- Are you ready?
Do your best impression of me.
(MaryV laughs) And then it says
in parentheses, both.
- I would have to stand up
so I'm just gonna kind of describe it.
- Okay. - You're kinda just
floating around, you're wandering around,
but very quickly everywhere. - Okay.
That's fair.
- So you're doing that, so imagine me doing that.
- Okay. - And you're like.
(laughs)
- That's fair.
For you,
I got a smoothie right.
I'm sipping the smoothie, you're,
oh, it's not really hitting the spot
but I don't really know what else to do
so I'm just gonna keep drinking it.
(MaryV laughs) I'm just gonna keep
drinking it, and then, oh, you know what?
It's fine, it's fine.
- (laughs) True.
- Okay, all right. - True, next?
- Yeah.
- When have you felt the sexiest around me
and what did it teach you about yourself?
- Hm, when did I feel the sexiest around you?
Oh, in general, that's such a hard question.
First things that come to mind is the moment,
as soon as I felt sexy with myself.
When I felt comfortable on T,
when I got top surgery, I felt sexy,
therefore allowing me to be, I hope,
even more sexy with you. - I mean yeah.
Yeah, but even more on a serious note.
I mean, I think you at this point now
are looking in the mirror now
and are seeing the person that you imagined your whole life
and we talked about that when you first started T
and you first got top surgery
and I think that really hit me hard
'cause I was like, wow, yeah, looking in the mirror
and seeing that person and now it's happening
and now your body is made and built
the way you wanted it to be because you did that.
I think is really, really sexy, yeah,
and really powerful.
Also watching you act is really sexy.
(laughs) I was so surprised.
I mean, the first time I watched I was with my mom,
but even with my mom, I was telling her, I was like,
look at my man, he looks so sexy.
- Thank you. - Yeah, you're blushing.
- I am? - Yeah.
- Sorry.
- No, it's okay
That's just funny. - Yeah.
What am I always carrying that I should let go of?
- Let go of?
Comparison, you need to let go of comparison,
you need to learn that everyone runs
on different frequencies, there's no deadlines to life,
although it may feel like it, and although people tell you
there are, there doesn't have to be.
And I think learning that
and learning your body's different than everyone else,
the way your mind thinks is different than everyone else.
Just comparison.
And you're working towards it, you're working on it,
and I see you making progression
and I know that you're gonna get there.
Not to a place where anything's ever 100%
'cause rarely things are, but you striving to that point
of 100%, is enough to make progress.
- Mm, yeah, I mean,
yeah, I think that's something,
even from before, I mean, over the whole time
that we've been together,
I think I've been struggling with it, conquering it,
trying to navigate it, because I think it's,
especially because of the online aspect between us,
like social media, so many people are telling us, first,
that we have it figured out,
second, that we've seemed so secure about what we're doing,
and I think that second one is really scary to me
because I'm like, wow,
is it harmful that people think
that I have it all figured out
and that I feel really secure about myself
when I, sometimes, some days feel
so fucking insecure about myself?
And it's scary because I'm like, yeah.
So, I think that's something that you're teaching me
to uplift myself and hold myself
and act more tender to myself, because,
yeah, you're right, I compare myself constantly.
- But you've made so much progress
and I'm so proud of you. - Thanks,
I'm proud of you too, always.
(clears throat)
- MaryV.
- Chella.
- Do you ever wish the world didn't know who we are
and we had no visibility whatsoever
and it was just you and me and no one was watching?
- Interesting.
Your question was, do you wish we had it or
do you wish we didn't have it?
- Yeah, do you ever wish that
that visibility just didn't happen
and we were...
- I mean
- for our relationship specifically.
- Yeah. - In a way that perhaps,
our art
and other passions could've taken off
but people wouldn't even know we're dating,
we would be out of the spotlight.
- I mean, yes and no.
- Yeah.
- No because I feel like over,
even just the past year, we both have
grown this type of anxiety inside of us when going out.
And I feel like that's something
that we haven't talked about.
I mean, between us, yes we've talked about it,
but to our audience or whatever.
- I think it's because it's such a privilege
and we feel so grateful,
we don't ever want people to think
we're ungrateful for that.
- Yeah, yeah, but I think,
putting it in the words of
public viewing all the time. - Privacy.
- I mean, but I don't know, even saying that
is hard to figure out.
- I think what we struggle most with,
and correct me if I'm wrong,
is there's no on and off switch,
it's just always there.
And it shapes the way we navigate the world sometimes,
a little bit, especially because when people approach us,
nine out of 10 times it can be an inaccessible experience for me
due to the communication barriers,
or even unsafe occasionally.
- But then on the other side, yes,
because I think if I
maybe just would of seen more types of relationships
in my face growing up, I could of come to terms
with my queerness much faster,
and I think that disconnect was so weird for me.
But now, I'm like, when people,
I mean, in both of our DMs,
are like, oh, now I have a better understanding
of my sexuality.
I'm like, wow, I can't believe I,
or us, we did that for this person.
- That's the best thing.
It makes it all worth it.
- Oh gosh.
- Your facial expressions say more than the card does.
- Oh. (laughs)
I feel like I have to read it first in my head
so then I can read it correctly.
- Take your time.
- If for some reason I lost my memory,
what would be the first thing you'd tell me about us?
That's sad, but also funny. - That's so sad.
- I don't know.
Sorry I'm laughing. (laughs)
- No, it's okay.
Why, are you thinking of something you would say?
- (laughs) I don't know, I'm just thinking.
- If you lost your memory, this is like the Notebook stuff.
- I know, oh my god, okay.
Oh, I just hit the mic, I'm so sorry.
That's just made me really sad.
- Oh god. (sighs)
Number one, I'd be like,
honey, you're not straight.
(MaryV laughs)
'Cause that's something that you,
even after we first met, and I presented as
a cisgender girl, you thought you were straight,
so, I'd just tell you that.
- Yeah, big news.
- I think I have to sit you down
and tell you everything.
There's so much that you would need to know
and I'd have to show you the photos
and the videos, and,
I'd give you a choice like I always do
and I would be like,
because I know you're not the same person,
this is what happened in the past,
this is your out, how we've given each other outs,
if you want to stay with me, I would love that.
And regardless of what you choose,
I'll love you forever.
But if you don't, or if you need time,
you can have that.
I turn the question.
- Okay.
Well I would just be like, "hi".
And then I'd introduce myself
the same way I did when we first met.
- You say, I like your hair?
- Yeah, maybe I'd see if that triggers anything.
And I'd probably show you
the photos and videos too.
- Actually, that'd be so interesting if it happened to me,
because if I was 17 and I looked down,
I wouldn't be in the same body.
- Yeah, I was just thinking that, I was like, wait,
if I showed you photos and videos you would be like,
that's some dude, that's not me.
- No, but I've always known this is how I wanted to look.
I'd look down and I'd just be like,
was my life before a dream or is this a dream?
- Yeah, whoa.
- We love those kinds of questions.
- (laughs) Yeah.
- Oh, this is getting sad, I'm gonna apologize in advance.
If this were to be our last conversation,
what's one thing you'd never want me to forget?
- I mean, I say this full heartedly
that you are and were and forever and always
are my greatest love.
Seriously.
- You too,
you are,
forever.
- Thanks
- And I think,
yeah, actually, I'll leave it at that.
- But I wanna know.
- I guess it really solidified,
I mean, it's been solidifying,
but when I emailed your grandpa and,
I feel like I've told you before,
you two are so similar.
- My grandpa and I?
- Yeah, you two see eye to eye on a lot of things
and you observe very well,
and I think telling him, and I wrote him a letter,
but then I also sent him an email.
I think telling him,
I felt very vulnerable in that moment telling him
how much I appreciate you and how much I wanna care for you
and how much I love you so deeply.
- May I ask why you sent it to my grandpa
out of everyone?
- Well, like I said, from the beginning--
- 'Cause we're similar?
- That you two are very similar.
I see a lot of you two in each other.
- It's your last question.
- How do you love me?
(sighs)
- I try to love you with everything that I have,
which means different things at different times.
At some times I don't have as much as I do other times.
I try to reserve my energy
and prioritize my energy to love you as much as you need
to be loved that day or that time.
I try to love you hard every single day.
When I wake up I know you like to be held
so I try to hold you a little bit before I get out of bed,
even though my mind is running a mile a minute,
I try to love you through every opportunity I have and,
(sighs) I try to make it fresh and new,
not the same old thing,
I wanna love you differently every single day,
but at the same time I want it to feel so old.
And I hope that during those moments
when I'm physically with you,
showing you how much I love you,
it means that those moments I'm not,
that you still feel that I love you wherever you are,
however far you are.
So as much as I can,
as much as I can.
- I love you. - I love you.
- Hi guys, thank you so much for watching,
this is Mimi at The Skin Deep.
If you wanna be a part of our community,
if you wanna join our movement, you can subscribe
to our newsletter at theskindeep.com/subscribe.
Thank you so much.