Someone wrote in, "My wife loses her
temper
easily," and you may be the wife
who's watching this video but I'm going
to address this to men and you can
gather
what you wish from it. So guys let's get
into this,
my name is Paul Friedman I founded The
Marriage Foundation.
And I want to tell you right from the
start
that this is not
simple or easy for you
but I'll be able to give you guidance
that will help. You're going to really
need
to pay attention. Now remember
at The Marriage Foundation, our focus
is entirely on not fixing problems.
No, that's what the psychologists attempt
to do which is why we have over a 50%
divorce rate
because you cannot fix problems to fix a
marriage.
You need to fix the marriage
and then all the problems that are big
become
smaller until they're non-existent,
and that's where I'm going to take you
today. I'm going to
give you an understanding of what's
going on
so you understand it and understand why
there's nothing you can do. You're not
going to change your wife,
and then I'm going to give you a
different context so that,
well, I'm going to give you a couple
things to do
so that you're not directly impacted by
her temper.
But mostly, I'm going to give you some
things to do
that will help you completely change
your marriage
so that this big problem becomes a tiny
problem.
Well, it's never going to be tiny but
it'll be a whole lot smaller.
So let's begin with,
what anger is all about?
Okay, because if you can understand it,
it's going to give you insight about
how you can work with her
so that she is still feeling the love
and support that you promised her. Now
remember why did you get married and why
did she get married are for the same
big reasons. The top line reasons
is so that both of you are happier
and so that you experience unconditional
love,
each of you in your own way.
And that can still take place
in spite of the anger. So, what is anger?
We all know that
a universal innate ingredient
that is in our DNA because it is
literally in every single living
thing, living cell
is the drive to survive.
The necessity for self-preservation
literally rules life in this world.
You know that from your biology
classes, you know it from science.
Everyone knows it. The trouble is all we
really
learned from that, and you could say it
with me,
is fight or flight. Well, that
doesn't
really talk about what's going on here
with that self-preservation thing
that drive to survive and this is good
stuff. This is really going to help you
not just with your wife,
not just with your marriage and your
kids but in life altogether because with
this
understanding, it changes everything.
So what happens is in the single
cells,
multi cells, thousands of cells ,combining
into a plant millions of cells into an
animal and all that it's fairly
straightforward but when you get to a
human being
it becomes much more complex because
a human being has something that the
animals don't have.
We have the ability to reason through
things. Why is that? It's because we're
souls
and our mind is a possession
so we aren't our minds like an animal is
its biology and its mind
it's its body and its mind combined but
a human being is special.
We are free from that
when we choose, we have free will.
And so we can't control our minds, we can
watch them.
So what's happening with this drive,
why is she becoming angry is because
this drive to survive
is compelling
her mind to be self
protective. I hate using the word
defensive nowadays because
everyone uses it in such a negative way.
It's like a negative label saying,
"Oh, you're defensive therefore you're an
a-hole."
No, no, no. You're defensive
because all of your body is telling your
mind
to protect the body
and mind, and the mind
is figuring out that something is
dangerous.
And so it sets up filters, barriers, walls,
whatever you want to call it
but what stimulates that first
reaction that there is danger is
anger. Bam! There you have it.
It's a triggering device and then the
anger takes on a life of its
own. What does anger do? Why is anger
useful
in that situation is because it blocks
reason
which is why you can't be reasonable
with your wife when this happens.
It blocks all reason. Think about it
for yourself. You're out in the woods, all
of a sudden
you hear a bear coming at you.
If you don't have a gun, man, you're going
to hightail
out of there. You're not going to think.
You're going to get out of there and the
only thinking you're going to do is
going to be
instantaneous, "How do I get the heck out
of here?"
That's what the anger does. It doesn't go
into, "Well, I wonder if that bear has
cubs. I wonder if the bear is running
from something.
I wonder blah blah blah." No, no, no.
Expediency is an order right now driven
by that spark of anger, shuts everything
down
except reactions that the mind has
already evolved
to be the right reactions. You're not
going to have a chance to
think it through. You may imagine
but in a particular situation where
danger is
right there you can't. So what's going on
for your wife
is for whatever reason
something is forcing her into this
mode. The worst thing that you can do
is say something about it because
that's an attack. Confronting her about
it is an
attack, and what's going to happen
when you attack? Bam! More walls are going
to come up.
Obviously, so there's a bunch of don't
do's,
don't attack her by pointing it out to
her.
Don't let her know. Don't react
in a way that will trigger more
defenses.
You can figure it out on the spot. How?
You have to remain calm. How?
Now, we're getting to where I'm going to
give you some
techniques that will help you
remain calm when she's losing her temper
because
really that's sort of what you wanted to
know anyway.
When you wrote in, it wasn't so much a
complaint. We don't complain about our
wives.
We want to know, and what do I do about
it?
That's the assumptive sentence that
comes next
so here's what you do about it. First of
all,
overall, remember you got married to be
of service and love to her.
She's your queen. You're there for her in
sickness and
in health, and don't say yeah, but.
It's a reality. It's not
an imaginary ideal. It's a reality
and it exists in order for both of you
to have this beautiful nest of love.
So now it's your turn to step up to the
plate
and be there for her. So
now you understand more of what's going
on for her,
you can observe it. And when she attacks,
which is inevitable if she's losing her
temper,
you have a rule. I'm not going to respond.
I'm not going to say anything. I'm not
going to
even allow my mind to react.
And here's where it gets good, your mind
wants to
bite her hand off. You're not going to
allow your mind
to have those thoughts. It is your mind.
It's not her mind. It's your mind. You're
in charge of your mind
and you're going to discipline it. You're
going to take that on
and you're going to tell your mind, "We
ain't going there buddy.
I'm a powerful guy. She's just a little
woman
and I am not going to squish her.
I'm not going to enclose her. I'm not
going to section her off.
What I am going to do is I'm going to
listen to her.
I'm going to wait for an opening and at
that
opening, I'm going to tell her I love her
and that everything's going to be okay."
You're going to
take this as an opportunity
to present what she needs in a marriage
which is security.
You are her security. So if you get mad,
you're not her security
but if you become supportive and loving,
you don't want to solve her problems
either that's not what we're talking
about.
It's not your job. Your job
is to be supportive and loving.
Let your face express love.
Let your demeanor, your voice express
love. You become the man.
You be there for her. Let her know
that she can flip out any time she wants
and you're still there for her.
Your form of protection of her
is to give her the space to do it.
Now, it's unfortunate that she doesn't
know how her mind is working but now is
not the time to explain it to her.
Now later on, you can say,
"I watch this video. She's got to be
really calm you got to
pick the moment," and when you're talking
to her about this.
If she starts reacting negatively say, "Oh
my God, I just forgot something."
And she goes, "What?" "You are so beautiful,"
and change the subject.
Don't walk down this path of giving her
this kind of information
if she's going to be reactive.
Pick your moment and if you never get an
opportunity
then you never get an opportunity.
It's just the way it is.
You're there to love her. You're there to
nurture the love,
nurture the environment so that she's
feeling comfortable with you
all the time and that's what you do.
It's not what you expected, is it? Never
is,
but it works this is what works.
You can't change another human being. It
is literally impossible
but you have the power to change
yourself
completely. Look, you should be
subscribing to this channel.
You need to learn about marriage from a
positive point of view
and a realistic point of view of what
works and what doesn't work.
You want more, you get one of my books.
You really want to master your marriage
which means having more happiness than
you've ever had in your life and more
love than you've ever experienced in
your life, get the course for men
that'll do it.
I get going, don't I? So I hope this was
helpful,
leave a comment if you want. Don't leave
one of those
snide comments if you're feeling
defensive
from what I've said, I'll just remove it.
I don't need that stuff.
This information is for people who want
happiness in their marriage and they
recognize
that they can make their marriage happy.
They themselves, you yourself have the
power
to make your marriage amazing
and that's what I'd like to show you. All
right.
Blessings to you and your wife, and take
care,
and like the video.