Society is full of mixed messages
because people are full of mixed messages.
And to say that these mixed messages
make it impossible to know what to do and not do,
is pretty much the understatement of the century.
But, one of these areas in which mixed messages creates a huge issue
is in the relationship between men and women.
I'm gonna break down one of these mixed messages for you today,
and this time it's going to be a mixed message that women give to men.
Let's call it the "cry but don't cry" dynamic.
~ Disclaimer ( pause video to read)
Cry But Don't Cry
So many men in society feel angry
and oftentimes paralyzed, quite frankly,
by the message that they keep getting by women and also by society at large
to cry, but not to cry,
to be vulnerable, but don't be vulnerable,
to be emotional, but don't be emotional.
Throughout history, men have been expected to be tough,
rational, strong, unemotional, stoic, etc.
Weakness of any kind in a man was not tolerated.
Of course, men being pushed and punished into this way of being
didn't only lead to good things, like:
protection, leadership, providing,
strength, rationality, containment...
it also led to things like:
brutality,
control,
emotional unavailability,
cruelty,
coldness,
unresponsiveness
and lack of empathy.
When women came more into a mentality of taking back their power,
a whole lot changed.
Now, I can't call this genuine empowerment,
because when this whole thing started to shift around the 1960s
I mean, in a big way,
women came into a man's world
and gained their power by becoming masculine.
Not by actually stepping into their feminine empowerment.
When this occurred, the polarities flipped.
And as a result of this, many men became feminized.
women started to demand that their sons and the men in society
became nothing like the men who hurt them
or their mothers.
This means that women were suddenly faced with an enormous problem.
Wanting strength and protection and rationality and leadership
and positive ownership and masculinity,
but also wanting the safety and closeness that comes from attunement,
sensitive response, emotional availability,
and the raw vulnerable truth.
But to be honest with you, at this point
when it was obvious that women really needed these two things,
it seemed like they were in a lose-lose scenario.
Suddenly, women started to feel like they had to choose
between one or the other.
It began to feel like either a woman could choose a man who is unsafe,
because, though he would protect, provide for, lead and contain her,
he would leave her alone emotionally,
be unattuned, unresponsive, cruel and controlling.
Or, a woman could choose a man who is unsafe,
because, although he would be emotionally available,
sensitive, kind, responsive and attuned,
he would put her in the position to have to fend for herself,
protect herself and be "the strong one".
Long story short, as a result of all of this,
to men, it seems like women are sending a mixed message.
Because, one minute they're saying: "No, I want you to get emotional."
and then, the next minute they're getting upset at you for it.
One minute they're like: "I need you to be your vulnerable self"
the next, they're like: "God, Why can't you just step up and be a man".
In other words,
it seems like women want a man to be vulnerable, emotional
and also to cry,
but at the same time, they don't.
All right, so here's how it is, right?
Men are looking for one solid answer from women
and from society at large,
whether they should be vulnerable,
should be emotional and should cry,
or not.
The problem is
they're not gonna get that solid answer.
Why are they not going to get that solid answer?
Because the answer really depends on safety.
In general,
and this might be the most insulting thing I say in this episode,
Men in the modern world are pretty unattuned to safety.
Now, I'm not just talking about physical unsafety,
I'm talking about emotional unsafety.
And because of this,
what they lack is attunement to context.
They lack attunement to timing, situation and setting.
Women on the other hand,
are hyper attuned to context,
hyper attuned to timing, situation and setting.
Because women, for the most part,
are much more attuned to unsafety.
To understand about this in depth, watch my video titled:
What Every Man Needs To Know About Women
So I'm going to hit you with a truth now,
that's going to make all of this make sense:
A woman is going to tell you to be vulnerable, to be emotional
and potentially to even cry
if you doing so makes her feel more safe
given the setting, timing, situation and therefore context.
A woman will get upset with you
if you being emotional, vulnerable or potentially crying
makes her more unsafe
given the setting, timing, situation and therefore context.
Context matters!
Now, before you think this is just about women,
it's not actually, it's also about men.
Even men within society are gonna get hella upset with you
if you are emotional, vulnerable or cry
in a timing, setting or situation and therefore context
which makes them more unsafe,
you more unsafe, women around you more unsafe
or society itself more unsafe.
In other words,
men are not gonna tolerate this behavior either.
To make this make more sense, I'm gonna give you
an example that's on more of the extreme end of the scale:
If a saber-toothed tiger is headed towards a man and a woman
and the man starts crying and expressing how unsafe he feels in the world,
the woman is going to feel totally unsafe and get mad at him for doing so.
If a man and a woman are struggling
because they're not on the same page emotionally or mentally
and the man starts sharing emotionally about the pain of his childhood
and how it relates to their relationship,
the woman will feel trusted, more intimate, closer and more secure,
therefore, safer with him
and be happy that he became vulnerable.
Ready for another example of context?
A man can hold a newborn infant
and in doing so be very gentle and soft and kind
and emotionally available and even cry without being seen as weak
or losing his strength or masculinity.
It is so much about timing, situation and setting
and therefore, context.
What makes this process of discerning when becoming emotional
or becoming vulnerable or even crying
makes a woman feel safer versus more unsafe, so difficult
is that in the modern world
unsafety is a lot more complex.
In other words, danger is a lot more covert than overtly obvious.
For example,
in the modern world
a woman usually is experiencing a lot less containment
by the man she's in a relationship with.
Women today feel a lot more like they have to fend for themselves
and society, in fact, congratulates them for doing so
as if it's a really good thing that you can fend for yourself.
So, a lot of women have this pressure of feeling unsafe actually
just in the modern world in general,
because there's no longer anything providing an umbrella for them.
There's no containment.
As a result of this, actually,
a woman often times in the modern world
responds even more poorly to a man becoming vulnerable,
emotional or even crying,
because the minute he does that
it feels like she's even more alone to fend for herself
and not only that,
she may even have to take the pressure of his emotional well-being too,
not just her own, and the household, and the job, and, and, and... yeah.
To understand more about this in depth, you can watch my video titled:
Containment (What A Woman Needs From A Man In A Relationship)
To sum up this idea,
in the modern world there may be a lot of elements
that are not overtly obvious,
that are in fact, making a woman feel unsafe,
and you're not even perceiving it.
Challenging or not, though,
men really need to develop
this ability to understand the context, the timing, setting and situation
that will make it so that either him becoming vulnerable,
emotional or crying, makes her feel more unsafe,
or more safe.
And women...
now that you've become aware of this mixed message that you're sending
you need to become much more aware of where you are
relative to safety or unsafety,
relative to a man being emotional, vulnerable or crying.
Therefore you can clearly and directly communicate
to help him learn timing, setting, situation and context.
I do have to issue a warning though, relative to this video
because women vary
and there are definitely shades of dysfunction.
There's shades of dysfunction both
in women who are repulsed by a man being vulnerable
and potentially crying or being emotional,
just like there are actually shades of dysfunction
in a woman who loves it when a man is that way.
For example, some women are traumatized
to the degree that they have a solid cultural association
with a man ever being emotional or crying and a man being weak,
which thus makes them feel unsafe.
This solid association may make them interpret unsafety or weakness
where it does not actually exist.
Or, for example, to the opposite extreme,
a woman's wires could have been totally crossed.
In this scenario,
a woman who's been traumatized in her childhood
by having less power than her cruel father, for example,
could partially love it
when a man is being emotional or crying,
because it makes him smaller and weaker than she is
and therefore, she feels more powerful than he is,
and thus safer than she felt in her childhood.
Now, interestingly enough,
when a woman is not being given containment
regardless of what her childhood looks like,
she's still not going to be functioning okay.
So, what it would look like in these women, is a split
between the part of her that's frustrated she's not getting these, you know,
containment elements within a man and these strong masculine traits,
but at the same time
she's reveling in how small he is compared to her,
because it means she's never gonna get hurt again.
The bottom line here is,
if you were a man, in order to get out of this confusion
and in order to get the reflection that what you're doing is right
in the situation at hand,
you've gotta have attunement
as to whether or not your vulnerability in any moment
makes a woman more unsafe, or safer.
This is a real level of attunement to master.
But, I'm going to tell you something;
The mastery of this level of attunement context
is a very big element of divine masculine.
And therefore, to come into your divine masculine power
this level of attunement is something that you need to develop.
A man who is genuinely in his masculine energy
understands that vulnerability only becomes weakness
and is only unsafe, at certain times
and in certain situations and settings.
In other settings, vulnerability is strength
and creates safety.
A woman wants a man who is strong,
not a man who is weak.
But a man crying, a man being emotional,
a man being vulnerable,
does not in and of itself imply weakness.
What turns that vulnerability into weakness,
is when a man does that in the wrong context,
in the wrong situation, setting or timing.
Being vulnerable, being emotional or potentially even crying
has the capacity to make a woman feel safer in a situation
and thus make you as a man seem stronger.
Therefore, when it comes to being emotional, being vulnerable,
or even crying, context really is everything.
Have a good day.
If you like this video,
be sure to share it, like it, and also subscribe to my channel
so you can see more content like this.
But I want to personally thank you for taking the initiative
and having the bravery to step into the space of awareness
Not only for yourself, but for the benefit of those around you.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte