okay David if your mascot yes I do have
a mess what have you got
I've brought my mascot is a torch why
have you brought a torch and it's good
luck good luck in a power-cut and it's
good luck if you want to murder someone
wank a torturer maybe for other people
maybe this is the normal way to
masturbate what's your 5 sugar sugar I'm
not I'm not flirting turn a voice I
would have said it more sexy well give
me an idea what that would have been
like okay I'll try this is gonna be
embarrassing oh thanks
okay enter time I'm still slightly
embarrassed but it will be easier I'm
sorry Jimmy
I think though because Big Ben says bomb
right when they bring it back should
they get it to say Ben why don't you get
a seat on this program
I mean the biscuit biscuit though gonna
be saying I'm eating a biscuit neck CCTV
footage if we haven't got any snacks
here and you're gonna be we're gonna let
a posh audience turn left I'm not sure
you get me would you be my urban
translator so I've got some words here
these are some of the phrases from
series 1 and series 2 that Nassif says
so I want you to say them bloody hell I
don't know what that means then man dare
can't rap cos I'm guessing that might
mean that man there can't rap because am
i right I don't know they've got no
Guinness and no back juice sex game dead
[Laughter]
[Applause]
you've got that mixed up something that
something that David Mitchell said about
me they've got no guinea so I understand
what that have into pubs with him so
what you say they've got no Guinness
what's back-to-back juice right here
what I'm saying you're a real OG so what
do you think that means here what I'm
saying
it means here what I'm saying this
you're a real realized oh I'm saying
you're G you want a real OG see my body
language as well no I'm saying your rule
G no real og is it I don't understand
why anyone say I regional gang Oh G
stands for original gangster yeah all
right fine what does that mean like a
criminal who has lots of good ideas
now it wouldn't be a series of bake-off
about a few food disasters but whose
food disaster back in February resulted
in calls for police people contacting
the MPS and a public apology in the
press yes okay I know I don't know okay
so Richard no KFC chicken shortage David
Michelle what do you go
KFC ran out chicken were you aware of
this Michelle no I mean it sounds like
an American problem this is quite a
funny story actually cuz they had one
company that had delivered all their
chicken for years and years and years
and they and another company that said
no we can do it for less than that and
they and the other the first chicken
company sort of laid off loads of staff
and was very sad and everything and then
this other very company got nowhere
close it was almost like they thought
well how much chicken do you need is
would it be like one chicken per branch
okay when there's a chicken super
tilters when you need another you need
another four thousand now unimaginable
quantity of chicken we have to deliver
to hundreds of places and now how the
hell are we gonna do that
we used to doing parcels chickens when
we gave them
broke down immediately turned out with
five chickens that you love that's all
Jessica's of God
David have you got a mascot I do yes
almost got my mascot is a fondue set
brings you good luck
no it's contractual I've taken frankly a
frightening amount of money from the
Swiss government to be the the face of
fondue you know fund is in in terminal
decline would you be eating fondue
throughout I might give it a go I mean
it's very I shouldn't probably shouldn't
say this it's very very very cheesy
oppressively cheesy cheese in there
anyway would suggest you maybe shouldn't
say oh my god it to cheese I've got to
speak out at some point
alright so GZ would anyone else like
some help me out there to use different
forks otherwise those germs
there's no germ on the planet that can
survive that boiling
I thought it would be sort of showbiz
fondue but it's really hot real fondos
steam coming off that I love a gherkin I
don't yourself it's a Cornish y'all
actually know where they were from
she do his cholesterol test before
languaging the game of thrones yes a lot
yeah it's quite a lot of rumpy-pumpy as
well do you do much of it cows are you
unfortunately no you get to watch say to
each other
coming this come watch I don't think
it's not the way a big film set works
that when there's a sex scene happening
at the actors from all the other scene
should we go and should we go and watch
really would be really a lot of
electricians come out of the woodwork
that's a lot of boom operators a lot of
carpenters have the electricity yeah
yeah it's densely populated yeah all of
them eagerly drill in one hand yeah
in the other thing I can do to help
we used to at my girls boarding school
spend quite a lot of time looking at a
brochure called Alaska men you ever
heard of that it's like yes lonely
Alaskan keep doing some of them weren't
so some of them yeah they were very very
lonely like we were yeah no I don't know
what we're doing up there but they very
lonely in the Cooper women wanking they
were wagon
they were wanking into this what a
lovely Christmas image my Christmas
comes out on the front that can be your
Christmas single wanking into the snow
sleigh bells after each tug Irish actor
Liam Neeson said in an interview this
week that after finding out a friend of
his was raped by a black man years ago
Neeson walked the streets for a week
with a cosh hoping he'd be approached by
a black person so that in his own words
he could kill them he specifically asked
his friend as well though what color was
the attacker so many questions raised by
this why does the color of the person
matter why bring all this up in an
interview for your film and what is a
cosh should this be the end of his
career never has there been a time in
human history speaking out on a subject
has been more universally welcomed what
were your thoughts on what he said why
did he say that I think that was my
thought yes why did he say that yeah why
didn't he not say that
he doesn't on the spot so there wasn't I
don't think there was someone being
strangled if he stopped speaking a
scenario like speed you know where you
keep driving you stop with the lights
and then afterwards you go it's a speed
yes because he was just promoting a film
yes I mean yes if there was someone who
would die if he stopped speaking and
that was the only thing that came into
his head to say David have you got masks
got this evening oh yes what have you
got I've got these because I thought if
I brought these that it would allow
other people to make sexual jokes
comfortable making sexual jokes myself a
bit repressed awkward but I know people
enjoy sexual jokes tribute in a way by
bringing these and in it's an
opportunity for other people to go oh I
expect I don't know you were I thought
this would be a wonderful of it because
you loved making sexual jokes I do I do
say a say a sexual thing okay Susie what
have you been looking into recently
other than glory holes
[Laughter]
stop necessary
[Laughter]
now have you been looking to you
recently
I think this is all the effect
your Magnum oh accompany a magnet I
know you've had a Magnum
you know mr. snip chocolate big my girl
it doesn't work the same on girls I
think it doesn't have the same effect I
like it but it's medicine right that one
just gave you another 50 million
swimming soldiers the TV show and
someone has just handed me a brown
bottle with the label remove I'm
frightened
it's like cough medicine but something
strange is happening downstairs
[Applause]
something very weird about it is the
initial taste is disgusting but then
there's an aftertaste that's slightly
nicer than the initial taste it's like
having a blanket that's too small for
the bed I cannot buy a bigger blanket
because the supermarket is closed but
the blanket is made of Kashmir so what
is he talking about
I think he's got a squad and they're
fantastic they are like a Kashmir but I
would like a biggest fool
if that is possible but you can't obey
at the moment more episode of lol Oh is
this absolutely right Gabi and Mickey
you've nailed it he was talking about
the player crisis in Chelsea in 2007 at
the end of the January transfer window
yes well you saw I am a Chelsea fan and
here's the special one why did they call
him that what he calls himself that how
anyone can do that
I'm the dog's bollocks you know I'm the
best lover in the world it's not the
special one when he was reappointed
manager of Chelsea in June 2013 he was
asked if he was still the special one he
responded saying he was now the happy
one
adding I'm no longer the special one now
I am one of you some guy do you notice
that David during this football bit
isn't even bothering to look at us
anymore all over there those cripples
over there yes they don't know well not
like us
just use their inhalers over there
ladies gentlemen please give a big
welcome to Thor Black Widow spider-man
Black Panther and the Incredible Hulk
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
okay these guys have all had a massive
year of the box office half the top ten
grossing movies worldwide had Marvel
characters in them but how well do you
know them or all I want you to do is
write down their real name ah no you
can't have a child in he can't talk look
in make him jiggle
okay well let's have a look and see what
you've got
so what would you look for Theodore
Roosevelt Theodore Roosevelt is not the
right answer
what did you / Claudia fat or pretty
close Jake Olsen jegos and so forth or
this bevor trick question he's actually
called Thor Thor Odinson
I'd also accept dr. Donald Blake so cool
the real name is Thor or foe why would
you I would crazy also accept
dr. Donald Blake
will you accept dr. Donald Blake for all
of them yes the full quote was all I
need to make a comedy timing
[Applause]
yes the full Pope was all I need to make
a partition
you begin to make me look like I'm Maura
yes yes the full quote was all I need to
make a comedy as a park a policeman and
a pretty girl also yes the full quote
was all I need to make a comedy of the
park a policeman and a pretty girl also
all that's needed to end a promising
career as a politician miss I read it
all pretty girl politician would
the pretty girl Eason would catch
him and then that's Bo laughing the
wrong place though think about where you
would have laughed had that been a
surprise
no pressure thank you yes the full quote
was all I need to make a comedy is a
park a policeman and a pretty girl also
all that's needed to end a promising
career as a politician
I do yes this is actually it cost me a
lot of money on eBay and this is some of
the Duchess of Cambridge or Kate
Middleton as she then was some I've
heard toenail clippings there we go
you see there's a little toenail
clipping of very very royal person what
do you mean genuine but I mean it cost
me 25,000 pounds it's just not all can
be ordinary ones can it that's that's
definitely from her the great thing
about these is as DNA technology
advances what I have in here is her DNA
code which means that in the years to
come I will be able to make another one
and then she will have no rights in law
should just be my creature it's just the
clippings in the tap
at the end of the show so it's time to
spit some clothes in bars some clothes
in moss get my kit okay so what we're
gonna do we're gonna go gonna go around
this way listen look you know what I
mean come on every single meal at the
shop Oh Gilligan beside our big nasty
I mean you know I mean what's a you know
I mean this six guys can either grow and
achieve what you want me pick or picking
on stage you know me I have a note from
my wife
dear mr. nasty the stick alone I'm
writing to inform you that David will
not be taking part in the closing bars
on today that
thank you
you