Especially for you parents here on the
channel, we got to come up with some
alternatives to some of the negative
discipline. 7 positive ways to
discipline your child. I think we'll
start today with a discussion of basic
behavioral psychology. I say that it's
basic. But I'm a psychologist. And it's
hard to get for the regular everyday
person I think. So, let me take a stab at
this Vicki and you can kind of clear it
up for us. Okay, if I get it too
complicated. Here's the thing. there are
2 basic ways to change behavior.
There's reinforcement and there's
punishment. Okay.
Now, sometimes punishment gets kind of a
bad rap. We're talking about discipline
today. And just in terms of behavioral
psychology, here's the bottom line.
Reinforcement increases behavior. So, if
you want to see more of it,
you reinforce it. Exactly. Punishment
decreases a behavior. So, if you want to
see less of it,
use a punishment. Okay. Now, punishment I
think has a bad rap, Vicki because we
associated a lot of times with like
corporal punishment. Or spanking or
hitting. That's not what we're talking
about here. Right. Punishment simply from
a behavioral standpoint is something
that decreases a behavior. Right. Okay. Now,
let's talk positive and negative. Okay.
I'm the positivity guy. But that's not
we're all about here. But think of it as
plus and minus. Think of it as adding or
subtracting. So, in a positive
reinforcement, we're adding something in
a positive punishment. We're adding
something. But you remember you want to
increase or decrease the behavior. So, positive
reinforcement, you're adding something to
increase the behavior you want. Yes. Well,
actually not always you want. Sometimes
you do positive reinforcement you don't
even know it. But what we're talking
about and you get really clear about
what you want, you're adding something in
order to increase a behavior.
Yes. And your comment was so appropriate,
Vicki. Because sometimes we don't realize
that we're giving a positive
reinforcement to a behavior and not even
realizing it. A good example is attention.
Right. You've heard that your kids will
do things for attention? Yeah. Uh-huh.
And it doesn't matter if it's your
positive attention or negative attention.
Oh, bad breath is better than no breath
at all. Right. So, bring it on. So, keep that
in mind for a minute. Positive means
we're adding something. Negative means
we're subtracting something. So,
think of the math symbols. Positive,
negative, adding, subtracting, right? And
that will be important because what
we're all about in today's episode is
some alternative, some positive
alternatives. Now, I'm going back to my
definition of positive which is good,
right? Yes. Some positive alternatives to
spanking and yelling and some of the
things that get us trapped as parents.
Alright. So, with our basic
understanding of behavioral psychology.
Here's number 1 of 7. Okay, it's
positive reinforcement. So, we're going to
add something in order to increase a
behavior. What are we going to add? We're
going to add something they want. Right. This
is rewarding them. So, you're
monitoring and trying to catch them
being good, doing the right things.
Fulfilling the request, whatever it is.
And then you give them something as a
reward. You're adding something they like.
Okay, great example. Let's say that you
notice your child pulling out their
books and starting their homework
without being asked. Whew! That's what you
wanted, right? So, you want to reinforce
that. Yeah, we want to increase the
behavior. So, we're going to add something
or reinforce. And it could be, just what
you did. Out little woohoo!
Yeah. Some positive attention. Give them
an "Atta boy." Or pat him on the back or
"Thank you so much." These are social
reinforcers. But what if you have
a little token thing going on already
with your kids and they get to earn
little tokens that they can add up
toward some kind of a benefit later on?
Well,
give him a couple of extra tokens. You
know, whatever that means in your
particular family. But you're going to
reward that. That's number 1.
Great. So number 2, we're going to talk
about negative reinforcement. No, don't
get tripped up about, "Oh, it's negative. We
don't want to do." No, negative means
subtract. Take it away. In order to increase the
behavior because it's a reinforcement. So,
basically, what you're going to do is
take away something that they don't want
in the first place in order to make
their life easier or happier. The best
example is when kids do this to us. Okay,
so what do you mean? When they're begging.
Begging. "Oh, please, please, please, please,
please, please!" And then you give them
what they want. And they take away the
begging to reinforce you for what you
just gave them. Ah, so kids are actually
really good at using negative
reinforcement. Yeah.
But as a parent, what would be an
example? Hmm... Let's say that you are
standing there, you know, the old classic
version of mom standing there with her
arms folded watching you, hands on the hips. Yes.
Where she's... So, do they like that kind of
supervision? No.
So, as soon as they start doing what it
is you want them to do, you remove that.
You take that away. That's an example of
a negative reinforcer. Or if they have
some kind of a restriction that's there,
you release or remove the restriction.
Yeah. So, another example, let's say that
you were going to require them to do an
hour of chores every day after school.
But because they came home and they got
right on their homework, you say to them,
"You know what, today you only have to do
a half hour." Yeah, negative reinforcement.
You subtracted or took away something
they didn't want. The extra chores. To
increase the behavior of doing your
homework.
Exactly. Number 3 is going to sound
really negative. Because it's negative
punishment. That almost sounds sour to
even come out of your mouth. I know, right?
I'm going to get kicked right off the
channel. But remember, punishment is to
decrease the behavior. Yes and negative
means subtract or take away. So,
you're going to take away something that
they really would have preferred to keep.
To encourage a decrease in a particular
behavior. Example, let's say your teenager
comes home late. Okay. That probably
doesn't happen to you. But let's just say
that your teenager comes home late.
You're going to take away something they
would rather keep in order to decrease
the behavior of coming home late. So, you
maybe take away access to the vehicle.
Right. For the next day. Or you take away
the privilege of being able to go out
the next night. Yeah. We see this a lot
maybe with kids who have a certain
amount of screen time. And maybe you away
10 minutes of their screen time in
order to decrease a behavior they were
doing. A negative behavior. Negative
punishment. You take away something to
decrease the behavior. Okay now, we're
moving into number 4. Positive
punishment. Which means good punishment,
no. It means add something, that's the
positive. Punishment to decrease the
behavior. So, you're going to add
something that they don't want in order
to decrease whatever the behavior was.
Usually this is a penalty of some kind.
"Oh, you did that so now you get this. I'm
giving you this penalty or a fine." This
incidentally is where spanking comes in.
Which we don't advocate on this channel.
Because spanking is so risky. Because a
lot of parents do it in an anger. But the
concept of spanking is a positive
punishment. Right. The problem is that it
gets out of control because parents aren't...
So, what are some better
positive punishments we can talk about now?
Well, the fine for example. I mentioned, I
like to use fines because you're giving
them something that they really didn't
want to decrease a behavior. So, we did a
video recently about helping teens to
stop swearing. And I used this example,
this mom that I was working with. Told
her teenage sons who were just potty
mouth.
I mean, they were popping off in the car
and everything. She finally said, "Look
guys. I'm not going to nag you about your
swearing. I've decided that I will
tolerate it. I'll put up with it for only
$1 per word. That's all. You swear as much
as you can afford." Now, this is an example
of a positive punishment. Right. Because
she's giving them a fine, something they
don't want, to decrease the swearing. The
behavior. Positive punishment. Give them
something they don't want. Now we can
talk in other videos about how to
enforce that fine.
Those are hard. You know these are hard
ones. They're hard ones to follow through.
But you do have to... Well, it's about
control isn't it? Right. Because if you
don't feel that you control something,
you're more likely to get a little
emotionally tipped over. The thing is as
soon as parents get emotionally tipped
over. If you yell, for example. You've just
sent a signal to your child that you
are out of control. Yeah. And they're like, "Oh, okay. So, I've
got the control now ." And suddenly they're
thinking, without even knowing, they're
thinking they're doing some negative
reinforcement going on. Right. So, they're,
they're training us, too. Alright.
Number 5 is actually a hybrid of
some of what we've already talked about.
I call it response cost. Where we're
going to combine a reinforcer to
increase a behavior and a Punisher to
decrease the behavior. Here's an example
of what I mean, let's say that you want
the kids to sit quietly while you're at
the wedding reception. Okay. Or
church, or the meeting that, you know, a
place where you want the kids... Might be
in the waiting room of the doctor's
office. Something limited. You take a
ziplock bag. The kind you can see through.
You write your child's name with a
marker on the outside of the bag. Because
then they have a little bit of ownership.
Then you put ten things into the bag.
Things they want. Yeah. Because this is
the reinforcer. Something that they
want that you're going to give to them.
Positive reinforcer. Okay, that's in the
bag. Now, you set it up like this. "At the
end of our appointment today, when we
leave Dr.
Paul's office, you get to have all of
these that are left." Yeah. Okay, you get
everything that's left. Now, they're
looking at the bag in there like, "Huh?"
They're interested, right? Talk to me here.
Now, between now and when we leave Dr.
Paul's office. Any time you're up jumping
around or your bums not on the seat or
however you want to define it. Anytime
you're causing this disruption and make
sure that you're clear about that. Right.
Or it could be a specific thing like
hitting their sister, okay? "If I see you
hit your sister, that' okay. I'll
forgive you. It's going to cost you one of
these." And so, during the appointment, if
they're, you know, hitting their sister, if
they're up jumping around or whatever it
is you specified. You simply reach in
the bag. Take one of those out that goes
into your pocket. Reseal the bag. And
you're not even giving it a lot of
attention. No. Don't have to.
Yeah. Yeah. Because then after the
appointment, you follow through on your
promise. You give them the bag. They get
everything that's left. Mm-hmm.
That's called response cost. It's a cost
for the response that they chose to have.
And it teaches them to start monitoring
their own behavior better. So, number 6.
Be an example of calm voice, calm face,
calm words. Yes. Keep this an example of
what you want that to look like. Right.
You know, I've I've noticed as a mom,
there are times I would realize that I
was walking around like this. My eyebrows.
You know, and I'd like, "Oh", just trying to
relax your face and bring on
a pleasant attitude. Because I realized
that that it was affecting the way the
children were acting. What you do matters.
How you show up is powerful. And
sometimes kids aren't going to hear what
you're saying. Because what you're doing
or what you're presenting or projecting
is speaking so loud. So, number 7. Work
the consequence in a positive way. Now,
this means instead of saying,
"If you don't do X-Y-Z, you're going to be
in trouble. This is going to happen."
But rather say when you do this, "We will
do that." You know. So, when you have
picked up your room, we will go get our
ice cream. Instead of saying, "If you don't
pick up your room, you're not going to get
your ice cream."
There's a real different feel to that.
2 negative statements? Yeah. And now we
are using the word negative as bad. No.
Frame it positively. It feels so
different. "If you don't do that then you
can't do this." Okay, well how's that feel?
How does that feel to you? If you don't
finish watching this video, then you
can't come back tomorrow?" Okay, that's a
dumb example. But just notice how that
feels as opposed to "When you finish
cleaning your room, we'll go out for ice
cream." Yeah.
Or everyone who accomplishes this
task gets to participate in that
activity. You know, use that a school a
lot. Everyone who is at their desk gets
X-Y-Z or something. Everyone who's raising
their hands will be in a
positive way. Right. That's just 7.
There's more. Share some of your comments
down below. We'll have a conversation
about this. There's a lot of positive
possibilities here. I got into a little
bit of psychology there. Hopefully when
you tracked all of that. We've got some
other tools and resources for you
especially the Parenting Power-Up. You
get to have me and Vicky on your private
parenting team. Check it out right over
here.