Skinned, grilled, and torn apart by tiny hands. For being such good people,
saints sure got killed in a lot of terrible ways.
Christian tradition says that all of Jesus' apostles were martyred — except for John,
who died of old age. For the most part, these were pretty standard executions of the day:
crucifixion, beheading, and… more instances of crucifixion. But there's one Apostle who had a
particularly gruesome death that has led to some surprisingly Clive Barker-esque religious art.
Tradition says that the Apostles cast lots to determine who would go where in the world
to spread the message of Jesus. The Apostle Bartholomew is said to have been sent to India,
though in the most popular account, he ultimately ended up in Armenia.
That's where he was arrested and sentenced to death for converting the king. As part of his
execution, Bartholomew was flayed alive. As a result, in many artistic depictions,
including very notably in the Sistine Chapel, a sometimes skin-having,
sometimes skinless Apostle is shown holding his own empty dermis or even wearing it like a cape.
Saint Lucy is a very popular saint, especially in Scandinavia. Her feast
day on December 13 marks the beginning of the Christmas season, and it's celebrated
by young girls who dress up as the saint in white dresses and crowns of candles.
This adorable tradition somewhat belies the bloody end of the virgin saint.
According to the saint's legend, Lucy came from a rich family in Sicily who, naturally, wanted her
to marry into another rich family. However, young Lucy had dedicated herself to Christ
and decided to remain a virgin forever. When the man who was arranged to be her husband found out,
he reported her to the Roman officials, who sentenced her to a life of forced sex work.
When they came to drag her to the brothel, however, they found her held in place by
a supernatural force. Then they tried to burn her alive, but she was untouched by the flames.
Finally, she was killed by being stabbed through the throat. However,
a later but incredibly popular addition to the legend says that her eyes were gouged out
as part of her torture. As a result, Lucy is venerated as the patron of the blind,
and is often depicted in art as holding her own eyes on a plate.
Like Lucy, Agatha had sworn herself to perpetual virginity, and so she rejected
the advances of a Roman prefect who had been sent to Sicily by the emperor. Her rejection
of this powerful man and her obedience to an illegal faith led to her being horribly tortured,
with the most famous detail being that her breasts were cut off with giant pincers.
During her extended imprisonment and torture, Agatha is said to have been visited by an
apparition of Saint Peter, who healed her wounds. The frustrated Roman prefect then
condemned her to be burned at the stake, but a sudden supernatural earthquake extinguished the
flames. Agatha subsequently died while being tortured even further in prison,
subjected to punishments that included being rolled over hot coals and shards of rock.
The powerful and memorable image of Agatha's breasts being cut off has led to her veneration
as the patron of anything to do with breasts, including breast cancer patients and wet nurses.
The 4th century bishop Saint Blaise, is perhaps most associated with a miracle
he performed. While Blaise was imprisoned during the Roman persecutions of Christians,
he miraculously saved a young boy who was choking to death on a fishbone. As a result,
he is the patron of those suffering from throat disease.
That's not to say, however, that Blaise's death doesn't come into
play in his iconography. After hiding out from Roman officials in the wilderness,
Blaise was discovered, imprisoned, and tortured. The most shudder-inducing
torture of all was that his skin was raked off with red-hot wool combers' irons. As a result,
Blaise is also venerated as the patron of wool combers. After having all of his skin scraped off
with hot combs, it was probably a mercy when the officials finally just cut off his head.
"What's it going to be? An eternity in the deepest pit?"
"Oh, no, we're going to do something even worse."
To those who are familiar with the lives of saints, Saint Lawrence is
renowned for uttering what are possibly the snarkiest last words in the world of martyrs.
Lawrence was a young deacon and disciple of Pope Sixtus II,
who lived in the middle of the 3rd century. During the persecution of
Christians by Emperor Valerian, the pope and his followers were arrested and beheaded.
After the death of the pope, the Roman prefects demanded that Lawrence hand over
the treasures of the church to them. Instead, Lawrence gave away all the riches he could
gather to the poor and sick. When the Romans demanded he hand over the church's assets,
Lawrence presented them with the sick and needy, saying,
"Here are the treasures of the church."
Perhaps needless to say, he was arrested and tortured. After being whipped and burned
with scalding plates, Lawrence was most famously sentenced to be roasted alive on
a giant gridiron. Rather than succumb to the torments, Lawrence quipped to his torturers,
"Turn me over, I'm done on this side."
Just before his death, he turned to his captors and said,
"I'm finished now, you can eat me."
For his death, Lawrence is venerated as the patron of chefs, firefighters,
and tanners, and, thanks to his one-liners, comedians.
In certain internet circles, it's become something of a meme to note the surprising
sexiness of artistic depictions of the martyrdom of Saint Sebastian.
The death of Saint Sebastian was a favorite subject of Renaissance artists,
perhaps because it provided a religious excuse to
depict a mostly bare human form in the agony and ecstasy. Who can say?
Sebastian gained the ire of the Romans after it was discovered he was converting soldiers, and
he was ordered to be shot and killed. A medieval account of his life says he was as full of arrows
as a hedgehog is full of quills, but he did not actually die due to being shot full of holes.
Sebastian miraculously survived, and was healed by a Christian widow.
When the revived Sebastian presented himself to the incredulous emperor,
he was beaten to death with clubs and his body thrown in the sewer.
"Your sweet, sweet God loves you so, and I will make you worthy of his love."
Saint Cassian of Imola is a fairly obscure saint: he's only commemorated on the local
level. Cassian was a schoolteacher in northern Italy, and things took a turn for the worse
when the emperor ordered the whole town to make sacrifices to the pagan god. Cassian refused,
which got him in trouble with the local officials. They arrested him,
and sentenced him to death at the hands of his own students.
Anyone who has ever worked as a teacher would probably recognize the vengeful
malice in the eyes of Cassian's students as they bashed him with their writing tablets
and ripped him to shreds with their iron styluses, penknives, and tiny child hands.
"They're horrible…!"
"Tell me about it."
But, because the children were small and couldn't deal lethal blows with their child strength,
it's said that Cassian's agony was prolonged and he died slowly.
Cecilia was a young noblewoman of Rome who was betrothed to a wealthy young man named Valerian.
However, Cecilia was a Christian and prayed that God would help her preserve her virginity.
During her wedding, she sang in her heart to God as the music played,
which led to her role as patron of music. On her wedding night, she told Valerian that an angel
guarded her chastity. Valerian asked to see the angel, and she told him that he would see
him if he were baptized. After his baptism, Valerian indeed saw the angel and believed.
Soon Valerian's brother also converted, and the two dedicated
themselves to giving Christian burials to those martyred by the local prefect.
Valerian and his brother were arrested and martyred, and Cecilia was soon to follow.
They tried to suffocate her by locking her in a heated bathhouse, but she survived.
The emperor's executioner then tried to behead her, but after three blows, her head was still
hanging on by a thread. Horrifically, she was left to bleed out over several days. During
this time, she continued to preach to her followers as they gathered her holy blood.
Very little is agreed upon about Saint Agnes' life in the early
sources other than her death at a very young age, usually 12 or 13.
The common thread of legend is that Agnes was a beautiful girl whose hand was sought after
by just about every young man in town. As with many other early female saints,
Agnes had pledged her chastity to God and so rejected the advances of every suitor,
including, fatally, the governor's son.
When she refused to let her spirit be broken by being bound in chains, the governor condemned
her to life in a brothel. However, young Agnes was protected by an angel of God. Her
hair grew to cover her naked body, and young men casting longing looks at her were struck blind.
With this plan foiled, Agnes was sentenced to be burned at the stake,
but the flames parted around her. In the end, she died either by beheading or being stabbed in the
throat. Today she is remembered as the patron of young girls and sexual assault survivors.
The legend of Saint Barbara is pretty questionable. The story
starts with a familiar tune: Barbara was the beautiful daughter of a pagan nobleman,
but secretly pledged herself to Christ and virginity.
At first, her father ordered her imprisoned in a tower until she could be married,
but he then went out of town while said tower was being built. When he returned, he was enraged
to find out that Barbara had had three windows installed in the tower as a symbol of the Trinity.
Having discovered that his daughter had become a Christian, he attempted to take
her to the prefect to be executed. Although she managed a number of miraculous escapes before
he finally caught her, she was imprisoned, starved, and finally taken to the prefect.
While in custody, she was tortured before she was condemned to be beheaded -– by
her own father. He carried out this horrendous act but was soon punished:
on his journey home, he was struck by lightning that blasted him to bits,
thus ensuring Barbara's legacy as the patron of explosions and guns.
Saint Catherine of Alexandria was a martyr from the 4th century, and like many other virgin
martyrs, she was born of a noble family and got in trouble for pledging her virginity to Jesus.
The well-educated and well-read Catherine approached the emperor of her own volition
in order to debate him on the merits of Christianity versus the state religion.
The emperor summoned his finest scholars and philosophers to contend with her,
but she defeated them in debate and ultimately converted them to Christianity.
After having these newly converted scholars put to death, the emperor had Catherine arrested,
whipped, and imprisoned. Catherine subsequently converted her jailers,
for which she was condemned to die on a spiked wheel — which is known as a Catherine
wheel. However, this instrument of torture shattered into pieces when she touched it.
With his torture wheel plan foiled, the enraged emperor ordered Catherine to be beheaded, after
which angels carried her body to Mount Sinai. Catherine of Alexandria is venerated as the patron
of unmarried women, scholars, students, and anyone who works with a wheel, like potters and spinners.
Saint Mercurius was a soldier in the Roman imperial army in the mid-3rd century. When
Barbarian forces invaded the empire, a large army was dispatched to repel them.
"We will be victorious!"
During one of the battles in this campaign, an angel appeared to Mercurius telling him that
the Lord was going to lead him to a great victory. Following this supernatural visit,
Mercurius cut huge swathes through the enemy forces and even killed their king,
basically single-handedly winning victory for the Romans. Mercurius was showered with honors,
but the angel reappeared to remind Mercurius of the debt he owed the Lord.
The holy warrior dedicated his life to the cause of Christ,
which caused a problem when the emperor suggested the two should go together to
make sacrifices to Artemis. When it was discovered that Mercurius was a Christian,
the holy warrior threw down his armor and disowned all the honors he had received.
The emperor had Mercurius tied to four pillars over a fire and his
servants slashed at his body with knives. Mercurius bled so much that his blood put
out the fire. Though near dead after this, the angel healed Mercurius, so the emperor
did what many emperors so frustrated did before and after him: he had him beheaded.