- Hi guys.
We now want this in the shop
and all shops from here on out there how fitting.
How cute.
What a couple of weeks these have been.
Happy 250,000 subscribers
what?
I'm speechless.
I'm speechless at the response that my last video has gotten
thank you doesn't cut it.
It doesn't even come close.
I'm shaking again
I'm nervous to make this video.
Just like I was nervous to make that last video
but I don't really know why I'm nervous to make this one
coz now you know all of this stuff
the scary part should be over.
Why am I still nervous?
when I posted my last video
I was terrified, but I expected support.
I expected there to be positivity in general.
But I also expected to lose a lot of you.
I expected a lot of criticism and hate to come my way.
And for the most part, it just hasn't.
I can't wrap my head around what's been happening
these past couple of weeks.
I can't wrap my head around anything that's happened
in the past two months.
Everything that was true in my life, eight weeks ago,
is different now.
And that's really scary.
And I'm still really trying to process all of this.
And not only process,
the flipping of my entire life upside down,
but process, the hundreds of thousands of you
that are along with me for the ride.
I have been getting thousands of comments, messages, emails,
DMs, from you sharing your stories with me
telling me that you have gone through,
if not the exact same experience
then a very similar experience
or that you're realizing
that your sexuality isn't what you thought either.
And while I can't respond to your messages,
I do want you to know
that I am reading every single one of them.
Not the comments.
I'm not reading every single one of the comments
coz that's a bit of a dark hole to jump into
for me right now.
But your emails, your Dms, your messages,
I'm reading every single one of them.
I just can't respond,
but I do want you to know that I see you.
You are valid.
You are seen
and that holy (Beep).
You are all helping me more than you know
more than you could ever know.
I feel free, I feel light, I feel petrified.
I feel unsure and uncertain, but I feel authentic.
I feel congruent, which is a word that my therapist used
and I was like Oh, girl What am I even talking about?
Why am I making this video?
I'm not sure, not sure why I'm making this video.
I think it's because there's a few things
that I want to address from that last video
a couple of questions that I keep seeing pop up
that I want to talk about.
I also didn't want to just like post that video
and then drop off the face of the earth
because i don't know what my life looks like going forward.
I don't know what my content looks like going forward.
I don't know anything.
I don't know anything anymore.
Oh, God,
I guess I just wanted to pop in one more time
check-in Say hi, say oh my God thank you
before I take some time off of YouTube
to figure out what comes next.
Am I making any sense?
The first major thing
is something that I was really afraid of posting that video.
I was and am so afraid
of playing into these negative by stereotypes
of becoming a stereotype of being taken as proof
that a lot of the negative things
that are believed about bisexual folks are true.
Because I did, because I did so many of the stereotypes.
I am a stereotype now.
I am a negative by stereotype and I'm so sorry for that.
I hate that, I hate that, I hate the idea
that there are gonna be people
who see my experience and take it as proof
that bisexuality is either not a real identity
not a valid identity.
that it's just a phase
that folks who identify as bi
are just bi until they pick a side in the end
that they're greedy or unable to be monogamous.
None of those things are true.
None of those things are true
and I hate that I have contributed to that now, in any way.
It was not intentional.
I hope you know that.
I hope you know that none of this was intentional.
How could I be so wrong?
That leads me into my next point.
How could I be so wrong?
I've seen a lot.
A lot of comments questioning how could I have not known
how could I have been with a man for so many years
and not known that I was gay
and there's a couple of pieces to this
that I want to talk about in this video.
because I wonder the same thing.
I have the same question.
How could I have been so wrong?
So a couple of things
first physical attraction, sexual attraction,
romantic attraction, platonic attraction,
There's so many different types of attraction
and they're all different.
And it's not that I didn't realize that,
but I didn't realize that my attractions weren't lining up.
Looking back, I realize now that it was confusing for me
for a long time.
Because I can see a man
and I see him as physically attractive.
I'm not one of those people, not one of those gays
that from the jump has looked at men and gone No,
I know that's not for me.
I can see an attractive man and go damn,
that's an attractive man.
And I took that to mean that I must be attracted to men
in all of the ways.
but now I realized that that's just an attraction
Like an appreciation.
I can appreciate a good looking man
Do I look at it and an attractive man
and think, I'd like to bang that.
No.
And then romantic attraction,
God, that's a holy thing.
Like I said, in my last video,
I thought that I was a romantic.
I thought that I was at a minimum demi-romantic.
You don't experience romantic attraction either at all,
or it takes you a really long time
to develop a romantic attraction to somebody else.
No, no, no, I'm just not romantically attracted to men.
And then the other thing that I realized,
looking back on my entire life,
all of the experiences that I've had with men,
the crushes I've had on men,
the men that I've dated my entire life,
how could that be true?
How could I have pursued those experiences,
And not known that I was gay
and this is the kicker for me.
Is I realized That I was confusing
the experience of enjoying being desired
as experiencing desire myself.
I conflicted the two.
So all throughout my life I had enjoyed being desired
by other people,
whether that be men, women, non binary, folks, whoever,
and those experiences were primarily with men.
I confused, enjoying, being wanted
as experiencing desire myself,
but the only real desire that I've ever felt myself
has not been toward men.
And I see that now.
Also, this whole physical versus romantic
versus sexual attraction piece
is so confusing or was so confusing,
because even when I was just trying to figure this all out,
I would think to myself, whoa, I'm gay, Holy (Beep),
and then I would see an attractive man and I would panic
because I would go wait, I find this man attractive.
This is an attractive man.
I can't be gay because I see an attractive man
and I think that he's attractive.
Oh God, am I making a huge mistake?
Am I throwing my entire life away
but then what I started doing,
God this is maybe too much information.
what I started doing is first
if I would see an attractive man
and be like, oh god, oh no, what if I'm not gay?
That's an attractive man.
I would picture myself either kissing
or having sex with that man.
And my body would go, nope, no thank you.
And then I would picture that man, like the same man,
but as a woman or as an a fab person.
And oh, that's (Beep) the hidden difference.
And that's how I knew.
Oh God, that's just one just one little trick for you to try
If you're questioning yourself, hope it helps.
Also, I want to talk a little bit about language
just for me personally, personally, this is not in general.
This is for me as my label myself.
I don't identify with the term lesbian.
Is that someone Skateboarding?
is that a gay?
Is that gay mating call I hear the sound of a skateboard?
It's either a gay or a teenage boy.
They're rolling the dice every time.
What was I saying?
Yes, technically, I am a woman
who's attracted to other women, but not exclusively.
That's why I like gay, that's why I like queer.
It feels more inclusive
because I'm not just attracted to women.
I'm also attracted to non binary folks,
and there's no word for that.
So just something to flag.
I think that's everything that I wanted to say.
Everything is different.
This is so bizarre.
I can't even explain.
I cannot explain to you how bizarre this all feels
not only the fact that my entire life
has been flipped upside down.
Every future plan that I had.
All of that is topsy turvy flipped on its head now.
But we're also in the middle of a global pandemic, still.
I'm in lockdown still and I've been in lockdown,
in self isolation for almost a month now like by myself,
I'm losing it a little.
And then also with COVID is I can't make on the fringe
right now for any of you who are new.
There's a lot of you high.
On the fringe was a docu-series
that I was in the process of producing.
We were about to start shooting the first few episodes
when all of this hit.
And now I don't know if we'll be able to shoot it
until there's a vaccine.
Honestly, I don't think that gatherings
and communities are going to be getting together
the way that they were before the pandemic
for like a year minimum.
I'm not sure what the most ethical way forward is with that.
There's a part of me that thinks I should just refund
everybody who supported the Indiegogo campaign,
because it is gonna be likely a year
before we can start producing the series.
But I know it's something that I do want to make.
And so I then I think, should I just wait
until the world starts to resume?
its functioning again?
I guess the update with that
is that that series is still in the works.
I still plan to make it, I just have to wait.
It's just all very bizarre and I feel weird.
I feel really weird.
And maybe today wasn't the best day to film this video
because I am feeling so weird.
But, Here we are, this is the truth.
This is where we're at.
I think I might drive out to Manitoba to be with my family,
because there's a part of me out here that's like,
what am I doing?
What am I doing out here?
I can't really do anything.
I can't go anywhere.
I can't really see people.
And I'm kinda like, if I can't go anywhere,
I can't do anything, why am I doing that out here alone?
Why wouldn't I go and do nothing with my family
spend that time with my family.
It's like a 25-26 hour drive from here to Manitoba.
And maybe that's what I need.
Maybe I need 26 hours alone in my car.
This is the most out at sea, discombobulated I've ever felt.
which is fair and make sense.
My entire life is a question mark now.
I hope that this I hope that this brings some clarity.
I don't know.
I just didn't wanna drop all of that on you guys
and then disappear.
I'm gonna to be taking a little bit of time off of YouTube,
I'm still over on my Instagram all the time.
I'm still making tik toks,
if you want more of my face, that's where you can find me.
That's where I'm at.
What a weird time 2020.
Who would have thought you did this, for what?
2020 you did this for what?
That's it.
That's all I wanted to say.
I love you all very, very much.
You don't you do not know what you've done for me
over these past couple of weeks.
You have no idea.
Thank you as always to my VIP patrons.
My vitally important producers.
I appreciate your support, especially right now.
More than you know,
I think that's it.
Did I even say anything?
I've been filming for like 40 minutes.
Did I say a single thing?
I'm not sure.
what a time what a time to be alive.
Am I living in a movie?
What type, what genre? what genre is this?
Is it horror? Is it a rom com?
Oh, please, please, Lord, let me be living in a rom com.
That's it.
I love you guys very much.
Thank you so much for sticking around.
These have easily been a couple of the hardest months
of my entire life.
I really appreciate you all sticking by me
while I try to figure this out.
I love you.
I love you. I love you guys. Bye.
It's gone.