I’ve got to be one of the edgiest people on the internet.
I’m so positive about everything!
If I don’t like something then, shock, horror: I simply don’t play it.
I don’t get all hung up on ranting about it.
But this causes problems because it’s kind of cool to be cynical.
Conspiracies.
Say something good about a new game?
Clearly paid to say it.
And so on.
One of the solutions would be for me to constantly shout out that I’m not like this.
But that just makes me sound guiltier, doesn’t it.
Bit like going on a date with someone and repeatedly reassuring them that you’re not
going to murder them.
Don’t do that, by the way.
I guess it helps that I tend to wait for reviews before buying a game, meaning that I avoid
things like that game about sky that was out recently.
But because of this, my first-hand knowledge of games tends to be limited to mainstream
titles like the Skyrims and Deus Exes of the world, rather than some unknown Korean flash-based
arcade game that nobody’s heard of.
Mostly cos I probably haven’t heard of it either, and also because I don’t want to
spend my precious time trawling through rubbish in the hope of finding something good.
But as luck would have it, I recently played Mr President, which conveniently kills 2 birds
with one stone since firstly, it’s a small indie game… and secondly it’s a pile of
crap that I’m somewhat ashamed to have on my Steam list.
It’s not really a title I’d get for myself, but my friend kindly got it for my birthday
not long ago as a bit of a joke.
Cos why else would he get it?
This means this title got the honour of being played by me on my special day.
That’s premium Philip time that I spent on this load of rubbish.
But it was in 4K, so it could have been worse.
I’m pretty sure that if you’ve been watching this video that you’ll already have a good
grasp of what it’s about.
It’s as simple as it looks.
You play as a bodyguard and have to thwart assassination attempts on Mr Rump.
Hey!
That sounds funnily like that guy who’s running for president!
What are the chances?!
If you haven’t figured it out already then this is a quick cash-grab that’s piggybacking
on the current political climate.
There’s no way that this game could stand on its own two feet otherwise, so it’s effectively
a funny 10 second joke that somebody bothered to spend months making.
I try to avoid political stuff as much as I can, I spent that Brexit voting day SHITTING
ON THE TOILET and yet even that was more productive than the time I spent with this pile of crap.
It’s infuriating and I hate myself for giving it as much of my valuable time as I did.
44 minutes of it!
Admittedly there’s a certain degree of satisfaction to glitching out on a table leg and flying
across the level, saving Rump at the last moment in a ludicrous yet strangely heroic
manner.
But only because you know you’re one level closer to completing this title and never
having to do it again.
I don’t know why I’m giving this game the analysis I’m about to, since I don’t
think the developer bothered.
Each level is elaborately set up to be completed in one specific, pre-planned route.
Any attempts to find imaginative alternatives are quashed by strict time constraints and
infuriating obstacles that mess with your player’s movement.
That’s the real enemy.
Not the traps and assassins, but your character’s movement which is just looking for any opportunity
to glitch out and send your character hurling face-first into the ground.
I’m HOPING that this is intentional as it’s the game’s main selling feature.
I mean, either this game was a sloppy mess by an incompetent developer or a lazy quickie
from someone hoping to make a fast buck.
Whatever the reason, it doesn’t encourage me to give him my money.
Or time.
Which combined, we did.
So you don’t have to!
It’s got all the tell-tale signs of a cheap game made in Unity.
Yes, it’s 3D.
But movement feels weightless and airy.
Yes, it’s got next-gen DMM physics!
But this also feels as weightless and airy.
At least they got Trump’s wig right.
But I guess it does what it says.
It doesn’t claim to be a No Man’s Sky.
Just a quick little joke that you can prank your friends with if you have any opinions
on Donald Trump.
And let’s face it, who doesn’t.
I’m not sure what the game dev thinks of him.
I mean, you spend the game trying to save him… but at the same time more often than
not he dies, normally cos the bodyguard you control would rather copulate with a nearby
oildrum than take a bullet for his master.
But once again… who wouldn’t.
Just look at it.
Shiny.
The campaign takes you through numerous scenarios.
There’s a Chinese factory, interrogation camps, walls in Mexico and all of the clichés
that could come with it.
Admittedly they all have a certain theme to them.
But the difficulty is inconsistent.
Some levels are next to impossible where they only way to beat them is to seemingly glitch
out more than you’re supposed to… and then the next is just a case of holding down
the run key to win.
The real question is how many levels you’ll bother to go through before encountering a
particularly nasty one.
At some point before the end you’ve got to throw your hands up, accept that enough
is enough, and then go back to browsing dank internet memes again.
You know what?
I kind of wish that this title had failed.
For the developer’s sake as much as anything!
I mean, if your crowning life achievement is a cashgrab like Mr President then there
has to be a moment where you question what you’re doing.
Why bother making a good game when this can get more success?
I understand why it did.
But as a game developer, you don’t want to be remembered for making intentionally
bad games…
right?
I hope the developer puts the money he made from this to good use.
I hope that it funds a successful game making journey.
I really do.
The fact that a portion of the proceeds goes to charity shows that he at least feels slightly
guilty about releasing this hunk of trash.
But this… this wasn’t ever intended to be a proper, fun game.
It’s a statement that was in the right place at the right time.
And you probably understand that.
You’ve simply got to ask yourself if it’s a joke you’re willing to take seriously
enough to buy and then to play.
I’m not going to dramatically say that it ruined my life or killed my family.
It’s just a thing that has consumed 45 minutes of my life.
At least I remember it.
Maybe when I’m 70 I’ll nostalgically joke with my friend about it.
I dunno.
I’ve said enough about this game already.
It’s better than losing a loved one.
It’s not as fun as an episode of South Park.
I’d rate it about 1 on the Schmitt Pain Index scale.
And as a game I’ll generously give it 2/10.
But only cos it’s got physics.
You know what?
I take it back.
Being horrible about a game is harder than being positive.
Nothing’s forcing me to play this game.
The Clintons don’t have a gun to my head.
I kind of feel that the joke is on me for taking a joke game seriously.
It’s got reviewers snookered!
If you downvote it then clearly you don’t get the joke!
This game’s 5/7 totally worth it 360 noscope content LOL!!!
Seriously though, it’s just a bad game.
But it’s not a disappointment since it didn’t ever have much potential in the first place.
But it’s not worth investing time or money in to it, even for the sake of being ironic.
Back to good games for me.