In psychology, self-development and spiritual circles
we often use the word "resourcing".
To resource is to identify and to use something as a resource
for something that is wanted.
It is to identify something so as to draw upon it
when it is needed and wanted.
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For example, a specific skill can be resourced
to help you deal with a problem,
or a specific positive experience can be resourced
to help you intentionally change the way that you feel,
or a specific mineral can be resourced
in order to help create healing
or change some element of your life.
Or a specific part of yourself can be resourced
in order to deal with a situation in the most effective way possible,
or a specific person in your life can be resourced
so as to fulfill any one of your needs.
However, for various reasons
many people actually have trouble resourcing.
And many of the people who have trouble resourcing,
fall into a negative pattern that I like to call:
the "only from you" pattern.
When we are gestated and during our infancy
we are experiencing a fused relationship with our mothers
It's a bit like watching two binary stars.
All of our needs come through her.
She's the reason that we have our sustenance,
she's the person we get our intimacy from,
we don't experience ourselves as being separate from her
in the beginning.
Because of this, the level of need we feel
and attachment we feel
and satiation we feel
and intimacy we feel
and safety we feel
and specialness we feel
and importance we feel with her
is unparalleled.
Naturally, as we grow and we develop and we expand,
we expand into a place
where we have a drive for a sense of autonomy.
Essentially, we want a separate sense of self.
This doesn't mean that we don't need our moms anymore,
what it simply means is we want to stay in connection with them,
while having a sense of self at the same time.
Not only that,
we naturally develop into needing different things from different people.
So, mom is no longer the venue through which all things come to us.
In fact, there are other people in our life experience
from dad, to grandma, to siblings,
to peers, to teachers, to mentors...
All of whom offer these very special resources
which we now need.
Without interruptions to this process
we end up developing into a state
where we have many people in our life,
all of whom offer different needed things
that we can resource.
And we are able to identify and use a specific person
such as, their ways of thinking,
their skills, their strengths,
their tools, their gifts,
their experiences and their energy
that they specifically, can provide us
in order to thrive.
When some of you heard this,
you already got ahead of me,
you were probably thinking:
"That's not exactly how it happened for me".
So, what you've naturally stumbled upon
is that there can be interruptions and traumas
relative to this natural process.
Maybe there was something about your life experience
that prevented that natural fusion in that relationship
and that close intimate safety
that you would have developed with your mother
and therefore, you have developmental trauma
around that particular experience.
Maybe there were natural interruptions and traumas
relative to you stepping into a space of autonomy,
and so you really couldn't step into that place of autonomy
or you began to resource other people.
There are so many interruptions
so many traumas which can occur
which interfere with this natural process.
These interruptions and traumas
that interfere with this natural process
can easily cause a person to fall into the pattern
of failing to resource,
and instead fixating on needing to find and secure
one person for themselves.
To use as their only resource for everything.
I've got a few examples for you to illustrate some of the patterns,
and by some, I mean SOME
of the patterns that can create this pattern in your adult life.
Take a person who never got that initial fusional relationship
and experience with their mother
because they ended up being abandoned to the system
or because their mom was totally unpredictable
and thus created an insecure attachment,
or because they were left in a crib for hours upon hours on end
when mom was busy with other kids and other things,
or because mom had to go back to work,
or maybe even died.
This person has a developmental trauma.
He or she may find themselves fixating on the idea
of finding a Romeo and Juliet style love.
A love that is so all-consuming
and a life that is so entirely about that one other person
whose life is also so entirely about them,
that they will be each other's everything.
This attempt to create that fusional relationship
that was needed but was never something he or she had,
is a subconscious attempt to fill a hole
where something should have been.
A hole that has been there from the very beginning.
Or, for example,
take another common scenario;
Let's say that you've got a woman standing in front of you
and she's learned over her life experience,
probably even watching daddy,
is that the only way to secure an actual long-term relationship
meaning, the only way that she can make a resource
consistently available to her,
is through sex, right?
So, let's say that the core belief here is
the only way to create a secure lasting relationship with a man
and the only way to really hook him so he's really there for you,
is to have sex with him.
Now, this woman may decide
that literally no one else can be resourced
because no one else has the incentive
to actually be available to her.
So, she doesn't resource from anyone else,
instead, she finds one man
to get into a sexual relationship with
and uses sex as that hook
that guarantees that he is going to be a reliable resource for her.
This means that he literally becomes her only resource
for all of her needs.
Or, for example,
let's imagine that a person is able to interrupt this process
to such a degree,
that they're able to convince their child
that they as the parent
is actually the only one that's safe to resource,
the only resource that the child can actually use.
So the child remains completely attached
and sees the parent as the only resource for them
and doesn't feel safe
because they've been programmed not to,
doesn't feel safe
to use anyone else as a resource ever.
So, this child may maintain this attachment
to this one resource, being their one parent,
even far past the developmental stage
where that's healthy.
Far into adulthood.
Or, for example,
let's say that a man grew up in a relationship situation
in his original family dynamic,
that was so incredibly dysfunctional
that he learns that all people are dangerous.
Because of this, he withdraws and becomes intensely distrustful.
He manages to come to see one person in his life
as safer than the others,
and therefore, attaches only to him.
He resists getting any of his needs met through any other person.
Instead, he demands that this one person meets them all.
What all of these examples have in common
is that a person has decided
that there is only one person in their life
who can be their only resource.
Sort of like their only watering hole
and that they cannot resource from anyone or anything else.
This is usually, but not always, a partner.
There are a great many life experiences and situations
which can ultimately lead to this
"only from you" pattern.
But, what all of this ends up in
is a state of limitation, depletion,
starvation and a failure to truly thrive.
It may make people uncomfortable
to see the people in their life as a resource,
after all, you live in a society
no matter where you are in this world,
that essentially tells you that it's wrong to use people.
But the problem with this is that people
are very powerful resources in your life.
In fact, it's the primary resource that other people use.
Not only that,
regardless of whether this is happening on a subconscious or conscious level,
you're actually using people all day every day.
And what's more,
people actually do wanna be used.
When we usually use that word
"to be used"
we're not meeting it in the sense that I'm using it right now,
but to make use of people,
we're doing that all day every day.
From a certain perspective, people are resources.
We need each other and as such,
we use each other.
A person can absolutely be a resource for something that is wanted.
It is something that can be drawn on
when it is needed and wanted.
We use people as a source for all kinds of things.
Things like connection,
fun,
understanding,
a sense of purpose,
information,
contribution,
physical touch,
a sense of belonging,
growth,
support,
food,
shelter,
a different perspective,
finances,
sex,
communication,
a feeling of safety,
confidence,
validation,
assistance,
nurturing,
intimacy and power.
To be honest, the list is endless.
To understand more about this, watch my video titled:
Using People (Ask Teal Episode About Interdependence)
The reality is
one person cannot be your only resource.
One person cannot meet all of your needs.
To the opposite,
you cannot be someone else's only resource.
You cannot meet all of their needs,
Only you.
You aren't actually designed this way,
no one is.
Because of this,
we need to expand our minds and also our social spheres
so as to include so many people.
All these people are a valuable resource for you
in different experiences in your life.
And because of this need to expand so that we're getting our needs met
and therefore resourcing many people,
we need to do a few things:
#1.
We need to powerfully decide what we need to resource
from specific roles in our life,
or I should say, the people in specific roles in our life.
This is really about properly assessing compatibility
relative to people,
so that we can put them in the right place in our life.
For example, let's say that I decide
that what I need in a primary partner,
meaning this is my romantic other, right?
What I need in that person,
is availability.
Now, if I know somebody in my life
who cannot actually be a resource for availability,
it's not right to put that person in the role of my primary partner.
However, that same unavailable person
might be an incredible resource for information.
Therefore, I might benefit
by putting this person into the role
of a friend, or a contact.
Someone that I can definitely use and call upon for information.
Or, for example,
if you decide that what you need in close friendships
is calm and quiet quality time,
someone who is loud and always in motion and is extroverted,
may be better in the position of a more distant friend,
a person who you are allied with
and who can take you out of your comfort zone.
Each person has to answer for themselves
what resource they need from specific roles in their life.
For example,
using our previous example,
one person might be totally fine
with availability not coming from a primary partner.
They may be able to get that from somebody in a position of a friend.
But, like we said, another person
may not be fine with that.
#2.
We need to get squarely in reality
about what the people in our life can and can't offer.
What we can resource from them
and what we can't resource from them,
so that we're resourcing the right things from the right people.
We will end up starving
if we try to resource a specific thing from a person
who does not want to
or cannot actually be a resource for that very thing.
To give you an example of what I mean,
I have a friend who has a disability.
Now, he continues to find his way into relationships where eventually
the women feel like he can't actually provide
a sense of physical protection for them.
Now, I'm gonna tell you this is way out of reality.
Getting into a relationship
with a man who is physically debilitated
and then being upset that you can't resource
a sense of physical protection from him,
sounds pretty insane, doesn't it?
Another example is:
let's say that a person has this deep need
to resource a sense of specialness,
but they end up entering into the sphere of another celebrity.
Now, it's pretty obvious
that specialness is not something you can resource
from within an environment surrounding a celebrity.
Essentially, it's gonna do the opposite.
It's gonna remind you of how unimportant you are
and always will be, compared to this other person.
For this reason, it's very important
to not be in an overlay.
I mean really, you can't be in an overlay.
If you wanna be able to resource
genuinely resource
things from people who you can get those things from,
you can't be in denial about that person.
You have to see each person in your life
so clearly and so in reality
that you know exactly what you can and can't resource from them.
To learn more about this, watch my video titled:
Overlay (What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship)
Now, this one, it is difficult though:
you have to be brave enough to pop that overlay
so as to see the people in your life in reality
in terms of what they can and can't offer.
#3.
We need to start collecting people.
We need to collect
many varied resources for various things.
This is the opposite of sitting in front of one person
and asking them to be our resource for everything.
To do this, we need to put energy into seeing the unique value
that other people do offer,
the unique resources that they provide.
#4.
Become clear about yourself relative to resourcing.
What I mean by this is, become totally clear
about what you want people to use you as a resource for
and what you don't want them to use you as a resource for.
What can you offer?
And what can't you or won't you offer?
Relationships are not only about you using other people as a resource,
they're also about other people using you as one.
Find relationship configurations
that are conducive to this and therefore, compatible.
To understand more about this, watch my video titled:
Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships)
When we fall into the "only from you" pattern
in our relationships,
we have a tendency to end up miserable,
starved of our wants and needs, unfulfilled,
and of course, disappointed.
We make ourselves feel like total crap
and also the other person in the relationship
feel like total crap
when we sit in front of them and demand that they be a resource
for something that they either can't,
or don't want to be a resource for.
We make it mean something painful about ourselves
and also about them.
Essentially it becomes a breeding ground for shame
all the way around.
It's also totally counterproductive.
It means your energy is going towards the wrong thing.
It's a bit like walking into a hardware store
and demanding that they sell flowers,
and every single day you go there they don't sell flowers
and so you sit down and hate them
and get resentful about it.
Like, what good is that gonna do you, honestly?
When we fall into this "only from you" pattern
we also tend to fall into this dynamic
where we keep throwing people out of our life.
it's like we decide that we want this one person
to be a resource for this one thing,
and if they aren't going to do that
or choose not to do that,
it doesn't matter whether it's subconscious conscious
or whether it's something that they can't or don't wanna do,
it doesn't matter right?
They're not a resource for that thing,
we tend to do this thing where we say:
"Well if you can't do that one thing for me
to be a resource for that one thing,
then I have no use for you whatsoever."
It's a lot like deciding
that if a hardware store doesn't have flowers,
then that hardware store has no place in your life,
serves no purpose for you now
and never will.
By doing this you will end up completely alone
and also very limited in terms of resources.
So, to end this episode, I'm gonna leave you with a thought:
Every person holds within themselves
a very powerful and needed resource
or many;
the question is:
can you recognize what this resource is
in each person that you meet?
And also,
are you able to resource from many of these people
instead of from one?
Have a good week.
If you liked this video,
be sure to share it, like it and also subscribe to my channel
so you can see more content like this.
But I wanna personally thank you for taking the initiative
and having the bravery to step into the space of awareness
not only for yourself, but for the benefit of those around you.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com