WOMAN WHIMPERS
# Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah! #
Sian?! Oh, this is agony! It burns so much!
What burns?
What do you think? Oh.
Liam! How do I get your shower to work? It's broken.
They keep saying they're going to fix it,
but we live in a hard water area.
I don't care! I just need water!
Ah! Oh!
Oooh!
What have you done to me? Nothing.
Just the normal circular finger motion.
You know I'm not a risk taker.
It feels like it's on fire!
Oh, shit!
Do you think it's an STD?
Don't go straight to STD.
OK, well, maybe it's a friction thing, like are your fingers dry,
and, erm, like, your eczema's back?
My eczema is gone.
All right, all right, maybe...maybe we just need to be lubing our hands?
Is that a thing?
That's not a thing and it's...it's not that.
Then how do you know?
Because...OK...because...
What have you done?
Nothing. I went to uni and I came back, and I was cooking,
and then you arrived and then we got... Er, what did you cook?
Just a stir-fry... a charming student stir-fry.
A stir-fry with chilli?
Yes, I jooshed it up, sorry.
Please tell me you washed your hands after chopping the chillies?
I'm pretty sure I washed my hands.
What do you mean, you're "pretty sure?" Well, it's not something
that sticks in the memory, is it, washing your hands?
I don't find myself reminiscing
about all those excellent hand scrubs I've enjoyed.
There's ice in that cup. What?
Well, you could use it.
I don't know. It's in Coke.
That doesn't matter.
Oh, OK, great, I thought the ice was for me?
I'm washing them.
You do not throw ice at my vagina - you place it nicely. Fine.
Oooh! Oooh! That's really cold!
Yeah, of course, it's cold, it's ice.
I'm sorry we didn't have any warm ones.
Well, look, it's just not working, OK?
So can you think of something else, please?
My hairdryer has a cool setting?
OK, yeah, well, get it, then. Fine.
HAIRDRYER WHIRS
I'm really sorry. Is that working?
Obviously not. Switch it off.
I fucked up, didn't I?
Yes. You've burnt my clitoris.
Milk! What do you mean, milk? Milk.
People drink milk after they've had something spicy like a curry.
It could work - you stay in that bucket.
Right, here we go.
Ugh! Oh, my God, Liam, it's lumpy! When is that from?
It's in date. Oooh, OK, it's a bit out of date, but...
Liam! ..it's still milk.
What the fuck?!
I'm really, really sorry.
You have no idea how painful this is.
I know, I know...
..but...but I could.
What are you doing?
A noble act of solidarity.
No, no, no, no, don't do that, don't do that!
Agh! It is much worse than I thought it would be. Oh, God, Liam.
If I'm honest, I thought...I thought you'd taken the brunt of it, but...
..it really fucking hurts!
I honestly cannot decide
whether you're the sweetest or the stupidest person I have ever met.
Well, I wouldn't rule out both.