HAD POETRY EDUCATION IN OUR SCHOOL.
WE HAD A GUY COME AND TEACH POETRY JAMES RIGHT?
>> THAT'S AN IMPORTANT SKILL, TOO.
>> James: SURE.
IF YOU'RE BEING MUGGED, YOU PULL OUT ORDERREN OR WHATEVER IT IS
-- ORTEN OR WHATEVER IT IS.
>> YOU'LL THROW SOMEONE OFF IF THEY'RE LIKE, "GIVE ME YOUR
MONEY," AND YOU THROW SOMETHING POETIC AT THEM.
>> THE BIGGEST TIP BITTENBINDER HAD WAS TO THROW THEM OFF THEIR
RHYTHM.
THE PEDOPHILES HAVE A CERTAIN RHYTHM, YOU KNOW?
THEY'RE TRYING TO KEEP THE BEAT.
IF YOU'RE THROWING OUT POETRY, IT WILL MESS UP THEIR RHYTHM.
>> James: IF YOU SUDDENLY SAY POETRY, THEY'LL LIKE "WHAT THE
HELL IS GOING ON?" >> I LIKE TO WALK AROUND CITIES
WHENEVER ONE IS ON LOCATION, AS ONE DOES, WHENEVER I'M ON
LOCATION DOING MOVIES, SOMETIMES I WANT TO WALK AROUND.
IT'S NIGHT TIME.
I HAVE NO ONE TO WALK AROUND WITH ME.
I WILL GET A BOTTLE OF SELTZER WATER AND BRING IT, BECAUSE
YOU'RE JUST LIKE -- HIT SOMEONE OVER THE HEAD IF THEY GET --
>> SMASH THEM WITH THE JAGGED EDGE.
>> YOU GET A BUTTER KNIFE AND A BOTTLE OF SELTZER AND YOU'RE
GOOD.
>> James: A BUTTER KNIFE?
>> YEAH.
>> James: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
BUTTER HIM TO DEATH?
>> AGAIN, THROW HIM OFF HIS RHYTHM.
>> I GOT TO BUTTER HIM.
I GOT A GLASS BOTTLE.
>> James: YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH ME, PUNK.
>> DID YOU EVER DREAM OF BEATING UP MR. JAMISON NOW THAT YOU'RE
OLDER?
>> James: I DON'T, ALTHOUGH I DO THINK BACK TO STRANGER DANGER
ASSEMBLIES AND STUFF AND THINK THE ONLY REASON WE NEEDED THEM
IS BECAUSE WHEN I WAS EIGHT, MY PARENTS WOULD JUST OPEN THE BACK
DOOR AND GO, COME BACK IN FOUR HOURS.
WE WERE WANDERING AROUND.
WE HAD NO IDEA WHERE WE WERE GOING.
IT'S LIKE CATS.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR CAT WAS.
YOU NEED TO BE BACK HERE AT 6:00.
THAT WAS IT.
GONE.
DISAPPEARED.
>> WE WOULD GO OUT WALKING IN CHICAGO.
MY MOM WOULD SAY, THE GUY THAT SELLS BALLOONS, DON'T GO NEAR