-"The Tonight Show"! "The Tonight Show"!
This is no joke. Guys, I did it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi.
Okay, guys, are you ready?
I only have a few minutes and it's very important
what I have to say, to me.
Um...
I want to feel you though.
You know what I mean? I want to feel you.
[ Cheers ] Yes, okay.
Okay, but -- yes, thank you.
So I want to talk to you guys about french fries
for a few minutes.
And I humbly request that you sort of settle into the topic,
because it will be filling the rest of my time here.
[ Light laughter ]
So, I love fries. Okay?
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you.
I love fries.
What I don't love
is the way people behave around them.
I've noticed the tendency for people go like this --
They go, "Can I steal a few fries?"
[ Light laughter ]
"Can I steal a couple fries?"
It's wrong.
It's like, no!
Excuse me, I had the courage when the waiter was here.
[ Laughter ]
When reputations were on the line,
I spoke up for my desires.
I said, "Yes, make my burger deluxe."
You did not have such courage.
Here's what it is, I ordered a dream come true,
and you ordered a Greek salad.
[ Laughter ]
You made your bed our lettuce and you need to live in it
and lie in it, hungry.
You need to suffer for your choices.
[ Inhales, exhales deeply ]
The issue is this, okay?
People have all sorts of sinister tactics
that they use when they're coming for your fries.
Okay, this is a classic.
Sometimes during the ordering process,
a friend will go like this. They'll go,
"I think I'm going to get the Greek salad
as long as I can steal a few of your fries."
Boom -- they close the menu.
They try to sneak it in really fast.
Little caveat.
They think you won't have the courage
to do what you must do, which is to say,
"Looks like we're not ready to order."
[ Laughter ]
And reopen the menu.
Looks like you need to take a minute
to think about what you really desire and, frankly,
what kind of person you really want to be in this life.
[ Light laughter ]
And I have to go back in, because I have to order
some compensatory items, because it's clear
that you'll be coming for my harvest later.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Thank you.
My real problem -- my real problem is these people,
they always use the word steal. Okay?
They go, "can I steal a fry?"
It's always steal, and what they're doing,
it is sick and manipulative.
[ Light laughter ]
What they're doing is they're overexaggerating
the scope of the crime,
so that you look like the monster if you refuse.
How can you respond?
"Can I steal a few fries?"
"No, theft is wrong."
[ Laughter ]
It's a real -- it's a real problem.
I'll tell you that any time anyone steals a curly fry,
somehow it always ends up being the longest one in the bunch.
[ Light laughter ]
And they act innocent. I know the excuses.
I've used them myself in darker days.
"In that tangle of curls? I had no idea.
I just grabbed an end and pulled."
Exactly.
If you can't see both ends of a curly fry,
it doesn't belong to you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you.
Some people are surprised. No, they are.
They're surprised, given my militancy around fries,
to find out that I love to see a rogue onion ring
end up on my plate. I do.
I do, because it suggests to me the right kind of spirit
happening back in the kitchen. Okay?
[ Light laughter ]
When they're getting my fries, you know,
the chef's kind of -- this is what I imagine, at least.
This kind of thing -- Hey.
Hey. you know, kind of a lose, generous basket-work
that I appreciate.
[ Laughter ]
Do you guys want to know my absolute
favorite way to get fries?
[ Laughs ] It's alone.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I like to -- I like to go to the diner
and I like to sit in the booth with the busted seat spring,
so I'm unnaturally low, peering impossibly at the plate.
And I get a big plate of fries and just a soda.
What I'm trying to say --
I like to eat fries like I'm a little kid
that's being held at the police station.
[ Light laughter ]
Because my parents were found slaughtered
by a serial killer earlier that day.
[ Laughter ]
I'd been there for hours, you know?
And finally someone was like,
"Someone's gotta get the kid something to eat."
And they were like, "Delillo, fries and a sodie pop,
handle it!" You know?
[ Light laughter ]
So I like to eat them with a kind of traumatized innocence.
You know --
[ Laughter ]
Just kind of dazed.
I like to eat my fries inscrutably.
So if the detective were to peer in at me,
he might remark to his partner something like,
"You think he even knows his life's about to change?"
[ Laughter ]
I'm a little boy in the fantasy and I don't know why.
It's --
[ Laughter ]
And you know, he comes in to take my statement. Right?
You know, he wants to -- he has questions.
And I'll tell you, folks,
that's actually when I lose my innocence.
Not earlier that day when I found mother
in three separate hat boxes.
[ Laughter ]
But right then, when he tries to bond with me.
"Hey, buddy. Can I steal a fry?"
[ Laughter ]
That's when I know he's dirty.
That's when I know this thing goes all the way to the top.
[ Light laughter ]
I don't know. That's --
That's how I like my fries --
With a sense of injustice.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, you'd be a fool to say I wasn't wonderful.
Thank you so much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You'd be fool, an absolute fool.
Jacqueline Novak!
You can follow Jacqueline on twitter @Jacquelinenovak.