BETWEEN DONALD TRUMP COZYING UP
TO VLADIMIR PUTIN AT YESTERDAY'S
SUMMIT AND THE PROTESTS THAT
FOLLOW HIM WHEREVER HE GOES,
AMERICA'S IMAGE IS TAKING A
BEATING ALL OVER THE WORLD.
AND YET AMERICA DOESN'T REALLY
SEEM TO GIVE A [ BLEEP ].
WHAT WE LACK IN DIPLOMACY, WE
MAKE UP FOR IN CONFIDENCE.
THE U.S. IS BASICALLY THE AGGRO,
COKED-UP GUY IN THE BACK WITH
AXE BODY SPRAY, SCREAMING ABOUT
BITCOIN.
AMERICA'S ALWAYS HAD AN
UNHEALTHY SENSE OF SELF-WORTH.
ONE THAT CROSSES PARTY LINES.
>> THIS RIGHT NOW IS THE
GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH.
>> WE LIVE IN THE GREATEST
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.
>> YOU PUT YOUR LIFE ON THE LINE
TO PROTECT THE GREATEST COUNTRY
ON EARTH.
>> THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE
WORLD, THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA.
>> THIS COUNTRY IS THE GREATEST
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.
>> THIS IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY
IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND.
>> OH, CALM DOWN, MARCO.
THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!
IT'S NOT EVEN THE GREATEST IN
THE HISTORY OF NOW.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO BORA BORA?
YOU JUST SIT THERE ON THE BEACH
UL DAY DRINKING COCKTAILS WHILE
RESORT WORKERS RUB YOUR FEET.
SURE IT'S NOT A GOOD COUNTRY FOR
THEM, BUT I HAD A WONDERFUL
TIME.
I'D BE THERE PERMANENTLY IF THEY
HAD BETTER COMEDY CLUBS.
OR A COMEDY CLUB.
BRAGGING ABOUT HOW IT'S THE
BESTLESS HAS BEEN AMERICA'S
THING.
NO ONE LIKES THAT.
BEING THE TOP GUY IS OBNOXIOUS.
IF YOU'RE CONSTANTLY TELLING
EVERYONE YOU'RE BETTER THAN
EVERYONE, THEN NO ONE WANTS TO
BE YOUR FRIEND.
YOU GET STUCK HANGING OUT WITH
THE HOME IS THERE SCHOOLED KID
WITH THE WEIRD HAIRCUT.
AMERICA IS SO CONCERNED WITH
BEING NUMBER ONE WE TEND TO
FORGET THAT YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY
NUMBER ONE.
>> THE UNITED STATES WAS 29th IN
THE MOST RECENT RANKINGS OF
COUNTRIES BY EDUCATION.
>> THE UNITED STATES IS THE
WORLD'S FATTEST DEVELOPED
NATION.
>> WE SPEND MORE MONEY ON HEALTH
CARE THAN ANY OTHER COUNTRY IN
THE WORLD.
MOST OF US AREN'T LIVING ANY
BETTER OR ANY LONGER BECAUSE OF
IT.
IN FACT, OUR HEALTH CARE SYSTEM
RANKS 37th IN TERMS OF OVERALL
EFFICIENCY.
>> SO YOU'RE THE NUMBER ONE
FATTEST, ALSO THE 29th DUMBEST,
AND THE 37th HEALTH CARIEST.
TRY PUTTING THAT ON A [ BLEEP ]
STATUE.
AND WHEN YOU'RE IN CHARGE,
PEOPLE EXPECT YOU TO CLEAN UP
THEIR MESSES.
THE U.S. IS ALWAYS INTERVENING
IN ONE COUNTRY OR ANOTHER.
YOU DON'T NEED THAT KIND OF
OBLIGATION.
IT'S LIKE, WELL -- SHOULD I
CLEAN UP SOME KID'S VOMIT AT MY
SON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY?
I MEAN, I'M THE ONE WHO PUT THE
DEPOSIT DOWN, I'M THE ONE WHO'S
DRUNK, I SHOULD BE THE ONE WHO
GETS TO THROW UP IN THE BOUNCY
HOUSE!
AND I DID!
AND THAT THIS IS THE POINT!
THE POINT IS IT WASN'T EVEN MY
SON'S PARTY AND THE HOUSE WASN'T
BOUNCY OR MY HOUSE.
YES, YES, FINE, FINE.
I WENT TO A STRANGER'S HOUSE AND
I VOMITED IN IT.
BUT I DID REMEMBER TO TAKE MY
SHOES OFF.
BECAUSE HOW ELSE I WOULD HAVE
LOST MYSHOOS?
WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
WHEN YOU'RE NUMBER ONE, THE ONLY
PLACE TO GO IS DOWN.
IT CAN'T LAST.
LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED TO EVERY
OTHER SUPER POWER IN HISTORY.
THE ROMAN EMPIRE FELL.
THE BRITISH EMPIRE IS GONE.
EVENTUALLY AMERICA WILL BE
NOTHING BUT A TOURIST ATTRACTION
LIKE THE PYRAMIDS OR WHATEVER
THE [ BLEEP ] GREECE IS.
I'M NOT SAYING DON'T BE PROUD TO
BE AMERICAN.
YOU SHOULD BE.
I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.
IT'S GIVEN ME A GOOD LIFE.
IT GAVE ME BASEBALL, LOBSTER
ROLLS, PINBALL.
IT'S AWESOME.
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S NUMBER
ONE OR NUMBER THREE OR WAY DOWN
IN THE DOUBLE DIGITS.
IF YOU LIVE HERE AND YOU LOVE
IT, THEN WHO GIVES A SHIT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MAYBE, MAYBE THE MOST PATRIOTIC
THING YOU CAN DO IS JUST LOWER
YOUR STANDARDS A BIT.
THE WAY TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT IS
TO ADMIT IT HAS FLAWS.
I MEAN, ALL YOU PATRIOTS WHO
SEEM TO LOVE THIS COUNTRY SO
MUCH YOU ALSO HATE IMMIGRANTS.
IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO COME
HERE, STOP TELLING THEM IT'S SO
[ BLEEP ]ING GOOD.
WHY DON'T YOU FILM ALL YOUR
MOVIES IN FLINT, MICHIGAN?
AND IN THAT SPIRIT, I'M PLEASED
TO INTRODUCE A NEW PATRIOTIC
SONG.
ONE I HOPE YOU'LL SEE FIT TO
PLAY AT EVERY SUPPORTING EVENT
FROM NOW ONWARDS.
IT'S A LITTLE DITTY ABOUT THIS
COUNTRY'S PLACE IN THE WORLD.
AND IT'S CALLED "AMERICA IS A
COUNTRY."
ENJOY.
♪ I'M LOOKING FOR A COUNTRY THAT
DOESN'T WEAR THE CROWN ♪
♪ BUT SOMETIMES IT IS UP AND
OTHER TIMES IT'S DOWN ♪
♪ NOW THERE'S A BUNCH OF EAGLES
BUT ALSO LOTS OF RATS ♪
♪ SOME PEOPLE WEAR ARMANI SUITS
AND SOME START INSTAGRAMS FOR
THE CATS ♪
♪ I LOVE MY AVERAGE COUNTRY IT'S
SHITTY BUT SOMETIMES NOT ♪
♪ HERE'S A PICTURE OF A HONDA
CIVIC SITTING IN A FAST FOOD
PARKING LOT ♪
♪ AMERICA WE'RE FAR FROM FIRST
BUT WE'RE ALSO FAR FROM WORST ♪
♪ YES AMERICA IS A COUNTRY ON
THE LIST OF COUNTRIES ♪
♪ WE HAVE A REASONABLE STANDARD
OF LIVING AND MOST OF OUR
CHILDREN CAN READ ♪
♪ SOME OF OUR LAKES ARE NOT
POISONED AND ALL OF OUR SLAVES
HAVE BEEN FREED ♪
♪ THESE COLORS THEY DON'T RUN
BECAUSE WE ALL WEIGH A TON ♪
♪ TAKING MISS RHYTHM YEAH
AMERICA IS FAIR TO MIDDLING ♪
♪ OH AMERICA WE'RE FAR FROM
FIRST BUT WE'RE ALSO FAR FROM
WORST ♪
♪ AMERICA IS A COUNTRY ON THE
LIST OF COUNTRIES ♪
♪ ON THE LIST OF COUNTRIES
♪ OH YEAH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
COUNTRY LIST WE ARE ♪
♪ ON THE LIST OF COUNTRIES
♪