Thank you all so much, how's it going?
How are you doing, TED, TEDWomen?
They brought me in for a bit of comic relief.
I’m so excited to be here at TEDWomen.
You know, I think I speak for myself,
but also for all of us,
when I think I'm really inspired, you know, and personally,
I feel like I'm not going to stop until every person,
living or dead, is a woman.
(Laughter)
Yeah.
Yeah, I think that's where we're at.
(Laughter)
No, but I do hate when people say that God is a woman, right?
I hate that.
I really, I think she would have done better, you know?
No.
(Laughter and applause)
It's like, if God is a woman, she's a real guy's gal,
if you know what I mean?
(Laughter)
I'm going to do a couple songs for you guys.
So this first one I wrote before lockdown, but it became especially relevant.
And it's about this thing I do where I like somebody, I have a crush,
or maybe we go on a couple of dates.
And instead of letting things unfold naturally,
I'll sort of accidentally scroll their Instagram back until 2012.
(Laughter)
This song is about that.
(Music)
(Singing) I learned too much about you too soon because I couldn’t wait.
Yes, I internet-stalked you
to the point that we can no longer date.
Because I know your mother's name
and your father's name
and your sister's name
and your cousin's husband's name.
I know that your uncle recently passed away,
and I'm so sorry about that, babe.
I know every girl that you've ever dated,
and the exact day you stopped being happy --
Your posture changed.
I know that you and your friends hike.
A lot.
It's too much, we'll change that.
Seen every photo tagged of you on the entire internet.
I know you dropped out of college, but your Spanish, it's polished,
and you own approximately five shirts.
The police are outside my door,
but I'm clutching your hair doll I made on the floor.
If they ever tell people how often other people look at their profiles,
I will kill myself.
(Laughter)
So goodbye,
lover I stalked.
(Applause)
Thank you.
(Applause)
It's vulnerable.
I feel like it's a thing people say
when conversation gets, kind of, boring at parties, you know,
they're like, "Did you hear there's an app
where you can see who looks at your Instagram?"
It's like, that's not funny.
It's not funny, it's not a cool thing to say.
I feel like there are people here who have been married for 40 years, like,
"What the hell is she talking about?"
Yeah, it's complicated now.
It's gotten complicated in.
(Laughter)
Audience: We’re not so ancient!
MB: No, I know.
You don't have to be old to be married 40 years,
some people get married when they're, like, 20.
Not me.
(Laughter)
I do understand why, like, baby boomers are sort of afraid
now that millennials are getting older, you know,
now that we're getting real jobs, I do get that.
You know, it's hard to imagine a millennial in a serious job, right?
Can you imagine a millennial as a doctor?
You know?
Like, "Not to be a bitch, but you have cancer."
(Laughter)
You know, like hands your prognosis like,
"I'm really sorry.
Actually, I'm not sorry."
(Laughter)
I'll tell you a little about myself.
I had a pretty crazy last couple of years.
So basically, I had this set come out for Comedy Central, a short set,
that came out April 2020.
So right when we had just gotten into lockdown.
And then cut to like six months later,
one of the songs I did from that set went super viral on TikTok.
And I was not on TikTok, OK,
because I'm 32, so I, sort of, didn't know we were allowed.
(Laughter)
But we are.
And it was crazy because there's all these people lip-synching my song,
but in my real life,
I had just started this job working customer support
for a food delivery app.
So answering phone calls for customer support.
The worst job I've ever had in my life.
So it was this really weird juxtaposition
because I'm having this huge career moment when I look at my phone, right?
People are tweeting at me like, "We love you. You're a genius."
And then for eight hours a day, people are, like,
"You're a bitch, where's my food?"
(Laughter)
And it was really interesting to experience.
So I'm going to play this song for you guys,
and then I'm going to go over some of my favorite male reactions
that I got on the internet afterwards.
So this song, maybe you've heard it, maybe you haven't.
It is the true story
about the first American woman who they ever sent to space,
whose name was Sally Ride.
(Singing) Remember when NASA sent a woman to space
for only six days
and they gave her one hundred tampons?
One hundred tampons.
(Laughter)
And they asked, "Will that be enough?"
(Music)
Because they didn't know if that was enough.
These are our nation's greatest minds.
They are literally rocket scientists.
They also tied the tampons together by the strings like sausages.
One hundred tampons.
A hundred tampons.
I can picture it now.
Come with me.
"I'm Sally Ride, and I'm going to space for the first time.
I'm walking tall.
I feel so proud.
Then I see a man running panicked through the crowd.
He's holding a large bag.
(Laughter)
I think, what can this be?
And then he hands 100 tampons to me.
For one week.”
(Laughter)
"They could have asked me.
I would have said, "Maybe 33."
(Laughter)
“Because even if it were my period week,
I might have already brought some with me."
(Laughter)
"But, you know ...
Thanks, I guess."
One hundred tampons.
How does she use a tampon when they tied the strings together?
One hundred tampons.
Don't hate me.
525,600 tampons --
So sorry,
525,000 tampons
in space.
Thank you all.
(Applause)
Thank you so much. Thank you.
(Applause)
Thank you, I really appreciate it.
So men on the internet were furious about this song.
Furious.
And it's funny because honestly,
out of all the feminist comedy songs that I've written,
this is the absolute tamest by far.
Like, for example, me and my bandmate Isabel Martin,
we wrote a song called “All Older White Men Should Die (But Not My Dad).”
(Laughter)
So I really didn't think this would make them that angry.
I really didn't.
But they were enraged.
So I wanted to show you some of my favorite genres
of comments that I got.
So this first one,
we have what I call the honest critic, just offering a critique.
OK, so he starts,
“It was funny at first but then she ruined it.”
OK, all right, let's hear him out.
Someone said, "Please elaborate."
(Laughter)
All right, you have criticism, let's hear it.
"She kept yappin' about the tampons."
(Laughter)
And you know what? Fair.
So, you know, I'm going to take that.
I mean, to be honest, the tampons is sort of a central part of the song.
(Laughter)
But I'll take the note, you know, we'll work it going forward.
This next one I call the microgravity expert.
And this was an absolutely amazing phenomenon,
because what happened was
somehow within the three to four minutes of my song,
thousands of men on the internet
became experts in microgravity and menstruation.
And I think that is so impressive,
because normally that sort of takes years to really understand.
But they got it like that, and I just think that is huge.
He said, "At that time,
nobody had experienced having a period in microgravity.
Relax."
(Laughter)
Because really, that's what they're angry about,
as they're sitting at their computer, like,
“Stop laughing! It isn’t funny!”
This next comment, this pissed me off
more than anything.
This type of comment, I'll just show you.
“Look up Bo Burnham, if you liked.”
And then the person said, "I did look him up and he's really good.
Thanks for the suggestion."
Guys, can we focus on me?
(Laughter)
Can we please focus on me?
Bo Burnham has had three Netflix specials, alright?
I just quit my job at customer support, OK?
So let's just focus on me.
OK, it's my song.
OK, thank you.
(Laughter)
Thank you so much.
This last one.
This is what I call the essayist,
and this is somebody who I’m sure were pitching to The New York Times,
and The New York Times said, “We’re full this month.”
So they decided to just DM it to me directly,
and I think that's great.
This went on for several paragraphs, I will say.
"Does 100 tampons really seem that unreasonable
considering that it's NASA?"
Huh?
"I'm male" -- No! --
(Laughter)
I really thought this message was a woman, that's ... wow!
"And I understand that you wouldn't take 100 with you on a 7-day vacation,
but NASA had to plan for the absolute worst-case scenario.
From a quick Google... "
(Laughter)
"I see most women use three to 10 tampons per day,
10 being an absolute disaster of a flow."
(Laughter)
“An absolute disaster of a flow.”
Because this is what their fear was, wasn’t it?
The men at NASA, they're like, "She's going to get up there,
it's going to come out of her eyes and her ears and her mouth.
And if we don't have 100 tampons, boys, we're in trouble.
We're in real trouble up there, boys."
(Laughter)
So I wrote him back, I said, "You're absolutely right.
I'll cut the song.
I'll delete it right now. It doesn't make any sense.
You're completely right."
But in all honesty, I am really, really thankful
if this song started any conversation
where it might otherwise be uncomfortable about periods,
that's a lot of the feedback I got.
And that was the most amazing thing to me,
like, people sending it in their Slack channels to their bosses,
texting it to their dads.
And I just think it's really insane,
as we all know that half the population bleeds
and the other half has no idea what is going on.
And I'm really grateful for that.
And I know it sounds cheesy,
but I often just find myself thinking
that I really hope Sally would have liked it.
So thank you all so much.
Thank you.
(Applause)